These types of posts bring balance to our understanding of your sitch.
Originally Posted by kech
....When I went for a run Monday night I felt much better, and i came home and made the baby dinner, and made myself dinner, and then I bathed her and put her to bed and then did some things for me. Like working on some of my crafts, and doing my night time routine of face wash, ex-foliate, moisturise, just some pamper time. Then I folded and put away all the laundry, I just did some things around the house that made me feel good once it was all done.
Keep posting the positives to help balance out the negs.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Steve, you make a good point. I do think about that, if a friend of mine was going through this I would tell her "success is the best revenge". Be confident, make him miss you, dont be available for him. Things like that. I dont know why when its me in the situation I feel like its so different.
I havent had a good day recently, honestly. I feel so much like its so far gone and no matter what I do he has already forgotten about how great we once were. But I do know if I have any shot its through doing this. And i am dedicated to doing it. And I know I have to do it for MYSELF regardless. I do have good moments in my days. All time spent with D is amazing. But I am not doing great, so that is why I dont say that. I do need to find the positives. Feed the good wolf. I need to work on this in my life as a whole honestly. Looking towards the positives. Not using such negative words, etc.
When I went for a run Monday night I felt much better, and i came home and made the baby dinner, and made myself dinner, and then I bathed her and put her to bed and then did some things for me. Like working on some of my crafts, and doing my night time routine of face wash, exfoliate, moisturize, just some pamper time. Then I folded and put away all the laundry, I just did some things around the house that made me feel good once it was all done. Normal things I used to be able to get done much easier when H lived here, but now he doesnt and so I was leaving every night when he was here, I wasnt able to get anything around the house done. Now with this schedule in place I have Monday Wednesday and Saturday nights at home alone with baby and once i put her down I have some time to myself which is nice.
I know I shouldnt miss a man who is off with OW. He justifies all of it, its almost like he doesnt feel bad because he considers himself unmarried all of a sudden or something, Who knows. He did tell me a few months ago he felt really screwed up and he didnt know why and that maybe its a guilty conscious and he knows he caused all this and he wishes he never entertained another woman, blah blah blah. I dont really know how you say that and then go off and continue living this way, but WS dont make much sense as we all know.
I know I sound negative on here, but its because I feel negative and I dont have anywhere to really vent that. the IC will help. I will try to look more at the positives, it just will feel a little fake when inside im pining for this man thats flipped my life upside down. Once I get out for a run tonight I will feel much better.
I have to reach out to him at some point and make sure he can be here by 5:30 tomorrow because I have to be somewhere, and i kind of hate that I have to reach out. Im going to hold off in case he comes by tonight to do the yard and then I can just ask him then. I dont like to reach out and initiate conversation with him because I just dont want anything to come off as me pursuing him. But i have a planned event tomorrow that I cant be late for.
kech,
Even though it may not seem like it, you have good moments. You may have a good minute followed by bad minutes. Then you'll experience more good minutes before it gets bad again. As time times on, the good moments begin to outweigh the bad. Soon you will have a set of good days before you get hit with some bad days. This will happen as time goes on. There is no timetable. You will develop at your own pace as you go through this journey.
You GAL is key here. You're doing the right things running, taking care of baby, crafting, nourishing your OWN needs. Remember what I said earlier. You know what makes YOU happy. YOU know what nourishes you. You know yourself BEST. Keep doing things that heal you. Keep loving D.
You also need to understand that you don't control his thinking. He is going through his own journey. And he will make you aware of it. He will try to drag you into his BS. He will gaslight you. He will do these things to hurt you because he is hurt himself. You're the bigger person here.
And it is OK to be negative. It's ok to feel pessimistic. If you have a chance, read through my sitch. I have expressed so much anger and negativity last month to these folks and they did not report me or run away or chastised me. They showed me tough love and told me things I did not want to hear, but also supported me, regardless of the decisions I made. Also, and this is something I'm doing. If you feel like doing something or saying that feels right for the sitch, do it. If the response is negative, then chalk it up as a lesson learned. If it's positive, then celebrate the small win and move forward. Read the DR book. MWD talks about a cautious approach. Make small steps when you are ready.
Lastly, make sure you communicate to him your need for him to be present tomorrow. If he gets all pissy, so what. You have a life to live. He needs to know that. As far as wanting to talk to him, you control how much you want to communicate with him. If you don't want to talk to him, then so be it. When you are ready to talk, you say your piece then you go about your life. Do you have a backup plan in case he fails to show up?
Head up, shoulders back, chest out. Charge forward!
...I have to reach out to him at some point and make sure he can be here by 5:30 tomorrow because I have to be somewhere, and i kind of hate that I have to reach out. Im going to hold off in case he comes by tonight to do the yard and then I can just ask him then. I dont like to reach out and initiate conversation with him because I just dont want anything to come off as me pursuing him. But i have a planned event tomorrow that I cant be late for.
Parenting is not pursuing.
Has he already committed to 5:30? Is 5:30 a firm exchange time in your parenting schedule? If so, I would not be "confirming". If not, I would work hard to get firm times set on the exchange times. This is part of "Reducing confusion". You then only have to negotiate the exceptions.
I would also have a backup plan with your mother or other responsible adult until H shows a pattern of being dependable.
Just my 2cents
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Pain, thank you so much. I will read your sitch. Sometimes i feel like im doing it all wrong, but I am feeling more and more that I am getting a grip on it. Before I was nicing him to death. I dont know why. BUt I see now this man has flipped my life upside down. I dont need to be afraid to act towards him exactly how he deserves. I dont need to be cold, but I do not need to be nice. I will be polite but distant. Like blu said, he doesnt deserve my friendship. I need to pull away. Its truly what I need to learn to do. And its what I am doing I believe. And hopefully he feels that loss over time. I know consistency is key.
Youre right that I have good moments, followed by bad. I cant WAIT for the good to outweigh the bad. I need to start doing MORE for me EVERY SINGLE DAY.
R2C, youre right about parenting not being pursuing. Last Friday I asked him if he could be here by 6 on Thursday, and he said he could, but now it has changed so I am going to see if he could possibly be here by 5:30. I dont think it will be a problem for him, i just would have to make it clear I have to be somewhere or else he will be nonchalant about getting here on time. Since I expressed to him that I felt he was becoming unreliable to me, he has gotten better about being on time for things. When we first separated and tried living apart for a month back in April, he would say he would be here and NEVER be on time. And never acknowledge it. I also never made it a big deal and once I started to acknowledge it he got better.
If he comes by later for the lawn I will ask if he can be here by 5:30. If he doesnt come by I will send a text just saying "I have to leave at 5:30 tomorrow, can you be here by then?" or should i word it differently? Trying to get better at my business like approaches when it comes to parenting with him.
