And now, I am starting to feel like this OW may be playing her cards differently. She may be giving him the freedom and he is choosing to be loyal to her in a way and really stop contact with me. Thats how it feels. He is no longer falling apart without me. He is no longer a mess, coming in crying when he sees us. He seems content, he seems ok. And I cant help but feel like its her just giving him the love he needs right now and hes feeling like hes in a really good place.
I of course hope I am wrong. Yes, I would rather him be falling apart without me.
It's not for me to say you're wrong, but you can't know. For all you know, he spends 10 minutes in the car giving himself a pep talk before seeing you, so that he doesn't show how he really feels. Alternate option: you're right. Either way, you can't be 100% certain.
Maybe you're doing what psychologists call "emotional reasoning." You FEAR it, so it becomes real. You focus on evidence that is consistent with your fear, and you downplay evidence that is contrary to what you fear.
The reality is unknown. And "the unknown" is something humans fear very strongly.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
but still obsessing too much about him...need to obsess about yourself. I have bad days too but I have been having more good days lately when I concentrate on what will make me a better person.....and that just might very well be without WW.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
This may be the toughest day to date. I really almost just called him to see if he would meet me somewhere. I just want to cry and let him see me hurt. Hes only seen me be so strong the last 2 months. I am just faking it all so much, I am falling apart a bit.
This may be the toughest day to date. I really almost just called him to see if he would meet me somewhere. I just want to cry and let him see me hurt. Hes only seen me be so strong the last 2 months. I am just faking it all so much, I am falling apart a bit.
So what do you think it will accomplish?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I truly dont know. That he would see what hes done to me and that I am struggling to do this alone but that ive been doing it nonetheless. Everyday. That im sad but im still doing an amazing job raising our daughter. I dont even know if he knows im sad.
or im tempted to tell him we need to just sit down and discuss divorce. It isnt what I want but its like I just want to get his attention somehow. He seems so far gone at this point, its making me feel so lost.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/28/1807:27 PM. Reason: combine posts
Don't guilt trip him. Otherwise he will feel forced to do something he does not want to do. You cannot force him to come back. You cannot force him to love you.
I know it stinks. I know it hurts. And I know you want relief from this pain. And you want it now. If there was a way I can snap my fingers to make the pain stop, I would do it.
But I cannot. As painful as this situation is for you right now and as hopeless as you are feeling, you are on the right track. Trust the process.
Have you joined any social groups? A runner's group? What are your hobbies?
Neither of those are going go get you closer to where you want to be. We all struggle with wanting to reach out. But reaching out is pressure. It is pursuit. And if you don't want D why would you ever do anything to head down that path? Most of the time the LBS pursues D when they don't want D as a way to manipulate the WAS. "Maybe if I start D proceedings they'll wake up and want to R!" Talk about counter-intuitive! That is like telling someone that if someone throws a right hook, lean into it!
So kech, what are your coping mechanisms? Are you concentrating on work? Are you looking for new GAL opportunities? Are you trying to keep mind and body occupied so you don't set your sitch back?
Like calling him this morning in the guise of wanting to make sure he was going to be there at 5:30. Be honest, it wasn't for the appointment time, it was TO CALL HIM. You were going nuts not hearing from him. The right approach would have been to call someone else to watch D so you could make your appointment on time. When he showed up you wouldn't have been there. Or you would told him, "Sorry, I didn't hear from you. I got mom to watch her. I am headed there now."
Anyway kech, we've discussed this before. Your fear of D. Of him not knowing you're sad. Of -insert kech's fear here- is going to cause you to bring about the thing you fear most: DIVORCE.
The choice is always yours. You can go your own way. Many posters have, and the ones that come back here always come back regretting not having listened to the advice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are highly emotional. Everything that you are tempted to do right now, will do the opposite of what you hope that it will.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Neither of those are going go get you closer to where you want to be. We all struggle with wanting to reach out. But reaching out is pressure. It is pursuit. And if you don't want D why would you ever do anything to head down that path? Most of the time the LBS pursues D when they don't want D as a way to manipulate the WAS. "Maybe if I start D proceedings they'll wake up and want to R!" Talk about counter-intuitive! That is like telling someone that if someone throws a right hook, lean into it!
So kech, what are your coping mechanisms? Are you concentrating on work? Are you looking for new GAL opportunities? Are you trying to keep mind and body occupied so you don't set your sitch back?
Like calling him this morning in the guise of wanting to make sure he was going to be there at 5:30. Be honest, it wasn't for the appointment time, it was TO CALL HIM. You were going nuts not hearing from him. The right approach would have been to call someone else to watch D so you could make your appointment on time. When he showed up you wouldn't have been there. Or you would told him, "Sorry, I didn't hear from you. I got mom to watch her. I am headed there now."
Anyway kech, we've discussed this before. Your fear of D. Of him not knowing you're sad. Of -insert kech's fear here- is going to cause you to bring about the thing you fear most: DIVORCE.
The choice is always yours. You can go your own way. Many posters have, and the ones that come back here always come back regretting not having listened to the advice.
Quoting to make sure kech saw it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Truly my call to him this morning was not anything other than making sure the time was ok. What I was doing before was not being assertive when it came to what time I need to do things and he would show up late and I would just act like it was no big deal, even though it was because I was missing appointments and rescheduling everything and not telling him. And I would do all of that just because I didnt want to reach out and confirm things because I didnt want him to feel pressure. So now I am trying to handle that differently. I have created this schedule with him, I am telling him I have to be places at certain times and I am being assertive about things I have to do and when I need him to be there.
Honestly, if I didnt have plans tonight with other people, I probably would have never texted him yesterday about it, and I would have let him show up whatever time he wanted tonight, and I would have missed out on something and not even mentioned it to him JUST because I dont want to reach out and come off as pursuing him. Its a hard balance because like I said yesterday, I do NOT want to reach out to him. And the schedule should help that. But what I have to do tonight is earlier than he would normally come. He is very non chalant about times. He is very non chalant about a lot of things. I dont want to come off as pursuing him. But yes. today WOAH. As soon as I spoke to him it was like a million things ran through my head. And it is because he just seems SO fine.
And I cannot imagine how in the h@LL he is SO fine. Steve, in your sitch did you ever have a certain amount of time go by where WW just seemed completely fine in her own life without you? He is not living at home, I only see him now on the evenings of Tuesday Thursday Friday and Sunday and I see him for about 5 minutes total. And the communication we were having in between has now stopped for the most part. How long do you just go on as if youre heart isnt breaking into 2 when you know theyre just building a foundation with someone else? Its like if I dont step in he is going to just completely fall in love with her and forget everything good about us. I just dont know how long I go on like this. It has been about a week since our communication has dwindled down like this and I just feel like im losing my mind. Somethings gotta give.
