Equalzr's WW. Still accepting advice! Pt 3

[LH19]

She had a husband who was always willing to change to try and make her happy.

I told my S that my W had worked really hard, took great care of us, and now she needed a break and we need to love her and be patient.

E,

I highlighted these statements to show you although you had good intentions this is the problem.

This is approval seeking behavior and really beta. You need to figure out who you are and own it. The right woman will come along and accept you for who you are and won't ask you to change to make her happy.

Another statement that sounds very beta. As the man and the leader of the house it is your job to take care of your family not hers.

Look man , I am not making excuses for her behavior. What i want to do is get you to learn from your mistakes and start to move forward taking action that will prevent this from happening to you again.

You should really start to think about what is your mission and purpose in life moving forward.

[equalzr]

She had a husband who was always willing to change to try and make her happy.

I told my S that my W had worked really hard, took great care of us, and now she needed a break and we need to love her and be patient.

E,

I highlighted these statements to show you although you had good intentions this is the problem.

This is approval seeking behavior and really beta. You need to figure out who you are and own it. The right woman will come along and accept you for who you are and won't ask you to change to make her happy.

Another statement that sounds very beta. As the man and the leader of the house it is your job to take care of your family not hers.

Look man , I am not making excuses for her behavior. What i want to do is get you to learn from your mistakes and start to move forward taking action that will prevent this from happening to you again.

You should really start to think about what is your mission and purpose in life moving forward.

Thanks LH, i really needed that. I now realize that i really have lacked in the take charge department. I guess as far as change goes, what i mean to say is grow and mature in the R. I didnt know how lacking i was in the taking care of my family department. Dont get me wrong, ive worked my butt off for them and always been there for them, but i didnt take charge and didnt have a plan.

Im doing everything i can to better myself from this situation. As much as it hurts, and oh does it hurt, ive learned so much from this. I just wish i could grow with my W and family. Growth, development, and having a plan...all part of my forever plan now.

Ill come back to this in a bit...gotta run.

[equalzr]

No changes to report.

W is still speeding toward D, and seems to have future all planned with OM. So nothing new there, as they have been in a full on R for quite some time. She is in the process of slowly erasing me from her life piece by piece.

There was a moment in the last few days where W was basically followimg me around the house and berating me for everything i did wrong in the MR, and the short comings i have now(she moved the goal posts so many times i lost track). My mother happened to be visiting, and usually stays out of our business, but after listening to aboit 30-45 minutes of her going on and on she asked if we can stop it. My W blew a gasket and cursed and yelled at both of us. Very sad in light of how much my mom has helped my W over the years and treated her like a daughter. My W has never done anything close to that. Ill be moving out fairly soon, so our dynamics are going to change.

Over the last 1.5 weeks i slipped back into depression for a bit as i have major things outside of the M going on too. My plate is beyond full and its been a bit overwhelming. I was doing really bad for a few days, and realized how lonely i was as well. My GAL has slowed down a bit just because business matters are a priority right now. Having been a sahd i have some financial issues to address. That said, im getting closer to deciding on a graduate program to start which is big for me. Been trying to figure it out for years.

[equalzr]

I have the feeling my W is trying to financially crush me in the D(i know, its common). Shes a very intelligent and clever woman, but i never realized that would be used against me 1 day. Its like every move she makes has a motive behind it to take a little something else from me. Someone on the outside would surely think that i had been the one involved in the A.

Does being spiteful help her deal with her guilt??

Im really working on self development goals right now. I want to be more decisive, be a better leader, and make sure i have goas with a plan in mind.

[AnotherStander]

Wow, sorry to hear that EQ. This is tough enough to go through without her constantly verbally abusing you as well, and even your mother! Horrible. Just be the best "you" that you can be and leave her to the mess she's making.

[ovrrnbw]

There was a moment in the last few days where W was basically followimg me around the house and berating me

People will treat you how you let them treat you. If I was in your shoes, I would have said "If you were a man, I'd hit you. I'm leaving." And leave the house. That kind of treatment is total BS.

Just remember that anger is a secondhand emotion and that her anger and lashing out at you is a sign of the pain she is going through quite a bit too. Don't fight fire with fire here.

[equalzr]

Thanks AS. Its been rough to say the least. I can read her face and tell when shes on the hunt for a fight. Im not 100% sure what sets her off, but i do know that she has been getting coaching from OM, thats obvious. When she is in the mood for a fight, she will not let up.

Im wondering if i should send my S to an IC. I asked him if he would like to talk to someone and he said no(typical boy). I also asked my IC, and she said dont do it if he doesnt want to talk, lets wait and see how he does etc. That said hes definitely displaying some issues with anger, and hes mentuoned to me in the past that he thinks he is the problem amongst a few other things hes confided in me about. I made sure to address that right away and let him know he has nothing to do with it and mom and dad love him, but i still feel like maybe he would be more comfortable talking with someone else. I asked my W about it, and she seemed very disinterested in the whole thing and definitely didnt want him seeing my IC. Putting 2 and 2 together, i figured out that shes probably worried that he will eventually figure out her A and ic will also talk with him about mom being gone all the time.

[equalzr]

There was a moment in the last few days where W was basically followimg me around the house and berating me

People will treat you how you let them treat you. If I was in your shoes, I would have said "If you were a man, I'd hit you. I'm leaving." And leave the house. That kind of treatment is total BS.

Just remember that anger is a secondhand emotion and that her anger and lashing out at you is a sign of the pain she is going through quite a bit too. Don't fight fire with fire here.

Im aware that she may be provoking me intentionally because of the pending custody/placement issues. She always has a plan and can be a manipulator.

I couldnt agree more about people doing to you what you let them. Ive held my tongue for the most part because of the issues stated above. Im not perfect and at times have said some things back, but they are few and far between. My W stooped to a new low, and it was tough to see how hurt my mother was.

[equalzr]

I just realized that i have taken a step backwards in detaching. Things had become so bad with W's attitude, manipulation tactics, and her lashing out, that i had started giving longer responses in texts and in person.

I realized in the last few days that i was codependent on my W. I really didnt have a life outside of MR or being a father. Now i see why it has been so tough to fully let go/drop the rope. I have no expectatiins anymore, those are long gone as i realize shes moved on and is in a R with OM. Im at peace with doing everything I could to save M. No matter what, there is a part of me that longs for the R we had or and improved R2.0. I know she doesnt exist anymore, but i miss my friend and W.

Im learning so much in the last few weeks about myself, being a man, being a better husband, better father etc. I can only wonder why this information isnt taught to us well before we're married or in an R?

[lost8]

Yeah wouldn't that be awesome if we got the manual before we bought the car. I feel your pain, I have developed that codependency as well and always felt it was the right hing to do for 18 years....boy was I wrong. However we are not dead and I can only hope we can both move forward and eventually get the peace and love that we deserve in life to come.

On the following around and berating part, at certain points in the last 5 months my WW has flipped out for periods and has even gone to extents to tell people I am beating her even though I have never and will never lay a hand on her to justify what she is doing. That being said my attorney said feel free to break out the phone and record and let her know if you are in an uncomfortable situation.