I've been doing a lot of 180 and detaching. We had not had a meaningful conversation in a week. Some texting in regards to the kids. Neither of us have brought up divorce in our exchanges since last weekend. When I talk to the girls, I call my daughter on her phone.
I'm seeing a counselor, and I realize that I've made a lot of mistakes in our marriage and I love my wife dearly. However, I'm focused on being the best me that I can be. I've continued to diet and exercise. I've lost 18 pounds in 6 weeks. I'm actually in the best shape I've been in 10 years. I got rid of DirecTv and Netflix, so I don't watch any TV. I'm getting a lot of rest. I'm reading a lot. A lot of Christian resources, the Bible, DR, and other marriage/divorce books. I've visited friends I haven't seen in awhile. I keep my schedule busy. I've started volunteering more. I did volunteer work on Wednesday, more tomorrow and Monday. Sunday is a fantasy football draft. I've been dressing up more, shaving more regularly. Doing a 21 day Be Kind challenge.
The one odd thing that I did was except an invitation from my W's aunt to have dinner with their family and some other of my wife's family members. I've always gotten along well with my W's family, so I thought why not. They didn't know anything about the situation, and I didn't say anything.
The one thing that hurts is that my wife has been exercising and dieting and she looks better than she has since our second child. She looks damn good. That stings a bit to know that I was getting into shape for her and she's getting into shape for another guy, but oh well. Makes me want to get off social media also.
My counselor has been pushing me to keep hope (she said since I was a Christian, I should have hope), so I guess that answers my question. Mostly, the counseling is about becoming a better me, a better husband and father. It's about learning to do things that keep the connectedness, really getting to know my W (or future GF/W), what makes her tick, what stresses her out, how to show interest in her, etc.
Some days are good. Some days are bad. Emotions are all over the map, and I know that it will be like that for months or even years.
I thought I was doing well--until I called my wife today to let her know that there is no way I could be separated from my kids all year (no matter how many times I came down to visit). She said that's fine, but that we need to fast track the divorce then. That it needs to be finalized before we sell the house in Minnesota (since we have established residency here) and I move down. Now, I'm torn up again. I refrained from asking her if there was any chance at reconciliation. I guess I just have to keep focusing on 180 and detaching. The odds looked pretty stacked against this not ending in divorce quickly. I guess the end goal now is to come out a better man and the best father I can be. My wife still has no love for me, even though I feel like I've grown so much in three weeks and realize now what I'd need to do to be a great husband. She acts like this won't affect the kids at all. I refrained from telling her that it's going to tear them up.
I'm in a situation I need help with. I've been detaching the best I could, and I've definitely been 180'ing. My main focus has been working on being the best man and father that I can be. Last Sunday (9/9) I had a conversation with my wife. I stayed positive. I let her vent a little. It was a good conversation.
I don't know if I mentioned this before, but back in 2009 my wife threatened divorce. We were actually in a bad spot in our relationship. Our older daughter was an infant, and she would only sleep two hours at a time (breastfed). Neither my wife nor I got nearly enough sleep. We actually argued a lot for the only time in our relationship. We saw our pastor, and my wife changed her mind. Things went well for awhile. We had a second daughter.
During the conversation last Sunday, my wife said something like "the last time we had problems, you'd send me emails and texts telling me how sorry you were and that you'd change--but you aren't doing that this time." BTW, I did for the first two weeks before I found resources like this one. After the conversation I sent her a letter than I had held off sending her (because of detaching)... thinking maybe she just wants me to beg. The next day she was full steam ahead with the divorce paperwork. The whole situation was confusing. I went back to detaching, but she hasn't brought up the divorce paperwork since that day. I really don't know what I should do. I'm thinking about continuing to detach and 180 for at least a few weeks, but I don't want her to think I've completely given up. Maybe she's one of those that just wants her husband to acknowledge how much hurt he has caused.
Now that you capitulated b/c she wanted attention that she got before and wasn't getting this time, how would you say that worked out for you?
It is extremely confusing, because you are too attached to a person full of emotional confusion and you are tying your moods to hers. Keep detaching. She temp-checked you, wanting to know if you'd still be there for her. I'm guessing that letter assured her of that. Do you care to share what kind of things were in the letter?
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I'm thinking about continuing to detach and 180 for at least a few weeks, but I don't want her to think I've completely given up. Maybe she's one of those that just wants her husband to acknowledge how much hurt he has caused.
You actually do want her to think that you are "giving up" and moving on with your life. She wants you to be her fallback in case she changes her mind on the divorce, and you continue to choose to stay right where she wants you. How does it feel to be Plan B? Are you ok with being her backup.
She wants to blame you for everything, not "ahve you acknowledge the hurt. Has she caused hurt for you? Is she acknowledging that openly to make you comfortable so that you can reciprocate? Is she just shouting the Gospel from on high?
Gotta get a pair my man. I mean that in the nicest, yet most serious way possible.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm in a situation I need help with. I've been detaching the best I could, and I've definitely been 180'ing. My main focus has been working on being the best man and father that I can be. Last Sunday (9/9) I had a conversation with my wife. I stayed positive. I let her vent a little. It was a good conversation.
I don't know if I mentioned this before, but back in 2009 my wife threatened divorce. We were actually in a bad spot in our relationship. Our older daughter was an infant, and she would only sleep two hours at a time (breastfed). Neither my wife nor I got nearly enough sleep. We actually argued a lot for the only time in our relationship. We saw our pastor, and my wife changed her mind. Things went well for awhile. We had a second daughter.
During the conversation last Sunday, my wife said something like "the last time we had problems, you'd send me emails and texts telling me how sorry you were and that you'd change--but you aren't doing that this time." BTW, I did for the first two weeks before I found resources like this one. After the conversation I sent her a letter than I had held off sending her (because of detaching)... thinking maybe she just wants me to beg. The next day she was full steam ahead with the divorce paperwork. The whole situation was confusing. I went back to detaching, but she hasn't brought up the divorce paperwork since that day. I really don't know what I should do. I'm thinking about continuing to detach and 180 for at least a few weeks, but I don't want her to think I've completely given up. Maybe she's one of those that just wants her husband to acknowledge how much hurt he has caused.
Believe nothing they say. When they are walkaway they will condemn you no matter what. If you write letters, text and call, then you aren't giving them the space they asked for and they want a D. If you give them the space they want they will say you don't care and that that is why they want a D. If you paint your bedroom a perfect shade of blue they'll blame that for wanting a D. If you hold your breath when you dive under water, they will say that the fact you didn't breathe water is the reason they want a D.
In short, they will tell you, no matter what you do, that you should do the opposite. Even when you do the opposite when they told you to.
This is why we say avoid R talks at all costs! And when they insist, you listen and validate. BUT BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY!
She said a lie. You reacted by breaking DB principles. She then moved forward with D. If only LBS would listen to the advice here!
Last edited by Steve85; 09/17/1804:13 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Back to detaching and 180 then. To my original point, I think having no hope is probably the best way forward for me. Then, I'll be making changes for me and my daughters--not because I'm trying to win my wife back.
Yep. That is the way forward Harvey. Make the changes for you and the kids.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I've been sticking to my plan. I've done charity work 6 times in the last 20 days. I've done things that I've been putting off. I'm now down to a weight that I haven't been at since before our wedding. I wasn't severely obese, but I've managed to drop 20+ pounds. My clothes don't fit me anymore, so I spent $500 on new clothes. I even smoked cigars the last two nights--something the W wasn't that found of. Had a great time with my daughters over a long weekend.
One thing threw me off. I'm in a long distance sitch. I saw the wife briefly this weekend. Things were cordial, and I thought I saw a spark from her. I let my guard down. Today, it was back to more talk on divorce proceedings. I'm seriously detaching (I've cut the text messages and emails down to only responding when I'm asked a direct question) and hitting my 180s hard. I've cut down on social media. I don't post just to draw interest--although it's hard to completely ignore it. I can't say that I have any more hope. Probably less, but I'm feeling much better about myself.
