paul, please do not confuse detachment with "going dark". It is a common mistake. And there is nothing wrong with alone time! That is what GAL is all about.
You see, LBSs often fall into this trap of "I was an absent spouse prior to BD, so I can't GAL and detach". This is patently untrue.
First, there is a difference between being absent and GAL/detachment. When you are absent you are emotionally unavailable even when you are there physically. GAL and Detachment means that when you are around physically you are present, upbeat, pleased etc.
Second, after BD the last thing the WAS wants is to be smothered! This is the mistake that almost all LBSs make. "I was absent before BD, it hurt my spouse. WHen they dropped the bomb I realized I had to be around 24/7!" But here is the problem, after BD the last thing the WAS wants is to be around you! That i what giving them time and space is about.
Make sure you understand GAL and detachment and 180ing. Don't get tripped up by misunderstanding what they realy are.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve for the pep talk. Just having am off day today. Feeling stuck. I am at a point where I am wanted and accepted around the house but still feeling emotionally cut off. I know it would be a mistake to push my W at this point. At the same time feeling angry about the EA. Worried that it might continue. This makes me want to pack up and leave and shur myself off. I realize doing this is not GAL it is back sliding into all the things that pushed my wife to want a D. Just gonna have to slog through the day here and hopefully I can get back on track.
Detachment is the path to be steady and strong and independent no matter how she treats you
How to re center your life from w at the center to you at the center
You will find peace there
And ultimately this is more attractive to women
The strong and steady and independent man
Who can handle anything that is thrown his way
If you start acting this way
W may notice and ask how you are
Just say fine
How are you
Very common when you stop being weak and attached
She will think something is up
Maybe she is getting dumped
And maybe you are moving on
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
After some thought about how I was feeling I think I have reached a plateau where I have finally completely detached myself emotionally from my W. This is not to say that I don't want to save my marriage but I think I have complete acceptance of the possibility of her leaving for good and I am honestly ok with that fact. I could easily pack my things at this point and leave without feeling like a failure or walking around feeling like I have been punched in the gut. We are slowly reconciling but she is still skeptical of my change and she told me last night she has a fear of us fully resuming our relationship and then me falling back into old patterns. Keeping in mind my goal is to still save my marriage I am not sure exactly what to do with this feeling I am having. I am not sure at this point what to do to perhaps bring her closer to me. I could just carry on like I have been and see where it goes or perhaps it's time for me to pull back a bit to see what happens. I have some thinking to do for sure on what the best choice is right now.
Hang in there buddy. From reading the thread, it seems your W is getting a little woozy and confused by your actions. Which means you're on the right track. Keep her guessing. The guessing leads to curiousity. And curiousity leads to reaching back.
GL!
M (LBS): 41, W (WAS) : 40 M: 16Y, T: 22Y Kids: 11, 9, 9 A: since 2015 DB: since July 2017
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Had a rough go yesterday, woke up feeling off, backslid a bit, wife sensed it, she was irritated with me. The entire day turned into her trying to fight with me because I couldn't commit to taking our son to hockey every week. She was hard on me it was like the old days, but I did my best not to be dragged into it. When she was leaving for work I cornered her and asked her what the issue is today and she was angry and told me I was never going to change and I just listened then let her go. She got home about 11:30 and had calmed right down. We watched some TV then went to bed. I was getting ready to go this morning and she said something to me and I couldn't believe my ears I thought I misheard her so I said "pardon" and she said "I am sorry I was so hard on you yesterday" it blew me away. First time I have gotten an apology from her in 8 years. I simply said "it's OK thank you for the apology though". Such a small thing but so meaningful to me to hear an apology from someone who has never been capable of it. It shows shes thinking about her own behavior.
So what did you do differently to illicit this response? Also do you think the asking her what her issue was showed weakness or strength?
Remember, actions, not words. Don't ask her what her issue is, SHOW her you aren't willing to take her abuse.
I did Steve in the afternoon I told her she was way out of line. She reacted. I left the room. I think it was a big step for me not to get dragged into a fight because I was itching to give her both barrels trust me this used to be my normal reaction. I was happy with the outcome her apology was big for me it's not something I have seen from her over our marriage, it shows she's willing todo the right thing when she over reacts.
Wheels on the bus go round and round...yeah. Working on it, working on it. Touching base folks things are going...OK. Wish I had more energy right now to slobber out the last couple weeks of the roller coaster but I have disconnected to the point that it doesn't matter much anymore. Sex has been good. Some affection. Sleeping in the same bed for the first time in 5 years. Financial situation is as bad as it's been in 30 years for me. But neglect of my business to save my marriage has been a factor. So yeah, keep plugging ahead. Hang in there folks.
