...twice shy...

[burned]

6 hours later: "I didn't need anything, just wanted to say hello. Hope you're OK."

Ignored. You'll have to do better than that to get into my tent. Achilles out.

[burned]

And yet... I want to know WHY she wanted to say good morning. Temp check, I know.

I miss the days when she would say that and mean it, and it was safe to respond. But someday someone will care about me that much again. That person will be me.

[ovrrnbw]

You want to know why, but just let it go. You may never know, and it doesn't matter because you're doing everything you can to have a great life so you really don't have time to worry about it. See?

You got this.

[hoosjim]

And yet... I want to know WHY she wanted to say good morning. Temp check, I know.

Radio silence, Achilles! Be strong, Man!

I miss the days when she would say that and mean it, and it was safe to respond. But someday someone will care about me that much again. That person will be me.

Yes! Now you're getting the idea!

[burned]

It is starting to make sense. If her attitude is, “I’m done with you, we will not be married,” why would she even bother talking to me at all? To keep me on the hook? Or pity, or guilt? It serves her purposes, not mine.

Radio silence. Guess I just have to keep that up indefinitely. My attitude has to be, “You don’t want me in your life, so I’m not going to let you be in mine.”

For the most part it gives me a vague sense of confidence. I mean it’s still not my ideal, but as people have been telling me here for more than a month and a half...what other choice do I have?

[burned]

This is mostly journaling.

IC session this morning. Brought up a lot of what I've been working on here, which is fairly consistent with what he has been trying to tell me for a while but not strongly enough. He said he's going to bring out the 2x4s. Dr. B, are you secretly reading my posts?!

Take home message: I don't HAVE to be what she WANTS me to be. She wants me to be the subservient plan B who always responds to her stupid crumbs with "Yes please can I have some more." Now it's time to show MYSELF that I get to choose what I want. And my choice is to not put up with being treated like a chump.

If that makes her angry, oh well. And I'm not going to make a big deal out of what happened yesterday, except to emphasize 2 things:

1. Ignoring her not only gave me a little taste of personal control. It also gave me an opportunity to think about ME. To act rather than to react. In the words of AnotherStander (maybe Amoafwl, I keep getting my As mixed up), "it's so simple it's almost hard to understand."

2. As proof that she noticed, not that it matters too too much, but for those of you reading along and learning from my mistakes...the follow-up text later in the day was pretty strange. I know it doesn't matter what it means, but it's evidence of some kind of shift in the dynamics, maybe. I would say the translation is, "Hey, how's it going," then no response, then, "Hey, I asked you how it's going and you didn't respond, so I hope you're OK." There was no reason to send the second text. She is starting to wonder. I am starting to be mysterious.

Shipment from Amazon today: a super-fancy coffee machine she never wanted to buy, and a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

[AnotherStander]

Burned, yes those are awesome thoughts, you're on the right path! Now moving forward, when she texts you a "good morning" or "just checking on you" or any of the other dozen texts that all WAS's send (it's in their WAS handbook you know) then A) don't reply and B) don't expend a bunch of energy talking about what her message might have meant, what it probably didn't mean, what will happen next, what will happen if nothing happens next, etc. etc. Just let it go Achilles

Edit to add- this comment of hers: "I didn't need anything, just wanted to say hello. Hope you're OK." just absolutely smacks of pity. Almost to the point of making me throw up in my mouth. Like she's soooo worried about poor pitiful you, she wrecked your poor widdle life and now she's throwing you a dog biscuit on the ground to make sure she doesn't need to call the Suicide Hotline for you. Just concentrate on being AWESOME.

[burned]

Yup, that's what it felt like. A lot of what she has done in the past few months has felt like it. I spent a lot of time complaining to her that she had destroyed my life. But I wasn't tough enough to let it go until now. I became a pitiful repulsive weakling in her mind.

Well, not anymore. I will be awesome.

[joejoe1]

I hope/wish there was a like button. I like button your last comment burned!

[burned]

Wow.

No way to confirm anything, but I had suspicions of an OM2, and now something happened that is difficult to explain (an off-handed comment by someone who lives in that same area with whom I work) but adds credence to the notion.

So I could take W at her word that OM1 isn't in the picture anymore. That may actually be true! But OM2 lives nearby and she probably sees him once or twice a week. He's a pot-smoking dirtbag with no real job. I mean, he's perfectly nice, but.

A few weeks ago she had mentioned going on a hike with him. I thought nothing of it. She can be friends with people, right? And a couple of months ago, when I still had the tracker, she was at his condo for a couple hours, until later at night, like 10 PM. Thought nothing of it at the time because there is a reason for her to interact with him related to the services he provides vis-a-vis her dog.

This is not at all what I wanted to realize. What is wrong with this woman?! And do I confront her to find out? Like, "Hey, how's it going, are you seeing anyone?"

Seriously, this is worse than OM1! Ugh.

Edit: calm down, burned. It doesn't matter anyway.