Sorry to switch back a gear, I am late, but I wanted to add something. Regarding finding positives, negatives, or lack of negatives, in WH increasing his communication. Quite simply, you cannot. That is another type of mind reading or making assumptions. He may reach out more, text more, or even come by more. As you pull back, he might even increase this behavior and become more accommodating, become kind to you, perhaps charming at times, or even start wanting to spend family time together. It may feel positive and as if you are moving towards R. However, it may not mean that at all. This sort of false hope can lead to your additional hurt and could set you back. I don't want you to do that. Just take his actions simply for what they are at face value.
Let me give you an example of this happening in my sitch and how wrong I was in trying to find the positive. Several months after my H left for OW, he had a birthday. I decided that we could all go out to dinner with the kids. I thought it would be good for the kids and didn't see it as cake eating. I also wasn't good at DBing back then! So we decided to all go to a place that we would often go together as a family. We all got ready, he came over, we had fun at the restaurant, the kids had gifts and cake for him at home after. That evening, things felt surprisingly normal, and actually wonderful, which was a huge welcomed relief from my constant anxiety and depression.
He had softened towards me. At one point during dinner, we looked at each other for a long while, and I could feel his stare. We both smiled and we had a moment. I felt it. And the kids were all around us and seemed so happy. It had been so long that we felt like a normal family. .... Well, do you want to know what I found out later? He had lied about being at work that day. He had actually taken the day off and had been spending it with OW. He didn't feel what I felt, he was just there for a birthday evening ...
Looking back at it now, I know he was gone, totally gone. He just enjoyed a birthday and some family time. And a fat slice of CAKE that I served him. That's all it really was. For one day, he got to feel less like a liar and a cheater and more like a good family man and father. He did not feel any closer to me whatsoever. I saw what I had wanted to see. And I hurt myself by allowing that.
Please don't try to find meaning in what he does. You might be wrong. You might also hurt yourself further in the process. When he is truly starting to come back, you will know without question, because he will be changing: he will be remorseful, honest, vulnerable, and he will be thinking of you and your needs, not just his own.
There were also times my H was jealous, or reached out more, wanted family time, to talk, etc, and times you could easily see it as a positive. Those things did not translate to him wanting to R with me. He had to go down his own path and fall flat on his face before realizing what he had lost.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I must have stopped DBing a while ago maybe because my heart has started rejecting WH. A few weeks ago was his bday and I didn’t even ask for advice on the forum. He called himself so kids could wish him and I wished then. He had asked to take kids out for dinner so when he came to pick up I wished in person again. No cake no dinner as a family, my Ds don’t know any better and I didn’t want to set false traditions. Sigh , I think I have been learning indifference rather than loving detachment
I must have stopped DBing a while ago maybe because my heart has started rejecting WH. A few weeks ago was his bday and I didn’t even ask for advice on the forum. He called himself so kids could wish him and I wished then. He had asked to take kids out for dinner so when he came to pick up I wished in person again. No cake no dinner as a family, my Ds don’t know any better and I didn’t want to set false traditions. Sigh , I think I have been learning indifference rather than loving detachment
Sia, I don't think so at all! I let my H cake eat and did not DB in the beginning, and it only hurt me as I allowed him to cake eat and gave myself false hopes. He knew I was plan B. He also saw me vacillate between sad/needy and then very angry. ... I actually think indifference is a good thing! I personally don't like the "lovingly detach" concept. It's more human nature (and believable) to create distance and then try and remain civil, minus any kindness or friendship!
I have said this before, but you are so far ahead of where I was when my H moved out! ... would you be willing to link your old threads here for kech, or are they deleted?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
....I saw what I had wanted to see....When he is truly starting to come back, you will know without question, because he will be changing: he will be remorseful, honest, vulnerable, and he will be thinking of you and your needs, not just his own.... He had to go down his own path and fall flat on his face before realizing what he had lost.
This most likely will be long way off. You will be a strong independent woman. You will have a list of what it will take for him to win you back.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks so much everyone. Blu, I have a question. When you were DBing and living apart for all those months, did you ever start to think he loved OW more than he loved you? That is how I am starting to feel. He didn’t show up tonight to finish the yard. I had a feeling he wouldn’t, he always says things and doesn’t follow through. It isn’t his night with D so it’s not like he skipped that, but I just don’t get why he tells me things like “I’m going to come finish the yard tomorrow” or “I’m going to come get the blanket tomorrow”, but then never do it or acknowledge that he’s not following through.
It just hurts my feelings that he doesn’t care at all. He would rather spend his time with OW than follow through on things for his family. I know I’m not detached bc things like this bother me still. But I took the baby for a walk after work. I ran errands, I wanted to be gone Incase he did show up. I came home, made dinner for the baby, gave her a bath. Then made dinner for myself while trying to hold the baby to calm her down. It’s moments like that when I really hate him. And I still have to reach out to him about the times for tomorrow and I just so don’t want to. I just wish I didn’t have to talk to him right now. He doesn’t deserve my attention in any form. He’s scum to me right now. I can’t believe I still love this man. Sia, I am jealous that you have reached indifference. I am so not there yet.
Blu, my husbands birthday is 2 weeks away and I’ve been wondering how to handle it. I also have a family members wedding the Saturday night a day before his bday, and I’ve been contemplating if i ask him to come with me. But I fear the rejection. Then I think I should ask him to stay home with the baby, but I am afraid he’s going to say he has birthday plans with other people and that’s going to break my heart. I’m taking my time with that one.
I just am starting to really think this OW is becoming his main priority and it’s a hurtful thing to think of. Excited to see IC tomorrow and get that going.
R2c, you’re right about that. At one point a few months ago I saw a glimpse of that, but not anywhere near what it needed to be. And now he doesn’t seem to be headed that direction AT ALL. OW seems far too important
Last edited by Cadet; 09/28/1807:29 PM. Reason: combine posts
Ya I will do that. He did mow the lawn yesterday, but when I got home last night he said to me “I’m going to come back tomorrow to do the edging in the yard” and I just said ok. It isn’t something I care if he does, I just don’t understand why he CONSTANTLY volunteers to do things and never follows through. Just don’t say it and I won’t expect it! It’s frustrating because it just adds the the BS he spews and doesn’t even give a second thought.
I sent H a text around 9pm asking about tomorrow’s time if he could make the earlier time work. Haven’t heard back which is strange. Hoping he gets back to me at some point tomorrow so I don’t have to reach out again.
Ugh. Wondering where he is and what he’s doing. But my night has been okay so that’s what matters!
Remind me, was he only coming to edge the lawn or was it his day to see your D?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
