Yup, that's what it felt like. A lot of what she has done in the past few months has felt like it. I spent a lot of time complaining to her that she had destroyed my life. But I wasn't tough enough to let it go until now. I became a pitiful repulsive weakling in her mind.
Well, not anymore. I will be awesome.
THIS! Yes. For months I kept saying that we have so much good in our marriage that I thought it was worth working on. He just kept saying he was in a mine field and didn't know what to do. I was the pursuer. Looking back it was pathetic. After all, H is the one who was the philanderer. After 8 months of that, I told him to move out until he figured it out, and in the meantime I'm finding myself and doing things that make me happy. I've VERY curious whether he will text me to "just check in", or want to get together. He even said as much last week that I could let him know if I wanted to meet for dinner. I won't be suggesting that! I need to be strong!
I have written three long posts, and lost them. I think something is wrong with my keyboard......or the computer. I'm certain it is not the user (jk). Anyway, I want to mainly reinforce how important it is for you to learn all you can about NGS. Even if it hurts to read it, it will hurt a lot more if you don't. You have two main enemies in this stitch. One is NGS and the other is waywardness. You have to stop trying to see your old W, b/c you are not dealing with her any longer. You are dealing with waywardness.
The majority of men who join the board are those with NGS, and have a WW. It shouts how important it is to know all you can on these two subjects. Throughout the years I have been on the board, I have observed several things, but the biggest of all is how it seems the H with NGS is always dealing with a wayward wife. NGS & WW go hand in hand. If you'll read about the subject, then you'll understand how your NGS played a major role in the wayward mindset of your W.
NGS has nothing to do with polished manners or friendliness. It is not a good man vs the bad guy. It's about fear of not being liked/accepted. It's about the fear of making your W angry with you. It's the fear that prevents you from using tough love when necessary. It's the need to control her, so that she will feel "happy" with you.
The NGS will prompt you to be way too chatty when responding to her text. It will cause you to make excuses to us as to why you responded, or did what you did when we've advised against. B/c that is how your brain has been trained to operate. Guess what, Burned? It's not working for you. You need to be informed with the real issues you are dealing with now.
Please read my threads about the mindset of a WW, how it is formed, plus how a LBH can deal with his WW. The first link is in Cadet's welcome page in your first thread. Please read my posts in those threads, b/c it will save much time that would otherwise be currently spent trying to explain. You say you haven't had the time to read. Really, Mr. Nice Guy? You are living apart from your W and have no kids. Find the time!!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I regret not being able to read your 3 long posts. Your wisdom is priceless, and I thank you for it.
I've read through at least half of the WW threads. TBH it's not so much an issue of time so much as it is an issue of pain. It just hurts. Not an excuse, but an explanation. I will keep at it.
I do really wish I had begun thinking of her as a WW long ago.
And I know about NGS, I have the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and it pretty much feels like the author followed me around for a couple years and just took notes.
I'm working on it, I promise. It's one of my main goals. My new alter-ego, Achilles, isn't a nice guy, but he gets what he wants.
I'm losing what little hope I had left in terms of my WW ever coming to her senses. There's a part of me that is waiting for an intervention from her family. Like, her mother swooping in and saying, "[burned's wife], what on earth are you thinking? Do the right thing!" But WW has convinced herself that "the right thing" is whatever makes her happy.
And having read many of your threads, and comments on Hoosjim's threads, and comments elsewhere...I know that there's nothing I can do about it except to just be a better version of me and not care whether she notices or not.
I'm now starting to better understand the people who keep saying how difficult it is to recon after going through something like this. It's really disheartening.
Again, thank you for your interest in my train wreck of a sitch.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
She texted to ask about moving her phone number to her own account.
And then: "Just out of curiosity, are you specifically not talking to me anymore?"
To which I responded, "Not specifically, no."
W: "OK, thank you."
SHOOT, I should have just not said anything.
Edit: this is her pursuing me, no? Be patient, marathon.
Edit 2: this suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukkkkks. But it's what I need to do. Sandi I am putting my faith in you, but I promise I won't blame you if nothing improves. That's life.
Last edited by burned; 09/28/1809:10 PM. Reason: trying to understand
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Put faith in yourself using Sandi's help. I have been reading your post and it's a lot of you being the victim. Stop being the victim. Take responsibility for helping in the downfall of your M. You are never going to the M you had before. That M is dead. You need to be working for a new M. Improve yourself.
Your comment to Sandi, about not blame her, lets me know that you are missing most of the points being presented to you. If you are worried about your W and M, which I know is hard not worrying them, you are not detaching.
She gave you advice on NGS and WW. The first thing you need to be worried about at the moment is gaining/getting your respect back.
Stop being a victim. Become a respectable man and how your WW treatment of you change. No person on this board can guarantee that your WW will want to come back. But we can help you put yourself in the best possible position.
I want to write more, but I'm at the movies!!!!
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
