AS and Amoafwl have been jackhammering me with the "move on with your life" thing and I'm making slow progress there.
Yes, I mean I hope you don't think I'm saying "ditch your M" because I'm not, I'm saying your best path forward is to focus on you and your life and quit feeding energy where it's not doing any good. Do that and hopefully -later- recon will be an option. We all go through the "super-needy" phase where we try to do everything we can to get our spouse back, then we pretend we're DB'ing while still being super-needy. Then we eventually start DB'ing while monitoring our spouse every second for changes, and finally we start DB'ing for real. The sooner you start the "real" DB'ing the better your recon chances.
Nope, I get what you're saying. It's all a lot of paradoxical stuff. I don't trust it but I don't have a choice. The jackhammering is necessary to get some ACTION behind it, and I appreciate it.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by burned
I'm just so stuck on how DONE she is (she NEVER took off her rings, and that was a MAJOR symbolic gesture, as well as removing my last name from her Instagram username). Sounds like, at this point, DB is just "rebuild your darn life."
Steve, Joe and other reconciled men here will tell you they heard the exact same things from their W's. DB is indeed about rebuilding your life, but that doesn't mean there's no chance of recon.
This is good to hear, although I'm sure I wouldn't care as much if I were more detached. I do want to clarify the italicized statement. She never took her rings off BEFORE 8/31 when she said she wanted D. Then she did.
Speaking of that, I think I managed to screw up AGAIN. One of the things I left on the porch that I told her I didn't want was a set of cards that she had given me as a gift during the good days shortly post BD. I realize now that if I didn't want them I should have just tossed them. Instead I "made a statement" in an attempt to show her that I am moving on. Bad idea, burned. Manipulative.
I can't get out of my own way. ARGH burned stop worrying about what she thinks! But I maybe overdid it on the alpha thing. That was just sort of trite and mean.
Last edited by burned; 09/26/1806:12 PM. Reason: dsfasdfgasd
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Dont think this necessarily "changes anything", but it is interesting to note that alot of WW's seem to share this background: Oldest or at least most responsible older child, often the one responsible for helping to raise, set an example for, or keep the others in line, often seen as the "good child", religious upbringing to a certain extent. These are all things in their pasts that WW's when they go wayward are rebelling against, amongst other things. Sandi and my W both fit this profile. Sandi has written about this quite alot, of course, and if you have not read her WW threads (which start at the bottom of her 35 rules string, you need to. She also discusses these phenomena, as well as others common to the WW, all very helpfully, in my strings... but obviously the info is much more spread out, there.
This profile is so true. How free do they feel now that they can finally, FINALLY fulfill their heart's desire ... *puke
My WW fits this as well.
Originally Posted by burned
I'm just so stuck on how DONE she is (she NEVER took off her rings, and that was a MAJOR symbolic gesture, as well as removing my last name from her Instagram username). Sounds like, at this point, DB is just "rebuild your darn life."
Don't worry about that, they all do it. My W did that and has come and gone 4 times now.
Learn from your mistakes. Was it really mean? Or just that the sight of some meaningless gift she gave you after rocking your world? Did the gift mean anything? Or was it just her way of manipulating you?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm just so stuck on how DONE she is (she NEVER took off her rings, and that was a MAJOR symbolic gesture, as well as removing my last name from her Instagram username). Sounds like, at this point, DB is just "rebuild your darn life."
Don't worry about that, they all do it. My W did that and has come and gone 4 times now.
Yeah your sitch is rough. But my W hasn't left and come back at all. She has just been leaving, one foot in front of the other, for going on 4 months now.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Learn from your mistakes. Was it really mean? Or just that the sight of some meaningless gift she gave you after rocking your world? Did the gift mean anything? Or was it just her way of manipulating you?
It meant something at the time. Now it's just a painful reminder. Maybe not 100% manipulative, at least not at the time, but since I'm reevaluating all of that, maybe.
Sort of regretting it. Learning from the mistake. She will certainly see it as "pouty" but my goal was to say, "Since we're done here, I don't want the stuff that you wanted me to have, even if you meant it at the time." Which as I'm typing this sounds like yet another thing that will reduce the likelihood of recon.
In fact, it reeks of pursuit.
Ugh.
Last edited by burned; 09/26/1806:45 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Dont think this necessarily "changes anything", but it is interesting to note that alot of WW's seem to share this background: Oldest or at least most responsible older child, often the one responsible for helping to raise, set an example for, or keep the others in line, often seen as the "good child", religious upbringing to a certain extent. These are all things in their pasts that WW's when they go wayward are rebelling against, amongst other things. Sandi and my W both fit this profile. Sandi has written about this quite alot, of course, and if you have not read her WW threads (which start at the bottom of her 35 rules string, you need to. She also discusses these phenomena, as well as others common to the WW, all very helpfully, in my strings... but obviously the info is much more spread out, there.
Well, I’m a former WH...I fit on the list too 😔
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
She will certainly see it as "pouty" but my goal was to say, "Since we're done here, I don't want the stuff that you wanted me to have, even if you meant it at the time." .
Your goal next time should be to ask yourself something like "Do I want this in my new life?"
If the answer is no, then leave it. If it's yes, then take it. It doesnt matter what she "read into it" because THAT isnt something you can control.
There are a million different ways she could interpret your actions. Why are you causing yourself to spin around in circles trying to guess which one it might be when it doesnt really matter?
Whats important is how YOU think about your life and how YOU make your own choices.
Just dropping by for a quick check-in, Ima be offline for several days, prolly, but just wanted to see how things are going.
burned, it seems like you are somewhat better humor today. If so.... great! Just keep pushing forward. All of us here have faced this type of pain and adversity before, and we all made it through. You can do this, man!
Good advice from Amoafwl to "Stop focusing on her"... Something i definitely struggled with in my own sitch, and something which will definitely preoccupy you and keep you from being all you can be... if you let it. Just remember YOU are in control here!
My thoughts and prayers are with you, dude!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Nope, I get what you're saying. It's all a lot of paradoxical stuff. I don't trust it but I don't have a choice.
This is exactly why DB'ing is so hard, because it doesn't "feel" right!
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I do want to clarify the italicized statement. She never took her rings off BEFORE 8/31 when she said she wanted D. Then she did.
Meh. Don't sweat the details, it could mean something or nothing. Again, every reconciled man here will tell you they were convinced their W was 100% done and gone at some point. Every one. They ALL speak in absolutes. There's zero chance, I'm completely done, this will never work, there's no reason to try. They take their rings off. They get rid of family photos. They look for a new place. They make new friends, lock their phone, sleep with it in their hands for crying out loud. And yet many of them DO change their minds later.
Quote
Speaking of that, I think I managed to screw up AGAIN. One of the things I left on the porch that I told her I didn't want was a set of cards that she had given me as a gift during the good days shortly post BD. I realize now that if I didn't want them I should have just tossed them. Instead I "made a statement" in an attempt to show her that I am moving on. Bad idea, burned. Manipulative.
That's OK, at least you recognized it. Kind of a passive/ aggressive thing, right? Learn and keep moving forward.
Thank you to all. I really appreciate the encouragement. Obviously I'm still struggling with the same stuff but on the surface I think I feel at least 25% better.
Time for some GAL: schlepping boxes.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I AM GOING TO BE STRONG. I know that if I don't reply she will eventually say what it is that she really wants to say, or ask. I won't respond unless there is a question.
I don't need her crumbs. I am not her plan B.
Achilles doesn't give a rats rear who says good morning to him.
Achilles cares if someone is tearing open his tent to get at him.
(Achilles also feels like puking.)
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
