I agree with Steve. K, we are all saying the same thing here and we have all seen this play out.
My answer for you is: Yes, I felt that way too! I spun and spun for many months. Yes, I thought he was more happy with OW. Yes, it was so so hard not to respond. I could have written all your posts 4-5 years ago. I just didn't.
In the first several months, I did reply to these nonsense comments. I replied a lot. If my H had said or texed "Im tired of things being awkward," well then I would come back with, "It is awkward because you had an A and left your W and family!"
I replied and took the bait for a long time. And guess where it got me? Not very far. There was a moment he left OW for 2-3 weeks and we had several R talks. He would even call me in tears. There were many times he promised to cut her off, end it, and assured me he felt wrong about what he was doing. There were many long emotional talks. There were many apologies. I made so many mistakes; stonewalling, ignoring, guilting, or even begging and crying. Even though I always got his attention, or his guilt, I did not make him want to come back to me! I mostly made him feel worse about himself.
You know what did work? When I finally dropped the rope and took the high road! He saw me moving on and he saw a beautiful and strong woman that knew she was too good for this BS! He saw a more confident woman and mother. He started to see what he saw when he met me. You have to be stronger than him! And in the mean time, things with OW and his feelings for her just deteriorated. The fantasy will crumble but it can take time. They are human and their flaws will eventually show. She became increasingly needy and insecure. He didn't even trust her or feel or have a intimate connection, she was just an escape from life! But that doesn't matter, because I (nor do you) have any control over them! That just takes time to play out. So you need to start using YOUR TIME to get stronger!
Drop the rope. You can do this, I know it! You are a tough mama!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Let that knot unravel and revel in the good you did!!! NO response... kudos.
You behavior is becoming unpredictable... you are taking steps to behave in a matter that is 180degrees. As hard as it is to wrap your head around this you need to stay the course and act "as if".
Trust me... they notice. Maybe NOT notice enough to come running back just yet but it gets there attention.
The thing about your spouse is that they are not going to come back because you say things will be different and they don't come back because you did something different once... they need time to see and believe that you are different and that the R could be different.
You will even get to a stage where your H may be very angry with you... that if you could be this person now then you were truly capable of being that person then and YOU choose not to... They have to work through this anger stage.
I get it that your H is having an A and it tears you in half but you have to know the more you pursue and chase the more he will cleave to his A. Walk away as painful as it is.... right now he has you both. He needs to see his life without you... he needs to see what he is missing out on.
Use this time to sort through your own feelings. Right now you being led around by your emotions - the pain of being left behind. Start working on you - maybe you really want your H back even after the A but then again... maybe you don't. Right now your emotions are dragging you all over the place (and that is completely normal!!) But, the more you detatch and stop pursing you might start to figure out what makes you tick and what drives you and what you really need and want from your spouse outside of just keeping the family together.
(NOte, not responding is NOT the same thing as ignoring. LBSs get that wrong all the time.
What is the difference? Is there a detailed write-up that you can hyperlink? I need to work on this as well, and I don't want to ignore my S, especially if things are crawling upward.
H sent me a text saying “im tired of the awkward feeling.”
Kech,
From your posts, you still sound confused on how to respond to H and question if you are making the correct choices.
This is my recommendation based off everything I understand: 1) Only respond to parenting issues. Never responding to anything that is not related to parenting issues.
I am glad Blue posted. This is another choice. She used THE EXACT WORDS I was going to use: 2)
Originally Posted by BluWave
I would come back with, "It is awkward because you had an A and left your W and family!"
I replied and took the bait for a long time. And guess where it got me? Not very far. .... I mostly made him feel worse about himself.
If you FEEL that you must reply, WAIT. WAIT 6 hours. Snap the rubber band on your wrist.
3) "What awkward feeling?" 4) "So am I. When do you plan on having your own place?" 5) "Why do you feel awkward spending time with D?"
I am sure there are many more. Which one brings you closer to your Goals?
Each one may work at different stages of the process. Each one will trigger a different response.
You know H better than anyone on this planet does. Imagine what he thinks and feels and how he might react to each response.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
(NOte, not responding is NOT the same thing as ignoring. LBSs get that wrong all the time.
What is the difference? Is there a detailed write-up that you can hyperlink? I need to work on this as well, and I don't want to ignore my S, especially if things are crawling upward.
Ignoring is not even reading them. Not responding is reading but not responding unless there is a need to. (See R2C's post above this one.)
They'll accuse of ignoring, but you can say. "No I read it, but I don't see where you were looking for a response." Remember, do not respond unless asked a direct question and even then do it on your own time. Not right away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Each of us have made a series of choices that has brought us right here, right now. Clearly, the choices we made in the past did not produce the results in our lives that we wanted. Each choice we make NOW has direct effect on our future.
The hard part for most of us is seeing outside our box and seeing all the choices we have and the effects each will have. That is why it is so important for the "supporters" to layout choices (and likely outcomes) that we have seen work for others. Hindsight is 20/20. We need to leverage off those that are looking backwards.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I cant shake the feeling today. The constant knot in my stomach has not gone away, it is the worst feeling. I had this after BD a year ago, from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning until I went to sleep at night, I had a constant knot. It is why I couldnt eat and lost 20 pounds while pregnant.
Thanks everyone for the continued amazing advice. I didnt have a problem not responding to his "awkward" statement yesterday, he never said anything after that so clearly he wasnt that concerned. It is hard to feel like im not ignoring him, when i know thats how he takes it. BUt at the same time, I dont care. He is doing this. He is seeing someone else. He is breaking my heart more and more everyday by continuing this.
I do feel like I am just losing him more and more everyday. I know he just said to me on Friday that he isnt over me and isnt ready to move on, but his actions show otherwise and I just feel very lost. I dont even know where to start as far as trying to show him theres still a connection there. And I know thats not my job right now, and that I need to keep pulling away. I am just discouraged right now and extremely sad.
