Equalzr's WW. Still accepting advice! Pt 3

[BluWave]

(joejoe, can you please update your sitch in piecing? I have been waiting ... Sorry for the interruption, folks, carry on!)

[equalzr]

Well at least i know the debate in ky head about doing it was justified lol.

Joejoe, i dont think im being vindictive by not wanting to pay/do it. I just feel like if its not mine and W made it clear the 10's of thousands of dollars i put into home equal no more than rent, well i feel im being used by doing it now.

LH, your right about the wedding vows. According to her, people make mistakes and things change. Also, i know that OM has been in the background playing puppetmaster with her. Hes trying to make her play hardball w/ me, so your right about that. Sad how you go from a happy M to being the outsider.

David, i want to say it was after i started thinking there was an A going on initially. I dont feel the need to do nice things for W at all. I dont want to be a jerk at this point if that makes sense, but im not trying to be mr nice guy either. Only reason im considering it os because i said i was going to do something about it, and im focused on 180's.

Lost, im going to consider your suggestion.

Thanks for the feedback everyone! I appreciate y'all!

[equalzr]

E,

Well, worrying about what her and OM think about you is weak. Every person that disagreed with me, did so on the basis of what and how your W treated you. But guess what, you are not your W. I told you to fix it because YOU told her you would.

Just beacuse your W, went against y'all vows, dont mean you can't live up to your word. Don't allow another person to turn you into something you are not. When it's all said and done all we have is our words and actions.

What we do when we DB is not always about how we interact with our S, but how we make decisions about and for ourselves.

We deal with procrastination by starting. It's that simple. Make a move. Get up. Go.

Life is simple, it's all the other people around us that makes it hard.

You make a damn good argument JJ. I had made my mind up to not do it, but yoir making me think a 3rd time. Jusy to be clear, i wouldnt not do it because of the A and the D, but because she basically said i didnt have any right to the home and basically have to walk away empty handed to something that was an investment property although in her name.

[joejoe1]

E,

When/if you fix what it is you told her. You would do it with no expectations. I would do it when she wasn't home and never tell her I fixed. Like I said You are doing this for you. You are keep your word. The key words in that last sentence. "You" are keeping "your" word. That, you can hold on too for a lifetime. You want be fixing it for ploy to get your W back.

You got this E. No matter your decision, please make the decision for you and not because of what your W is putting you thru.

Think about it this way. You are doing this for a person that is not your W. So, if you gave your word to another person, would you feel obligated to do it. So, take your W out of the equation. As a man and person do you ever fallback on your words, because if you don't, please dont start with this issue.

[AnotherStander]

W was super curious this a.m. she knows ive been out more, and she wonders what im looking at on phone/computer etc. I dont let her see or tell her because she didnt do that for me over the ladt 2 years and she also doesnt have that privilige anymore since she filed for D. I dont know if shes jealous, fears losing control, or wants something to use against me for D.

She's probably curious more than anything. She doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either, so the thought that you might be seeing someone is probably eating at her a little. It doesn't mean she wants you back, at least not for a while yet.

Im not sure how to respond to her asking to see, or maybe i am(just keep saying no). In the past ive just said no, and today i told her that she didnt let me see her phone for 1.5 years. Shes always plotting and scheming in the background so i have no idea what shes up to this time.

Just tell her that if she were still your wife that is something you would consider, but seeing as she has decided to end the M then she needs to respect your privacy. Don't be mean or angry or anything, just tell her as calmly as you can. Even though your M is technically still in place legally, for all intents and purposes she has already ended it. As such, she no longer has "rights" to the kind of expectations that a wife might.

She told me today that im doing all the same exact things i accused her of, but then she wouldnt go into detail about what she meant exactly(obviously locking phone is 1). Then she gives me the old "i know everything i need to know now" line.

Don't engage when she says stuff like that. Just reiterate what I said above and if she tries to turn it into a fight just tell her you're not interested in fighting and leave the room. The way things are right now she's just looking for reasons to fight because she wants to reinforce her cloudy idea that you are a mean, angry, vindictive person that she needs out of her life. So be the opposite of that. I mean do be firm, but be lovingly firm.

Deal is the W asked about me fixing something on the house that i said i would do a while back and never actually did it. That said, since she has filed for D, legally i have no claim to the house. I really dont want to repair the house or spend money on the house since im now being treated as a temporary renter.

Should i spend money and do the repair? My feeling was to tell her since its been made clear its no longer my home i wont be putting any money into it. Any thoughts?

OK well this is a tough one. If you do it, your W is going to think "oh he only did it to try and pull me back in, it's a trick." And if you don't do it she's going to think "yeah I figured as much, never follows through." So it's really a no-win situation. So here's my question to you- what do YOU think is the right thing to do? Which option would make you sleep better at night? If it eats at you that you didn't fulfill this promise then do it. But if it eats at you that you're blowing money on something you'll get no return out of, then don't do it. Personally if it's not a lot of money we're talking about here I would do it, and then not say a word to her about it. I personally would do it simply because for me it's an issue of honor. My ex took our marriage away, but she can't take away my honor, dignity and respect and I will not do anything to diminish those myself.

[LH19]

E,

You can also look at it as a business decision. Is it in my best interest economically to invest equity in a house that you do not own.

[equalzr]

AS, thank you so much for the advice. You make too much sense! I appreciate it, i truly do. Feel free to drop by and keep leaving nuggets of wisdom. Im guessing ill lean towards being a man of my word and do the fix. It shouldnt cost much and ill do it for as cheap as possible.

LH, i agree with you. Believe me, if it were going to cost a significant sum of money, forget about it.

I know at this point im being used, so ill proceed cautiously after this.

Im glad i have all this advice coming in from y'all. It makes a big difference.

[equalzr]

My W seemed to have an attitude today when i came home from working out. It was more directed at my S but seemed to be her general mood for the evening.

My S has definitely been acting out lately. I dont know if its teenage years, or if its the situation at home combined with it. W and S clash regularly now, but he has his moments with me as well. S doesnt know details of whats going on, but he has to have some clue that his mom's actions are questionable.

Thay said, after W was done talking with S she came out and ate dinner near me on the couch. She rarely ever does this. Only since filing and custody talks so she can guve appearance shes spending time with S. S wasnt eating with us, he was in his room which made it really unusual for her. I think maybe she was feeling a little more comfortable since the 2 of us had a calm talk about S and what we need to do with him.

She then became very talkative and began talking to me quiye a bit about her day and a few other things. I just listened and didnt say much. I almost dont know how to act in those situations now. I feel like i was gettong friend zoned tonight. She did vaguely accuse me of seeing someone else again earlier because of my GAL. Though she said she had no feelings about it, it was just an observation(paraphrasing).

[LH19]

E,

Why were you home and not out GAL?

[equalzr]

I was actually GAL! Lol

I had just come back from the gym....which im starting to see the rewards of!!!

That said, ive been keeping myself busy from morning to night. Making sure im preparing to have a great of for myself in the future. I had tons of work to do on the computer after that, so i was around the house. Ill start doing more of that elsewhere.

I think im getting temp checked and didnt realize it.