Not sure DB is working? AnotherStander help!

[Jlh]

I guess my hormone week has me overwhelmed feeling, lately I've been doing much better just ignoring his nasty attitude, but this week is nuts.

He couldn't come over to check out our hot water heater when I smelled some gas, actually huffed and sighed when I asked to check since its a gas hot water heater. Complained to me about the cost of getting a new hot water heater and got fussy when I offered to call the company to ask about payment plans and such. I can't feel bad for him about the money for the Hot water heater as hes the one who put us in horrible debt. (The gas smell and issue is gone btw, just no hot water til I get the thing fixed.)

He will pick and choose when he wants to email me to talk about D mediation and gets fussy when I brush off the emails. He threatened to file separately if I don't agree to a joint filing but then he will stop talking about it for weeks on end only to bring it up again if he starts to get a little friendlier with me.

I think I'm going to go into hiding with my moodiness this weekend and take the kiddo to some fall activities to forget the H issues for a few days. Honestly are these MLC this crazy and confusing? I'm not supposed to be worrying about him and just taking care of me, I know. I'm just so tired of his attitude, but a few friends noticed it too so I'm glad others see it now and not just me.

[Grace21]

I don't know how other LBS do it because right now I'm at my wits end.

Time and practice....resisting the urge to ask questions about mood, just greeting cordially even if you get nothing, or something nasty, in return. GAL he's a lot too. When are are fulfilling ourselves for ourselves, we car less and less about our unhappy spouses' moods. Luckily mine isn't intentionally nasty, but I practice all of these things anyway so as not to find myself easing into questions about what he's doing while we are separated or R talk.

[job]

Jlh,

I have merged your threads since your "current thread" had only 65 postings. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change your subject/topic title at any time while posting in a thread.

[Jlh]

Grace, we just had a civil talk about the budget for alimony and such tonight. Meanwhile he was red eyed and sniffling the whole time. I just don't get this anymore. He says one thing and acts another way. I just want what is best for my son and me.

[Grace21]

Jlh.... Forgive me because I didn't read your entire 1st and 2nd threads from the beginning yet, but did your H have an affair? My H has a lot of self-loathing about it, (even though it didn't stop him from doing it at least twice!!), and has on more than one occasion stated he's no good to anyone and can't imagine why I would want him around. They don't see any solution except to escape. What they don't realize, often until it's too late, is that their escape is no escape at all, because you can't escape from yourself. They try to fill the voids in often destructive ways. So, I don't know if this applies to your H, but he probably is internally beating himself up for not being able to do the work necessary for R, at least not now. Perhaps he is having 2nd thoughts? Who knows, and it won't help to ask because he probably won't say the truth that's in his heart. My H, several months back while in MC, said that if we do get divorced, he see's no reason why it can't be amicable and we remain friends. I'm not so sure about that. We'll see as we are early in this process.

I have been GAL like crazy for 2-3 months now, and 2 people recently told me I seem happy. I recently realized that I am. I am working on filling my life with nice people, and activities that bring me joy. Reengaged in my faith too, which has been awesome. Sure I have moments of sadness, or obsessive thoughts about what H is doing, but I try to quickly replace them with positive thoughts or an activity. I still don't want to be divorced, and hope H is willing someday to build a new marriage. But, in the meantime, I am getting on with life. I hope you can too. It is helping me through this process a great deal.

[Jlh]

He had an EA, Grace21. He feels a lot of shame about it he said and he said a while ago that he is messed up after his brother's passing although after that he says he's just fine now (thats a lie). He as well said that he wants to be great friends still, but I just don't know. Friends don't to the things he did to people they love.

I'm feeling tons better since my hormones calmed for the month, lol! I took my son to the playground and then saved a bunch of money on groceries so those made me happy. I do pretty well for the most part with being happier and moving forward but some days I just get in a funk and think back to happier times. I've been forcing myself to think about happier things when I catch myself starting to wonder about him and trying to analyze his behavior. It just drives me crazy to worry when I need to worry about me instead.

I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself and you're happier. Once I get my kiddo to bed later, I can read your threads to catch up. I have a break now while he is "fixing" his matchbox cars, lol!

[Jlh]

Well so far so good. I love my new job and I'm settling into a new schedule with just me and my son. H likes to call every night to say goodnight to our son which is basically a one sided conversation since the kiddo is six and not into talking on the phone. I don't prompt him to talk as much and it ends up being awkward for him.

There was one night he ended the conversation with "love ya" as a goodbye and then I got super quiet and I think he realized what he said because he was quiet too. I just hung up and honestly it kind of messed with me for a day or two but I pushed past it and chalked it up to his weird behavior. Its still the same thing; one minute he's chatty and the next he acts like its a chore to talk to me. Especially after the love remark, he totally gave the cold shoulder to me after his blurting that out...lol! I'm the one who has to initiate every hello and small talk while we wait for our son to get ready to go with him and it's just disappointing and maddening that a grown man can act like that. The guy can't even come into the living room or go upstairs to get his things. I've been sort of conned into getting some things for him from upstairs but no more, he can get his own things if he needs them so badly. I know now that its not me at all, he's screwed up with whatever his issues are and I am only bettering myself while I notice him looking miserable and a mess. I feel good and in fact I'm looking to work hard, get some school under my belt, and I want to try to the assistant manager position at my job.

H and I have both seen as well as went over some paperwork separately with our own lawyers but nothing is signed and finished yet.

I'm excited for the holidays with my boy. It kind of stings not having my husband (the non crazy one) with us but he chose his path. All of his reminding me that he has no plans with his family isn't making me sympathetic. I'm making a mini thanksgiving dinner for me and my son on black Friday as I have to work on Thanksgiving, which I get paid time and a half. Score! I've gotten more handle on my finances and am slowly coming out of the horrible debt he put us in. things are looking up for me and even though I get low days I am feeling so much better now on my own knowing I can survive.

[DejaVu6]

Wow Jlh... Good for you! Your post is inspiring. I know that it doesn't mean you don't have down days but you are definitely heading in the right direction. Just keep doing what you are doing. You are not only going to survive, you are going to THRIVE. Believe it!!! It will happen. (((HUGS)))

[Jlh]

Thanks! Its still weird to see him just come into the house and not greet me, talk to me, try not to even look at me, etc. He did this to ME yet he seems to try to avoid me like a plague. I just don't get it but I push forward since I guess I'll never get answers on his behavior. I hear if it's a midlife thing this could last for years and that just is weird to me, how they can snap out of this and then seem to act like they don't even know what happened. I rarely hear any good endings to these situations so I don't focus on IF he could come back, I just work on me.

I've had a few down days recently, I guess since it's the holiday season starting. I miss my old husband who did not act like this and was happy.

[Jlh]

I noticed this past week that my H hasn't been doing his nightly calls he makes to our son every night. No warning or anything, he just stopped calling. Now our son doesn't really ask to use the phone as he's still young.

Last night, my boy asked to see his dad so I called him so they could talk and later I asked him if he's not calling anymore at night. His reply was that he didn't want to bother our son. He says this is a "woe is me" kind of tone. He then says that when he's older maybe son will want to talk so he'll just let him call if he wants to talk to his dad. Our son is 6. He's not a phone person, and personally I think H should make the effort to call him. I don't keep him from talking to his dad and I can tell he notices that he hasn't gotten his nightly call from his dad.

When I told him this, H seemed to perk up almost like he wanted an ego boost. I'm just not sure how to go about this; should I let it go and not push it since H doesn't want to call so he doesn't "bother" as he claims? Because honestly, if he's waiting for us to call him so our kiddo can say goodnight it seems a little rough to do to a kid putting it on him to call his daddy instead of H making the effort.

Also, he has said this BS before about not wanting to "bother" our son. Is he honestly talking about our son, or does he mean me and our son. I know the books say to not question the spouse too much, but H's "woe is me, I'm lonely" thing is getting old. Its like he pulls away yet still wants to be a distant part of our lives without the effort right now. Lately for someone wanting to be so happy out of our house, he's been looking miserable.

I just dont want his depression or whatever he is going through to hurt our son.