MLC or WAW?

[EZdozit]

Love the Stockeale Paradox method. Totally get that having the mindset of knowing we can achieve the outcomes we desire but having the discipline to face the daily challenges and constraints.

So I may have goofed big time. WAW and I exchanged a few emails regarding some items she left at the marital home. During the exchange she made mention of how I’m incapable of change again...and I bit. I said I prey for her everyday and that I believed she was in a fog. A similar fog that I was in prior to BD. A fog where you only think about yourself and not account for how it impacts anyone else.

So I essentially made my claim that WAW is in a MLC. No reply or communication since.

I believe this may have set me back in a way....but it’s also a 180 since I stood firm in my beliefs. (I would do anything to keep the peace prior due to NGS). I know every interaction is an opportunity to display my changes, and believe this was one where I refused to be disrespected.

Anyone have any thoughts?

[Davide]

Hey EZ

You are mind reading there. Maybe she is in a fog, maybe not, but you certainly don't know, and speculating like that just pushes her further away. Think about what she said to you about being incapable of change - it offended you because you don't think it is true. Isn't she likely to react the same way?

I get what you are saying about conflict avoidance, I certainly struggled with that myself. But at this point I don't see the point in responding. She is trying to provoke a reaction from you and you give it to her, fanning the flames of the conflict. DB principles are all about taking the air out of the conflict by refusing to engage in it, by validating even if you don't agree with the sentiment. Let her rage and act crazy and say whatever crazy things she wants to. You are the lighthouse. I think i would have just let that statement go without any response. It didn't require one.

[EZdozit]

WAW attorney is really starting to try and press my buttons with shenanigans about petty stuff. I have to keep in mind that WAW is agreeing to this so her actions are ultimately on her.

Had a school event today for days and S, wife was there and waited in school parking lot until I left. I can’t even look her in the face I’m so disgusted by her action. I guess the feeling of truly letting her go has finally hit me. When I have to see her I feel nothing...when I think of her I can see only the ugly, selfish, narcissistic person she has become since BD....and then when I see my S and his demeanor since BD, my resentment starts to boil up.

I said I had absolute love for W when this initially started, but I don’t know if I’m at my breaking point. I always felt my forbearance was strong enough that my ability to forgive but not forget could carry this situation out.

WAW lack of respect, vindictive actions, downright hatred towards me has believing she is just an evil person. I know MLC will do any and everything to get what they want, but I won’t accept this behavior.

I fear my timeframe for being open to any future R is coming to a close. Ready to start my next chapter in life and find someone that truly can appreciate the man I am and continue to be.

[EZdozit]

So did some GAL activities this weekend. Met a couple of new friends recently that have gone through D, we all met up for burgers and took our kids to a ballgame Friday night. Was great to connect with guys that have gone thru this struggle and see them come out on the other side much happier in their reality.

Saturday spent all day grooming dog and then steam cleaned carpets. Took S to movie and pizza.

Today church and then taking S to find his “awesome Halloween costume” and gym.

WAW continues to try to gain access into house thru various methods or petty reasons. Latest was her claims that yard needed to be cleaned up more and would need access to garage code, etc. I maintained that was a boundary I would not concede. Learned from neighbors she regularly seeks them out to discuss my whereabouts etc.

WAW attorney said she would be coming to home Sat. at 2. I said I wouldn’t grant access then notated the constant attempts to come over and stalking with neighbors. She has accessed house without my consent in the past and took important documents and various items. May need to consider TRO if it continues.

A month ago I would have journaled as to the what and why my wife was acting like this. Now I just don’t give a $h1T. I gotta live my life the way I want to and ensure S and I will be awesome.

[EZdozit]

Would love to hear anyone’s feedback or thoughts.

Am I losing out on opportunities to try and reestablish a connection with WAW by continuing denying her access into my house? It’s a boundary that I’ve frimly placed especially after I found out she had accessed the house without my consent previously.

I’ve put my own walls up pretty high as I haven’t been able to trust anything she says for months.

It just grates at me to no avail that she just did this to S and I with no warning. Sure...I’ve outlined my culpability in getting to this place...but 6 months later and she still doesn’t acknowledge her actions or choices and puts 100% blame on me.

[SteveLW]

Am I losing out on opportunities to try and reestablish a connection with WAW by continuing denying her access into my house?

So do you think you are losing out on opportunities to try and reestablish a connection with her?

You are contradicting yourself.

Am I losing out on opportunities to try and reestablish a connection with WAW by continuing denying her access into my house?

Then:

but 6 months later and she still doesn’t acknowledge her actions or choices and puts 100% blame on me.

So? Does someone that doesn't acknowledge her actions or choices and puts 100% blame on you HAVE A CHANCE IN A HOT PLACE of reconnecting with you by having access to your house?

[ovrrnbw]

EZ,

why did you establish this boundary in the first place? Now, do a pros and cons list of letting the boundary go and post it here.

I think you know the best thing already. It's ok to want to reestablish that connection, but I don't know if letting her come and go from the marital home as she pleases is the thing to do.

[EZdozit]

Thanks for feedback and slap of reality Steve and Ovrnn,

I established the boundary because she got into the house when I was gone and took some critical documents such as taxes, titles, along with other items. She still denies it.

The Pros of letting this go..
1. I would have opportunities to interact more with WAW


The Cons
1. I would have more opportunities for WAW to continue disrespecting my boundaries
2. WAW emotional state is questionable. I fear she would try to get into she said/he said spat to try and make a play at full custody of S.
3. I would have more opportunities to interact with WAW.

I’ll hold my ground.

[harvey]

How can one still have Hope....but without the expectations?

I think you and I are in similar spots mentally. See my "Why Have Hope" thread. For me I have decided to not have hope. Don't get me wrong, I still pray that my W will come out of the fog, but I have started to think about it as I'm already divorced. Chances of R are probably similar to the odds that two people remarry (10%). I have to detach when the probability that we won't reconcile is 90%. I've found it helps with my confronting my W's dominant mare attributes. I'm starting to get back to my alpha male attributes before we were married. I'm cordial, validating, but I'm also fighting for things I believe in (in a respectful way).

Basically, I'm doing what I need to do to take care of myself and my girls. The rest is "Thy will be done."

[harvey]

Reading further, it looks like you've come a ways since the post I quoted. Good for you.