Like maybe just ask him if hes doing ok? I dont know. I just feel like we havent talked in so long about anything important. It feels like ive lost him
Then you are doing DB right. That is the way it is supposed to feel. One day he will wake up and realize he has lost you. The one can't happen without the other.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think it just really hurts my feelings he never responded to my text about times for tonight. I called him this morning to make sure the time worked and he said that it worked fine and he would probably be here even earlier than I needed him. And I was like "ok I just didnt hear back from you".
Its like he is treating me just he would anyone else on the street. Hes known for not responding to texts or calls, but never for me. This is absolutely a first that he didnt say anything back to me last night. It doesnt make any sense, especially when I was only texting about childcare. So it makes me just want to reach out right now and ask him if he is doing okay or just anything. I want that connection I guess. And its killing me. I truly feel like he has begun to forget about me completely besides being the mother of his child.
He is playing you. The WAS can use DB tactics too. It happens all the time. In fact, how do you get on this site? Do you have a home computer or laptop he can access when he his with the baby and you are out? He may have found this site. This is why we recommend hiding the DB/DR books and not letting the WAS find this website in your browser history. Likely he as snooped.
Has he accused of seeing anyone else lately? If he hasn't he probably read your posts here. This is all very fishy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ok, so you've called him this morning to verify if the time would work for him and he's responded back w/an answer.
Right now, he's going to treat you just like he would anyone else that comes in contact w/him. I know it hurts like heck, but that's the way they behave when they have walked out the door. They make every effort to shut down their feelings for us and what they had. It's difficult for them to do this, so that is one of the reasons that they do not stay in contact because they do not want to feel guilty or ashamed of what they are doing.
When he comes over, you can ask him if he's okay or how are things going. You can fill him in on hat's happening w/your child (children) and keep the conversation on neutral things. Don't be too chatty and give him the opportunity to open up and talk if he feels the need to do so. Listen to what he has to say and look him in the eye when you are speaking to him. Do not challenge or argue w/him. Just listen, don't offer up advice unless he asks for it. Do not tell him everything that you are doing. You want him to leave and wonder what you are doing these days. A little mystery goes a long way.
One thing that I always suggest is to look your best and put on the best act that you can when you are in their presence. If you look mopey, that ramps up their guilt and they do not want to come around because it makes them feel bad.
Hang in there. If you have time, re-read the Detachment thread and the thread that Sandy has out there (I think they are linked in the homework thread that Cadet provided to you a while back).
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, youre right. He has definitely shut down his feelings and it hurts me so bad. This is a first for us. We have been on this rollercoaster for a while but this is the most he has ever pulled away, while im also pulling away. Normally he would get scared and pursue me a bit, but I think bc of the OW he isnt and thats a knife to my heart.
Steve, he has no way of reading any of this so thats not a possibility. Hes a pretty emotional guy, when hes mad, you know hes mad. When hes sad, you know hes sad. And when hes indifferent, its obvious. And Im feeling like he is just indifferent towards me and it really hurts.
He actually just came to the house to pick up some work supplies and I was still home so I brought the baby out to see him. He came in and was standing in the doorway talking to me and I said "I was surprised not to hear back from you last night" and he looked me right in the eye and said "Ya I was sleeping already but I knew you wanted me here early." I just kind of stared blankly at him because I know he is lying to me.
He said he had to finish getting materials and get going and I just said ok. And then about 10 minutes later he came back inside and played with the baby for a second and asked me if I was going to my moms and I said yes. And then he asked if 5pm was ok for tonight (even though I said 5:30) and I just nodded my head yes. I know im being a little cold, but im just so heartbroken. He is just living such a different life and normally by now he would be kind of a mess without me and he doesnt seem to be a mess.
But I am glad I have you guys, because if not I would have sent him a text or asked him how he is doing and I know I would have regretted it. I know it would have been a step back when ive been going through absolute hell trying to push through this. I go to IC today. Thank goodness
I just feel so sick to my stomach. The last time we were living separately for a month, we had more communication. He would text me sometimes, etc. This last week has been torturous because the communication has stopped. And I know I am a broken record, but I do not know how you guys were all so strong in your sitch's, because I literally get sick to my stomach knowing he is with some OW., spending the night with her. Waking up with her. It is sickening. I dont know how to get past it. I want to text him right now and say "Is she worth it? Is she worth losing us?". I just cant believe he is doing this. And he thinks he has me fooled and he doesnt.
I think it just really hurts my feelings he never responded to my text about times for tonight. I called him this morning to make sure the time worked and he said that it worked fine and he would probably be here even earlier than I needed him. And I was like "ok I just didnt hear back from you".
Its like he is treating me just he would anyone else on the street. Hes known for not responding to texts or calls, but never for me. This is absolutely a first that he didnt say anything back to me last night. It doesnt make any sense, especially when I was only texting about childcare. So it makes me just want to reach out right now and ask him if he is doing okay or just anything. I want that connection I guess. And its killing me. I truly feel like he has begun to forget about me completely besides being the mother of his child.
He is playing you. The WAS can use DB tactics too. It happens all the time. In fact, how do you get on this site? Do you have a home computer or laptop he can access when he his with the baby and you are out? He may have found this site. This is why we recommend hiding the DB/DR books and not letting the WAS find this website in your browser history. Likely he as snooped.
Has he accused of seeing anyone else lately? If he hasn't he probably read your posts here. This is all very fishy.
Kech & Steve my WAS definitely uses DB tactics. She knows nothing of DB, but just mirrors my action. Often in a perverse light. I often GAL with my kids but she usually doesn't join us even though there is always an open invitation. She is now trying GAL with kids, but makes certain that I know I am not invited. So like I said she often tries to mirror even though that mirror is a bit warped.
Another note if you are worried about security just post from your phone and change your password to lock your phone. I do not post from anything but my phone which is othen why I have so many typos in my posts. You may need to start a new account.
Last edited by Twofeet; 09/27/1801:32 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
You do something different, he reacts differently. Part of the process?
Originally Posted by kech
When hes sad, you know hes sad. And when hes indifferent, its obvious. And Im feeling like he is just indifferent towards me and it really hurts.
Mind-reading. No way to know for sure (but of course if anyone knows it would be you, as his W, so I'm not saying you're necessarily wrong).
Originally Posted by kech
I said "I was surprised not to hear back from you last night"
Pursuit = backsliding = learn from it and try again. You can do it!
Originally Posted by kech
I just nodded my head yes. I know im being a little cold
Cold? Sounds like detached to me. Cold would be turning around and walking away without answering or nodding. You're doing OK.
Originally Posted by kech
He is just living such a different life and normally by now he would be kind of a mess without me and he doesnt seem to be a mess.
Mind-reading and expectations. He doesn't seem to be a mess, but he's living in 2 different places and has no idea what he wants, what his values are, etc. It's all up in the air.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I just feel so sick to my stomach. ... I do not know how you guys were all so strong in your sitch's
I feel sick to my stomach constantly. I think a lot of us maybe struggled with being strong. What's different is that you're very good at expressing it. You don't know how badly anyone else is suffering if they don't say it or show it.
I'm sure a lot of people could jump in here and tell you how badly they hurt. I hope they do, so that you don't feel alone. As for me, I could barely get out of bed today.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I dont even know where hes living honestly. I am pretty sure he sleeps at OW every night but I dont know that. He wants me to think he is sleeping at his best friends house but I dont believe him. I dont tell him I dont believe him though. He thinks he has me fooled about OW, and that his denial has convinced me he isnt seeing anyone. He is insane. I just dont communicate any of this to him because while DBing, I dont believe I am supposed to bring up OW or tell him I know hes lying or any of that.
It feels crazy to me how one action from him affects me THIS much. I felt ok last night, not great by any means but when I went to sleep I felt ok even though he hadnt responded to the childcare text. Then this morning when he still didnt respond I was a bit surprised. And then to call him and him answer and give me an answer, it means he literally read the text at some point and just never even wrote me back. It just is hurtful. It makes me think he was doing something last night more important to him then to just quickly respond to me. He doesnt seem angry, it wasnt like he did it to get to me. It seems like he just really didnt care to respond. I really cant help but feel like what he has going with this OW is becoming really important to him. When he was seeing the OW before, the one that lived in the other city, I KNEW he was in the fog. He was addicted, i knew he felt strong feelings toward her but in an unreal way. Him and her would never have worked out in the real world and I think at some point he realized that. Now, this newer OW lives here, hangs out with his new group of friends, works at the bar he goes to, fits into his new life perfectly. And I think he feels so great being her protector. Like he can go to the bar and make sure no one tries anything and just be her man and it makes him feel REALLY great. And it feels like she has become more important to him than I am.
He told me once when we were talking one day and he was really opening up, that at one point the (1st) OW told him he needed to divorce me. And he was like "I told her she can kick rocks! No one is going to tell me to do that, I dont want us to do that." and I think he thought I would take this news as something good, and instead I think my jaw was on the floor, and I just looked at him and started to cry. And he seemed shocked. And I just said "I cant believe you ever got to the point with her where she felt she had a say in our marriage".
And now, I am starting to feel like this OW may be playing her cards differently. She may be giving him the freedom and he is choosing to be loyal to her in a way and really stop contact with me. Thats how it feels. He is no longer falling apart without me. He is no longer a mess, coming in crying when he sees us. He seems content, he seems ok. And I cant help but feel like its her just giving him the love he needs right now and hes feeling like hes in a really good place.
I of course hope I am wrong. Yes, I would rather him be falling apart without me.
