Kech, Haven’t posted to you before, but am Following along from a distance.
I’m not going to tell you how to respond, though I do believe in the friendly neighbor approach.
Your comments about your ic struck me. I agree with everyone else’s sentiments about finding an ic who truly understands your goals and the dynamic, but I also don’t disagree with what your therapist has told you.
Do you really want to be married to someone who lies, cheats and treats you like crap? Someone who openly abandoned your and your baby. No! Absolutely not. It’s hard to see that because many of us hold on to the idea and the fantasy of marriage. I know I did and holding onto that fantasy left me stuck. I should have taken action, but I didn’t. Like you, there was nothing anybody could do that would make me be the one to initiate the divorce. Instead it just prolonged the hurt and games.
Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for divorce. I’m saying let go of the fantasy. It’s hurting you. The reality is you are currently married to a liar and cheater.
Don’t mean to be gruff. I wish someone drilled that into my skull when I was doing exactly what you are now.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Kech, Get another therapist!! My first MC 2 years ago help us work things out and get back together. But I think mostly it was just us wanting to stay married.
A few weeks ago WW went to her after BD. WW told therapist that I was still having problems dealing with the affair a few years ago. Therapist told WW we need to separate because I cant get over it. Therapist never gave us / me tools to deal with the aftermath of the affair.
I think DB book mentions to look for a therapist that is certified by American Association of Marriage and Family therapy. (Not sure of the name). I found one an hour away that is definitely pro marriage. Seems kind of malpractice to make a decision the first meeting.
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
Thanks everyone. I had such high hopes for therapy, that just wasn’t what I expected. Not that I expect someone to tell me “don’t get divorced. Wait for him, he might change”. But I guess I just wanted to come out feeling like I was given some tools to handle the sadness I feel everyday a little better. I don’t reallg want to be told to divorce my H. Maybe I’m insane having any hope. This man is stomping on my heart daily and I’m still here just loving him and praying he can one day come out of this. Maybe it’s crazy honestly.
H and I both got to the house around the same time. I had to get ready to leave and he was coming to watch the baby. I could feel him looking at me with concern, so I don’t know if my eyes looked swollen from crying a lot today or what. And then I went to shower and when I got out I had a text from him saying, “is there something wrong?”
I didn’t respond and a little bit later I went out there to tell him the baby’s dinner was made in the fridge and she would be hungry in an hour or so. He said “you look nice!” I said thanks and walked away. Right before I left I brought him the baby monitor and said I wasn’t sure what time I’d be home but it shouldn’t be too late. He said it was fine and it didn’t matter what time. I went to say goodbye to the baby and I pretended to just see his text and I said “oh I see your text. I’m fine, thanks for asking though.” When I bent down to pick up baby and hug her and say bye, he had tears in his eyes it looked like. He told me to have a good night. I left and that was it. I had an event to go to and I had a nice night with my sister in laws. My mind was occupied the whole night of course but it was a nice break from crying honestly.
I got home and Daughter was in her crib asleep and he told me how much she ate and I grabbed her monitor and went into my room. I had my back to him and he said I’m going to head out. I said ok cya, politely. He locked the door like always and left. That was the night. The minute he left our daughter woke up of course. Which was ok with me because I needed a cuddle. I took her out of her crib and fed her in bed with me until she fell asleep on me. Just put her in her crib for the night and now I’m in bed just praying somehow SOMEHOW tomorrow can be a better day. I don’t want to feel this sad and pine for him. I’m terrified everywhere I go that I’m going to see him driving with OW or see his car somewhere and feel hurt again. I literally go out of my way to avoid places he might be because I can’t take anymore hurt. I just want to feel like myself again.
Him telling me I looked nice was nice of him but it’s also like breadcrumbs. Or maybe it was just a friendly statement bc he thinks we’re just friends now or something. And the text asking if something is wrong. I just feel like it’s all self serving in a way. He’s doing wrong things so just toss the wife a compliment and make sure she’s alright so she leaves me alone.
Mind reading I know. This was just a really really rough day and I know tomorrow will be too. Thanks everyone
Good Morning! Just getting caught up on your recent posts. Yes I would look for a new IC, I have been seeing mine for 4 months and never once has advice been given to take an action like that. My IC is there to interpret what I am feeling and thinking and offer support and to help me achieve my goals. I will admit the first few visits where all directed towards my WW but we transitioned into what I am doing with my life and how things she is doing were affecting me. Your IC will not fix them! They are there to help you.
You've heard it a thousand times and it is so hard but you have to slowly start working on you. I was faking it 100% 2 months ago but slowly I am in a much better place. I feel I can let go now, I really can and it hurt like heck to think that a few weeks ago. But I am not dead neither are you, who knows how long we will live, we deserve to be happy...but it's not going to happen overnight.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Sorry for your experience. Unfortunately this is a common occurrence related to IC. This is why it is important to find the right one, and it is also important for those whose WASs agree to IC find the right one. So many are hostile to marriage. Couple that with their main goal of helping you, and you can see how quickly it can go in the direction it went for you.
As another poster pointed out, your IC may be completely right. There may be no hope. But as R2C pointed out, no one knows that for sure! None of us have the luxury of looking a month, a year or a decade down the road to see what the future will bring.
At this point you have a choice, you can schedule another session and explain in the first 5 minutes that you are opposed to D, it is morally reprehensible to you, and see if the IC can get on board with helping you within the bounds of trying to save your marriage. OR get a new IC. I tell posters here all the time to feel free to shop for the right IC. there is nothing that says you have to keep the IC if you don't agree on something as fundamental as saving your MR.
Also, here you got yourself all worked up that he didn't care anymore and last night you saw that in fact he does! Asking how you are, having tears in his eyes, all signs that in fact he is still in there somewhere. While I caution against getting your hopes too high, at the same time it shows that just because he goes dark for a while doesn't mean he has moved on. Slow and steady wins the race. Impatience is your #1 enemy in DBing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
H came by the house this morning to pick up lawn mower and weed wacker. He never even did the weed wacking here and is obviously taking it to go do someone elses lawn. He came inside to see the baby and could tell she was cranky and I said "ya we had a long night". (because the baby was up a lot).
I didnt really say anything else to him. I think he can tell im a little upset/angry right now. I know I need to snap out of it but I just have nothing to say to him. Im so beyond sad right now, and he just seems happy as a clam.
He got whatever he needed to get and then came back in again to see baby. Again I didnt say anything. And then he said to have a good a day, I said you too and he left.
Im not being mean, I was just on my computer working and basically saying nothing to him. I will do better tonight, im just in a bad place right now emotionally. The IC session did a number on me.
