I'm probably doing about as well as could be expected. There are ups and downs. Emotions are all over the place. Some hopelessness and depression, but it's relatively limited. I'm starting to get in the angry stage where the fog is lifting on me, and I don't blame myself for everything. I also see that she is not the same person I fell in love with, mainly because her heart is still completely closed off from me. Lots of divorce proceeding talks. Hard to stay positive when that's all you discuss, but it's helped me move on.
Here is my guide to get through this. The things I'm focusing on:
GET A LIFE. This is the healthiest thing I can do. It will occupy my time, so that I'm not thinking about the situation all of the time. It will also make things easier for me in the likelihood that the divorce happens.
DETACH. Ignore what she is saying or doing. Do not believe anything she says or does. She will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. Don't contact her so much. Avoid social media. Don't initiate serious discussions. Always keep conversations short, light, and fun. Say goodbye first. Never have negative interactions.
BE ATTRACTIVE. Work to make myself as attractive as possible. Get my self-confidence and swagger back. Always be my best. Always look my best. Always stay positive and upbeat. Always remain humble, kind, and confident. Do this through my actions and attitude consistently.
IMPROVE. Thank God for this time to work on making positive changes for myself. Take advantage of it (180). The thing I need to improve the most is my listening skills. More than anything, a wife wants to feel she is being heard. Hear what she is saying. Lean in and listen. Make eye contact. Don't interrupt. Be curious. Care about what she is saying. Focus on her. Validate her feelings about the marriage.
BE PATIENT. She is not in a good spot right now. Forgive the painful things she will say or do. It generally takes 4-6 months to turn things around.
LET HER GO. This is rooted in love and hope. Give her the space she needs to figure things out. Give her time to get out of the "everything is his fault" fog. Give me time to get out of the "everything is my fault" fog.
DON'T PLEAD. Saying I've changed isn't going to change her mind. She doesn't trust me.
DON'T BEG. It will turn her off completely, and it's pathetic. Do not appear desperate or needy.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. Be honest with myself. I have caused her pain through my actions. Make changes to improve myself.
DON'T BE A PUSHOVER. Don't be afraid of her. Don't give her too much power. Start working on my husbandly leadership.
STAY MENTALLY STRONG. There will be ups and downs. Anticipate depression & hopelessness.
HAVE A PLAN TO BETTER MYSELF. My goals are:
1) Strengthen my relationship with God--above all else. Become more passionate about my faith. God wants me to draw closer to Him. I have heard that loud and clear throughout this time. STEPS TAKEN: Reading the Bible and other Christian resources. Joined a serving Life Group. Joined a Christian fellowship at work.
2) Become a better mate. Learn to become a humble and servant leader and more self-reliant (not "a third child"). Do the little things to keep connectedness. My wife is my most important job. I need to learn how to listen to her properly. I need to study her, know what makes her tick, what her concerns are, what things I need to do to keep the connectedness. STEPS TAKEN: Reading self-improvement books.
3) Become a better father. Ensure that my girls get 100% of my attention when I'm with them, that I'm 100% invested in them. I've always been a great father, but with the stresses we've had this year my girls have not gotten 100% of my focus. STEPS TAKEN: Reading books on fathering daughters. I have become passionate about my girls again.
4) Become passionate about volunteering. STEPS TAKEN: Following #BeKind21. Serving FMSC. Serving Arc Value Village. Joined a serving Life Group. Looking for other charities on Volunteer March.
5) Get healthier--physically, mentally, and socially. STEPS TAKEN: Reuniting with family and friends. Dieting. Walking/Jogging. Doing squats, planks, situps, pushups. Lost 23 pounds since July 15th and quit chewing since August 1st. Yeah me!
Are there any links or threads that would help me get into the mind of my wife more? I hear she'll talk in absolute negatives, but I'm not sure when/if that starts to lift (where she gets out of the "fog")? Whose threads should I read to see where a wife was certain about the divorce, but then things turned around? I'd like to keep a little bit of hope because, no matter what, I am committed to our marriage and want to feel like I tried my best.
Are there any links or threads that would help me get into the mind of my wife more? I hear she'll talk in absolute negatives, but I'm not sure when/if that starts to lift (where she gets out of the "fog")? Whose threads should I read to see where a wife was certain about the divorce, but then things turned around? I'd like to keep a little bit of hope because, no matter what, I am committed to our marriage and want to feel like I tried my best.
There are no threads about that because that is the LAST thing you want to do. You will know she is out of the fog WHEN her behavior changes for the better OVER a long period of time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So, don't even bother trying to read her mind? That makes sense. It's just that if I knew that generally after, say, 4 months the WAW starts doubting herself, I was thinking it might keep my hope alive. Right now, my hope is on its death bed. That's good for my GAL and detaching, but deep down I don't want to lose that hope.
Mind reading is a cognitive distortion. Do a google search on cognitive distortions. They are not healthy and can lead to lots of problems.
Steve is 100% correct. The last thing you want to do is try to get into her head - it is a cheeseless tunnel. It is completely futile but will have you going around in circles for hours. Detaching is the opposite of that. It is getting present in your own head and letting her go. I know it is rough but you need to let go and accept that your MR is over, that she does not want to be with you. Once you accept that you can start making progress on yourself. The one refrain that I have read over and over here is that it is only once you completely let go that there is any chance of her coming back.
Hang in there.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Are there any links or threads that would help me get into the mind of my wife more? I hear she'll talk in absolute negatives, but I'm not sure when/if that starts to lift (where she gets out of the "fog")? Whose threads should I read to see where a wife was certain about the divorce, but then things turned around? I'd like to keep a little bit of hope because, no matter what, I am committed to our marriage and want to feel like I tried my best.
There are no threads about that because that is the LAST thing you want to do. You will know she is out of the fog WHEN her behavior changes for the better OVER a long period of time.
Amen! It's like asking what's the safest way to walk into a category 5 hurricane, LOL!
Harvey, regarding "Whose threads should I read to see where a wife was certain about the divorce, but then things turned around?" check out Steve's for starters! Joejoe1's is also a good one, and Benito, and Txhubby.
Just had one beer and one cigar for the 5th day in a row. Kind of silly, but I wanted to do something that I would have never done in our marriage. So, I decided that I'd have a cigar every night for a week. I don't drink much and I almost never drink alone, and I only have a couple of cigars/year, but it's been kind of liberating.
I think I'm doing well. Thanks to everyone for their wisdom. I realize that I have to stop looking for little morsels of information, trying to get a read on her thinking. Need to just completely let her go. I have not been on social media since Sunday. I have not texted, emailed, or called. She did text me today, and she said she'd have our younger daughter call me after her swim meet tonight. I told her that I appecriated that--even though I had planned on calling tonight anyways.
The call was a bit strange. Normally, I just call my daughters and we talk on the phone. W usually goes to another room, and I don't even hear a peep from her. Tonight, they FaceTimed me and W actually talked to me for a bit. Not reading anything into it, but it was just different, and it through me for a bit of a loop because I wasn't expecting any interaction with her.
I don't drink much and I almost never drink alone, and I only have a couple of cigars/year, but it's been kind of liberating.