Ovrrnbw, you said you’ve been there and done that, was it your Ws response to a 180 too? How did you respond to it and how is it going for you so far?
Yea, they'll throw fits, act like turds, and really test you. They won't believe it. And part of you may not believe it. That's why you have to commit to real, positive changes that will help move you forward and be a better person.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for the feedback. I read both Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy a few weeks after I found out about the affair and he said he wanted to separate. Unfortunately, I was such an emotional mess the first three months I couldn’t implement it. My mind kept telling me that I had to share my hurt and pain with him and beg him not to leave. Thankfully, something just clicked in my head a few weeks ago. Hopefully it’s not too late.
He has the kids the next two days and I am going out of town. I think he was expecting me to ask him if we could do a family dinner at his place tonight or tomorrow as that’s what we had been doing before I started the 180 (family dinners always only when he has the kids because he’s never willing to sacrifice his free time to have family dinners when I have the kids). But, I have not asked him to get together tonight or tomorrow so he started texting me again this morning, passive aggressively trying to find out what I’m doing tonight and saying again that he’s sure I’m going to get laid. I just ignored him and he said that was fine and he would find someone else to invite over tonigh.Right...Ugh. I don’t know who I married anymore. I almost think I married a college frat boy.
he would later make a passive aggressive comment like "Have fun tonight. I'm sure you're going to get laid." He continues to do this, including this morning, sending me text messages about how he's sure I'm getting laid, how I have all these men taking me out to dinner, that I'm a liar because I won't admit that I'm having sex. It's bizarre and immature, and he almost seems angry. But when I see him in person he's very kind and sweet and doesn't bring any of this up.......but should I instead tell him that I am? Or should I just not respond at all? I am fearful of making him mad....
Never Lie. The Truth will set you free.
Not Responding is best.
After 3-4 messages like this, then: W:"H, I am sorry that you feel the need to continually accuse me of inappropriate behaviour. The last thing I need to further complicate my life now is dealing with another man."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
How immature of him to say that. And it just goes to show you how much internal struggle he is going through. That is why you don't give in, don't respond to that petulant text. Do not put fuel on the fire.
And if he persists, you respond like R2C said. Not in a mad tone.
I agree with you on stopping the cake eating on the family dinners. That is a good move. He needs to get used to the life he is supposedly wanting.
How's the GAL going?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovrrnbw I had an enjoyable evening with my girlfriends last night. Then, at 9 pm I get a text message from him that says "What are you doing? Want to f**k?" OMG. In the three months we've separated he's never said something like that to me. I'm sure it was driving him crazy that he didn't know who I was with and I wasn't texting him begging him to come back or spend time with me. I probably should not have responded but I was afraid he would get angry if I didn't respond so I replied with "No. I'm out with friends." His response was "Too bad. I already have plan B coming over." I rolled my eyes at that one. I'm pretty sure he didn't have a plan B coming over while the kids were sleeping.
His behavior is giving me anxiety. In doing the 180 and GAL I had hoped he'd turn into the kind, loving husband he once was but instead he's turned into a passive aggressive frat boy. Will it change? Will he turn a corner or will he actually just get worse as this continues? I have plans again tonight with friends and I'm bracing for another round of text messages from him.
Fear will cause you to bring about the very thing you fear. Do the right thing. It may or may not make him angry. You can't control that.
Imagine if he came to you and wanted you to help him plot to murder your neighbor. Would you participate? Of course not. Whether or not it made him angry.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
He is throwing fits and having a very rough time emotionally. He is trying to temp check, lure you in, hurt you all in the course of a couple text messages. I wouldn't have responded to that, or maybe just say "No". That is disgusting behavior.
Continue to go out and enjoy life with your friends.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It's afternoon now and he just sent me a text message telling me I should come over tonight after my date. Of course, I never said anything to him about a date. I don't have a date tonight, just hanging out with friends. I'm sure he said this just to try to find out what I'm doing tonight. I didn't respond to his text.
I think I'm fearful of making him angry for two reasons. 1) We are separated and he says he plans to file for divorce. Our state has a 90 day waiting period so he said he would file so that it wouldn't happen until after Christmas (because, you know, he's such a nice guy). I don't know if there's still hope that he wouldn't file and so I'm afraid to make him angry and cause him to file now.
2) I was a stay at home mom and did not have a job. My attorney tells me not to find a job right now because if he does file then I can get alimony and then get a job, giving me more income (he makes a lot of money, much more than I ever could even if I worked full time). When he gets angry he makes financial threats, and I fear the threats will get worse and I will have to go through a difficult time fighting him in court.
I realize I can't live my life fearful of making him angry but I just have so much anxiety right now over this. I just wasn't expecting this type of reaction from him.
