My H and I have been separated for a little over 3 months, though he did not move out of the house until 6 weeks ago. We had marital problems for a few years with him being emotionally distant. He felt I never made him feel wanted, that we lost our connection, didn't help each other grow, etc. I found out 3 months ago that he was having a year long affair, which he has since ended because she was also married and her husband found out too. They both agreed to end it to "figure things out," though he tells me he doesn't know what will happen with her in the future. He decided he had been so unhappy in our marriage that he needed to move out. All this time he would go back and forth telling me he still had hope for us one day, then the next day when he was frustrated with me begging and pleading for him to come back, he'd tell me he didn't have hope and he was never coming back.
About 3 weeks ago I reached my breaking point. He told me he was filing for divorce (has not done so yet but he may once we finalize the parenting plan). He told me my begging and pleading was making him miserable. At that moment I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't handle his hope one day and no hope the next day. I decided I was no longer going to beg and plead for him to come back.
I stopped all that and also stopped texting or calling him. I still see him and talk to him when we have kid related stuff to discuss, but otherwise, I have changed from the needy person I have been the last few months. It's been hard, but I realized what I was doing wasn't working and it was emotionally draining. I've been enjoying time with friends and really keeping myself busy.
However, he's reacted in a way I did not expect, and I'm not quite sure how to respond to it. At first, I did not hear from him, then he would start texting me random kid related questions that seemed unnecessary. Then, he would show up at my house without telling me, ringing the doorbell with the excuse that he had to get stuff out of the garage.
Then, starting last weekend, when I didn't have the kids and I was out with friends, he would text me at night to tell me something random about the kids (like they were having fun, they were asleep, etc.). But then he would later make a passive aggressive comment like "Have fun tonight. I'm sure you're going to get laid." He continues to do this, including this morning, sending me text messages about how he's sure I'm getting laid, how I have all these men taking me out to dinner, that I'm a liar because I won't admit that I'm having sex. It's bizarre and immature, and he almost seems angry. But when I see him in person he's very kind and sweet and doesn't bring any of this up.
Is this a normal reaction when you do a 180? Has anyone ever experienced this? Is this just jealousy but not necessarily a sign of hope that he's coming around? Is he just acting like this right now because he's not seeing anyone and so is angry that I might possibly be? Right now, when he says these things I tell him I am not getting laid, that I'm just out with friends, etc. I don't want to play games but should I instead tell him that I am? Or should I just not respond at all? I am fearful of making him mad and losing all chances of him coming back so we can repair our marriage. I worry if he thinks I am sleeping around or if I just totally ignore him that he will take it as a sign that I have moved on and so he will too. On the other hand, I wonder if him thinking he may possibly lose me for good will bring about reconciliation.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-64, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Im in this situation with W in regard to random calls about kid for nothing. She doesnt want me but doesnt necessarily want anyone else to have me either. Id guess your situation is similar. Im sure a vet will be along soon with better advice than this.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Hi equalzr. Did your W start this behavior after you started doing a 180? Before I started doing it and was begging and pleading for him to come back he was actually encouraging me to date. He even told me to start a Tinder profile and said the idea of me with another man was "hot." He still says this but then he adds on his passive aggressive comments about being sure I'm getting laid. When I tell him I'm not he calls me a liar. The more he acts like this the less I feel like I want to reconcile.
Wow O Wow. Classic projection. I've been there done that and then some. He's having an affair, and it would make him feel better if you did too.
BUT, in person, he's charming and different. Mkay yea. I don't get the wishy washy bull stuff...
He's all over the place b/c of your 180. That's ok. Kind of a positive really. Stay mysterious. He lost the right to knowing what you're doing when he started his affair. So you are out with friend. ALWAYS. What you are doing is no business of his.
Don't antagonize, but you don't have to respond to all his stuff. Sounds like you are busy moving on.
And you're right, him thinking you are moved on will help make it real for him and help decide what he ultimately wants. Wait til Monday, we'll get a few more opinions. You are so strong and wise. I wish I knew right away what you did.
Keep reading, keep on.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hi equalzr. Did your W start this behavior after you started doing a 180? Before I started doing it and was begging and pleading for him to come back he was actually encouraging me to date. He even told me to start a Tinder profile and said the idea of me with another man was "hot." He still says this but then he adds on his passive aggressive comments about being sure I'm getting laid. When I tell him I'm not he calls me a liar. The more he acts like this the less I feel like I want to reconcile.
Yes my W started after 180's and me GAL. Everything they do is about selfishness and easing their guilt. The one thing they do NOT want to do is be confronted with their actions. Dont take anything they do or say seriously, they are NOT being rational or realistic at all. Do not let them make you doubt your own sanity, they are the ones living in lala land.
My W lied to me about everything for a long long time. It took me over a year to realize that yes i contributed to some things in our M that werent as good as they could have been, but what she was doing was 100% on her. I realize now that my W did everything she could to get me to file for a D. I didnt take the bait, because i dont believe in it. She will have to live with what shes done to our family and she will have to take responsibility for D to our S. We both made some mistakes along the way, but W will have to own up to A and D eventually. Sorry to ramble about my sitch.
He only wants you to be with another man to soothe his guilt. Do NOT fall for it. This is his mess, let him lay in it. Take the time you have to become the best cdd1976 you can be.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
I thought I was doing fairly well with the 180 but I totally messed up tonight. He’s an avid camper/hiker/mountain climber and I knew he went backpacking this weekend- This evening during his drive back he sent me a random text about something funny, which I was surprised he did. He then asked how our weekend was, and I asked him how backpacking was- I had a moment of weakness and asked who he went with. I asked if he took a woman with him. He said there were women but it was a group. Didn’t make me feel better and I hated myself for asking. He then said he was going to get dinner. Still feeling weak, I asked who he was going with. He told me he wasn’t going on a date. I’m so disappointed in myself. This is something I did often the first three months but I made such strides the last few weeks actin* like I didn’t care what he was doing. I think I was feeling really down tonight and I reverted back to my old ways. I hope I didn’t mess things up too badly.
I haven't been here long and I feel for you. Apparently from personal experience and what I have been told (here) is it happens. You will do that. I have done it and wanting to get to a MR 2.0 is all consuming most times.
My W has said to move on... date... I haven't and have no interest in anyone else in that regard. Although from what I am reading here... I don't think there is either a EA or PA.... I cant be sure anymore...
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
