Is this a normal response to a 180?

[cdd1976]

He spent the rest of the week doing the same thing...texting me with comments about how I'm probably out on a date and/or getting laid. He was drunk Thursday night and sent me a late night text saying he had a random thought and wondered if I slept with an acquaintance that we both knew. I had not and I have no idea why this random thought came to his head.

I dropped off the kids at his place Friday. He gave me a big hug. He asked how my job search was going. While my attorney tells me not to get a job I have been looking, just to see what's out there. He told me not to worry if I don't find one soon because "no matter what happens" he's going to take care of me. He was oddly very kind and sweet.

Then the next day I sent him a text message. I was going camping, and I could not find where he put my hiking backpack. He made a comment about how I was probably going to get laid in my tent (ugh) and then was really rude and unhelpful about where my backpack could possibly be. He text me tonight with some kid related stuff and was cold and distant again. I don't know what's up with his moods. It's draining to try to keep up with him. I think I need to be better at really detaching. I think when I dropped off the kids Friday he could sense that I still wanted to be with him so he reverted back to distancing.

[cdd1976]

Last night I had the kids. He sent me a text asking if I was going to invite anyone over. Of course I wasn’t. I just said no. I don’t know why he would even ask that.

Today he asked me if I ever get the urge to call a guy late at night to come over just for sex. I said no and he said “Of course, you’re too much of a good girl.” He told me he gets those urges and doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t. Then he said “I guess we’re just different.” I don’t know why he would bring that up. It’s hurtful to me. He did always complain that I was too much of a good girl in bed. I feel like he’s criticizing me to get back at me for being more distant or he’s just really trying to be hurtful because he holds so much resentment against me for making him feel unwanted during our marriage.

I am so tempted to ask him why he is being so hurtful and saying these things but I haven’t. Do I just ignore these comments and questions? I’m trying not to make him angry by ignoring him but I can’t take much more of this. It hurts because I feel like he is a different person from the person I married. He seems like a sex crazed lunatic.

[Ready2Change]

Do I just ignore these comments and questions? I’m trying not to make him angry by ignoring him but I can’t take much more of this. It hurts because I feel like he is a different person from the person I married. He seems like a sex crazed lunatic.

You can set and enforce boundaries. Have you read the boundries thread that is sticky at top of newcomers?


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1859179

[Ready2Change]

After 3-4 messages like this, then:
W:"H, I am sorry that you feel the need to continually accuse me of inappropriate behaviour. The last thing I need to further complicate my life now is dealing with another man."

Next inappropriate text he sends you...Send this ^^^^^^^

[cdd1976]

So in the last three days, his sexual questions and comments have ceased. In fact, he seems more “normal.” I did go out Wednesday night when he had the kids, and he sent me a text at 9 pm asking what I was doing l. I didn’t respond, but he didn’t follow up with anything like “I know your getting laid, etc.” the next morning he sent me a random question about the kids that really wasn’t necessary.

He asked me if I could take the kids next Tuesday night due to a work dinner he had to attend. I said I already had plans. He jokingly asked if it was a date but left it at that.

I’m sensing almost a growing indifference from him. Yeah he’s still curious about what I’m doing but not as jealous. I don’t know why if it’s because he realizes I really am not sleeping with anyone, or that he has no right to be jealous, or maybe he just doesn’t care anymore. I had the kids Tuesday night and I didn’t hear a peep from him, which makes me worry that he’s starting to date someone. I know it doesn’t matter and DB is all about this and I should not care. I just fear he’s going to become so indifferent he will no longer care about our M. Am I still on the right track if I continue on?

[cdd1976]

I realize I am not getting much feedback. Just journaling here helps but could use advice.

He asked again about having the kids sleep at my house Tuesday because he was trying to coordinate something. I told him again I couldn’t change my Tuesday plans, which involved a dinner with several people planned months ago (though I didn’t say that). I was a little frustrated and he was too. He said it was fine then.

Then, after not bringing it up for a month, he asked when my lawyer would return from vacation so we could finish the parenting plan. I told him she returns at the end of the month, like we had discussed. Then he said he’s filing for divorce once we get my lawyer’s feedback. He probably will but he always threatens that when he’s mad, though I think it’s true this time.

I made the mistake of saying I wish he would be willing to work it it. He said no, not possible. He doesn’t want to go back to an unhappy marriage where he felt he married a business partner who never laughed with him or tried to show interest in him. I told him I understand and I’m sorry he felt that way. I said I know where I went wrong but we were both contributors to our marriage’s failure )I didn’t bring up his affair again). I said I am willing to try and work on things. He didn’t say anything more and just started “joking” and asking about who I’m going out with Tuesday.

I’m scared he really will file for divorce soon and that he really never wants to try to make our marriage work. Should I give up or just try harder to 180 and GAL and detach? I realize I haven’t been 100% great at it.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

[Ready2Change]

I realize I am not getting much feedback. Just journaling here helps but could use advice...
Any feedback would be appreciated.

Making positive changes in the way you interact never hurts. DBing is about YOUR personal growth.

H has pointed out POSSIBLE areas of improvement. You decide if you want to make those changes. You can also decide other areas that you want to change. Improve the way you communicate. (if you want)

[Ready2Change]

He doesn’t want to go back to an unhappy marriage where he felt he married a business partner who never laughed with him or tried to show interest in him.

W,"H, I totally agree. I do not want to go back to an unhappy marriage either. I want us both to be happy"


What things do you find interesting in H?

[Ready2Change]

...just started “joking” and asking about who I’m going out with Tuesday.....

Maybe an opportunity to make him laugh.

People laugh as a shock reaction. Who is the most ridiculous person?

Just throwing ideas out.

[SteveLW]

I’m scared he really will file for divorce soon and that he really never wants to try to make our marriage work. Should I give up or just try harder to 180 and GAL and detach? I realize I haven’t been 100% great at it.

Okay lets talk about the first sentence. Why are you scared he will file for D? D doesnt' have to be the end. Many here like to say it is just a step in the process. Getting D'd doesn't mean you have any less, or more, chance at R. Also, whether her files for D has nothing to do with whether or not "he really never wants to try to make our marriage work". You need to decouple those things in your mind. He may file or not file. And he may want to try or he may not. Neither is mutually exclusive of the other.

More importantly, why do you want to remain married to someone that never want to try to make our marriage work.

How about wording it like this instead:

"I sure hope he wants to make our marriage work. But if he doesn't, he needs to file for D so that we both can move on with our lives." Drop the fear. Fear will paralyze you. Fear will bring about the very thing you fear.

Now to answer your question, again they are not mutually exclusive. Yes you should give up, but you should also try harder to 180, GAL, and detach. In fact, the combination of the 4 of those things has the best chance of waking him up. Until you give up, 180, GAL and detach he will know you are his plan B option. Take that option away, it is the best thing you can do to save your marriage.