I met my wife in 10/13 years ago at work. She was married at the time and ended up in my town since that was where her military husband ended up. At the time I was really into another girl and had just gone through a huge transformation. I had lost about 70 pounds and was a much happier and ambitious person. I worked at my uncle's restaurant while pursuing my accounting degree. I would go through my ups and downs regardless of the other positive factors in my life since the girl I like didn't like me back. Her husband was verbally abusive to her and she had no real support system in her life since her family lived in another state.
Little by little, we became closer all through the next summer we were texting and I always knew something funny was happening in her life since we would text sometimes until late hours. Close to 100% of the time she always contacted me 1st. She made her feelings pretty obvious and during the summer constantly wanted to hang out. I avoided her since she was married but 07/15 it happened we hooked up.
This girl was literally asking for it and I finally caved in. Soon after her husband found out, she moved out and her 1st night alone I stayed with her. Her husband had a made a key to the apartment, came over, and I finally confronted him. I told him he had every right to hate me, I wasn't trying to be his kid's dad, and that his wife would always initiate everything but finally I had fallen for her too. He a military man put a whoppin on me a 150 pound long distant runner(I admit I deserved this and I am not complaining or mad at him). I didn't press charges, but finally, we could be together. The truth is though I at the time didn't like her as much as she liked me. I kinda felt trapped and obligated to stay. For the longest time, I lowkey acted like a jerk and was truly dismissive towards her and I definitely had the "power" in the relationship. As time went by I enjoyed her company, the sex, and being with a pretty girl. I grew closer to her and her son, my family welcomed them with open arms, but I would always slip into my old ways and be rude and arrogant towards her. I was moved from the restaurant she worked at to another one and for the longest time, I blamed our relationship for that.
However, I still though showed her a good time and took her to basketball games, baseball games, and great dates. I still lived with my parents and they were co-owners in one of the family restaurants and there was money for activities We moved in together 03/17 and for three months since I was finishing school she paid all the bills. I graduated from college in 05/17 but I kept working at the restaurant, I did find a job related to my degree in 09/17. We got married in 08/17 and the truth is I pressured her into marriage by this time the power shift had been going on for a minute and I was starting to be more into her. I must admit that I didn't change much though I thought since we were married everything was going to be for ever. I still acted immaturely, teased my step-son, made little jokes here and there about her, and kept talking about what future careers I would pressure but had no real game plan.
Slowly and slowly I didn't realize I was turning her off. She cosigned for a car with me on 09/17 and I decided I couldn't afford it and gave to my parents. She wanted to move into a house but due to me wanting to attend graduate school and then get a better position and a bigger city didn't want to. I kept wanting to sex and thought as a married couple I was entitled to it. In 03/18 she told me she was no longer into me that she was planning in the future to move back home. I didn't take her serious, we still had good times here and there so I didn't do much changing(none actually). It wasn't until 08/18 that I realized she really was going to leave soon. I made the mistake of begging, reasoning, and pleading. I finally started to read on the topic and picked up 7 steps DB and other books.
Two weeks ago I told her in order to make the situation better I would move out of the room. We have been sleeping in separate rooms, I've tried to give her space and I'm trying to implement the last restore technique. I started the phone coaching with DB last Thursday and all I can do now is try to talk with actions rather than words. It's hard not to feel down or want to try and be with her but I have realized that has done more damage than I ever thought.
She is a special girl who I think saw in my a different man. She didn't have a dad and was one of six children from three separate man. Her 1st husband was verbally abusive to her and was texting/talking to other girls after she had their son. She saw in me a genuine guy and I violated her trust and let her down just like the other man in her life.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-64, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are the proverbial Other Man. You'll find no sympathy from me. You helped engineer the breakup of one family, and the mourn when it happens to you. I don't see where you helped your W recover and improve.
Verbal abuse in a relationship, like anything else, is not good. If you aren't going to help. you should promptly piss off. It sounds like you became what you were so against. You have a slough of issues of your own, and that, along with everything else, is the irony in your situation.
The OM is not solely to blame, I know. But the OM is always an enabler. That is why I am indifferent to you. You'll be able to read here and potentially improve your sitch. Takes guts to post here when you are the OM. So many here are dealing with the pain of the OM or OW.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm going to add to my post here, a little Oktoberfest goes a long way. Sorry for my tone.
I don't like that you were the OM. Plain and simple. That said, you got married, things went south, and now you're here. I'm sorry for that. Have you read many other threads? There's good advice all around, and sometimes looking at other situations help us in our own situations.
Why are you caught up with the verbal abuse thing? And what are the things that you did that have contributed to your wife wanting out of the marriage? How did you "pressure" your wife into marriage?
It sounds like you need to 180 on the pressure, 180 on the passive aggressive remarks towards her and your stepson., and 180 on being the rude and snobbish guy. What other areas would be a positive change for your life?
Earning her trust back will take time and action. Don't think you're going to talk your way out of this. The small, consistent changes is what Michele talks about making the biggest difference. Commit to some of these and make yourself a better man. Read the links. Read the book. Ask questions here.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
To ovrnnbw. I am currently rereading the book for the 2nd time.
By verbal abuse, I mean I use to make slight cracks at her constantly. I use to grab her tummy and say things like "You didn't have this when we 1st met" I also use to say things like "You were the one who was interested in me 1st and if I would have just left you alone I still be happy and not having to worry about this whole mess" I also use to tease her about her mom constantly. Since her mom had three separate baby daddy, I use to say "I know not to leave my dad around your mom"
Little by little I dug myself in a whole and since I thought I wasn't cheating on her or physically abusive that we were fine. I had no idea how much damage I was doing. I also became very needy and always wanted to be touchy with her and I didn't understand that even though we were married that didn't mean I had the right to be like that.
The good news is, you are very young, so you have a long time to benefit from any personal growth.
The bad news is, you have a h3ll of a lot of growing to do before you are decent partner material.
I strongly encourage you to leave your wife alone, get an individual counselor, and throw all your energy into self improvement. Don't tie this to your wife's behavior or whether she notices what you are doing. You need to make these changes whether or not she wants to work on the marriage. And frankly, you're not ready to be a good partner, so take advantage of the time to work on you.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
You are the proverbial Other Man. You'll find no sympathy from me. You helped engineer the breakup of one family, and the mourn when it happens to you. I don't see where you helped your W recover and improve.
Verbal abuse in a relationship, like anything else, is not good. If you aren't going to help. you should promptly piss off. It sounds like you became what you were so against. You have a slough of issues of your own, and that, along with everything else, is the irony in your situation.
The OM is not solely to blame, I know. But the OM is always an enabler. That is why I am indifferent to you. You'll be able to read here and potentially improve your sitch. Takes guts to post here when you are the OM. So many here are dealing with the pain of the OM or OW.
This sums up my feelings as well. Hard to ask for sympathy in this situation.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
You are the proverbial Other Man. You'll find no sympathy from me. You helped engineer the breakup of one family, and the mourn when it happens to you. I don't see where you helped your W recover and improve.
Verbal abuse in a relationship, like anything else, is not good. If you aren't going to help. you should promptly piss off. It sounds like you became what you were so against. You have a slough of issues of your own, and that, along with everything else, is the irony in your situation.
The OM is not solely to blame, I know. But the OM is always an enabler. That is why I am indifferent to you. You'll be able to read here and potentially improve your sitch. Takes guts to post here when you are the OM. So many here are dealing with the pain of the OM or OW.
THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Look all OM fall for the "my husband is so terrible" line. Everyone of us that has been cheated on have been called verbally abusive. Some even have been wrongfully accused of being physically abusive. I've yet to find a W that is on the prowl that says "I love my husband. He is wonderful. I just want to bang other dudes." They always make their LBHs out to be the scum of the earth. It is called "rewriting history" and many an OM has fallen for it. And decided to "rescue" her.
Now the shoe is on the other foot. You are being describe as the scum of the earth. Likely this is a cycle she will continue until she gets the IC help she needs to have a healthy, long term relationship.
I am not trying to be hard on you, but show you that a) you bought her sob story b) fell victim to her just like her first husband c) brace yourself because likely there is no saving this. (Go read OrangeK's threads for a WW that sounds very similar to your sitch.)
P,S, Moving out of the MBR is the last thing you should do. Strength and resolve is what breeds attraction. Not weakness and capitulation. Good luck.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ok, so you were another man. An Affair partner. You did wrong. You need to admit it was wrong.
How old are you? Some timelines aren't adding up here. What have you had demonstrated as a healthy relationship?
Because your wife is married to you, in no way shape or form are you entitled to sex, whether you treat her good or bad. And it's pretty clear you treated her pretty badly. You view of marriage is very immature. And I can tell you, if a guy grabbed the flab on my stomach and made a passive aggressive comment towards me, the LAST thing I would want to do is be intimate with him!
You have tons of learning of to do on how you treat women and become a respectful loving partner.
If you don't save this marriage, you need to completely save yourself if you want a future healthy relationship.
I think that the folks above are being a little hard on you. It is certainly hard for LBSs to understand the thoughts and motivations of someone we classify as "the other man". I think coming here, telling your story, and seeking help, is a show of growth and we should be willing to support everyone walking in our shoes. That said, I think you have an incredibly uphill battle to restore your relationship, because it was never built on a solid foundation. I always equate the relationship between a wayward spouse and their affair partner as being built on a foundation of sand - it isnt stable and takes a lot of work to actually build correctly. Once the allure and promise of the new relationship, the secrecy, and the excitement of a new person wears off, what is left?
Originally Posted by lgdiaz
Little by little, we became closer all through the next summer we were texting and I always knew something funny was happening in her life since we would text sometimes until late hours. Close to 100% of the time she always contacted me 1st. She made her feelings pretty obvious and during the summer constantly wanted to hang out. I avoided her since she was married but 07/15 it happened we hooked up.
This girl was literally asking for it and I finally caved in.
Here, you seem to take no responsibility for your own actions. What were/are your boundaries? What values do you have? What is important to you?
Originally Posted by lgdiaz
For the longest time, I lowkey acted like a jerk and was truly dismissive towards her and I definitely had the "power" in the relationship. As time went by I enjoyed her company, the sex, and being with a pretty girl. I grew closer to her and her son, my family welcomed them with open arms, but I would always slip into my old ways and be rude and arrogant towards her. I was moved from the restaurant she worked at to another one and for the longest time, I blamed our relationship for that.
So what is different now? What are you doing to better yourself and your attitude?
Originally Posted by lgdiaz
I must admit that I didn't change much though I thought since we were married everything was going to be for ever. I still acted immaturely, teased my step-son, made little jokes here and there about her, and kept talking about what future careers I would pressure but had no real game plan.
So what is your game plan now? You still need to get your life in order with or without her.
Originally Posted by lgdiaz
Two weeks ago I told her in order to make the situation better I would move out of the room. We have been sleeping in separate rooms, I've tried to give her space and I'm trying to implement the last restore technique. I started the phone coaching with DB last Thursday and all I can do now is try to talk with actions rather than words. It's hard not to feel down or want to try and be with her but I have realized that has done more damage than I ever thought.
OK. So what actions are you taking now?
Like I said, you have a long road ahead of you. Its time to grow up and become a man that only a fool would leave. How are you setting goals and working to be that man?
