Glad I didn't post last night because it was all, poor me, I'm a victim, blah blah. Re-reading NMMNG and trying to put more of those ideas into action. It's amazing how much I've lived my life for others. Internally, I really don't like myself a whole lot. Therefore, I didn't have any self-respect, didn't take care of myself, didn't do things for me, tried to live my life for/through others. W said various things since BD that indicated that she was tired of taking care of me, tired of not being able to trust that when she needed me I wouldn't be able to be there. Depression was a cause and an effect of that.
OK, fine, I'm seeing it. Still can't go back in time and change it. But I can change it now. Will she notice or care? Who knows. It's for me now.
Today: get up, try again. Detach. Take my power back.
My mood doesn't depend on whether or not she hasn't talked to me for days. Or whether we haven't had a real conversation for weeks. Or whether we haven't lived together or been intimate for months.
I'm saying all this to encourage myself. This is for me, I guess. Time and space, for me.
GAL this week: lecture tonight, "sip and paint" on Thursday, game night on Friday (thanks to Meetup). Wednesday is moving day. Hopefully seeing the nephews and niece over the weekend. Etc.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
GAL this week: lecture tonight, "sip and paint" on Thursday, game night on Friday (thanks to Meetup). Wednesday is moving day. Hopefully seeing the nephews and niece over the weekend. Etc.
Awesome - set a goal that you will send one "friend request" or something to that effect for each event you go to. That way, at least, you are putting yourself 'out there'.
Text from WW: "Going to my parents' for the weekend. Would that be a good time for you to get your stuff from the house? And if you have a list I can start packing things for you."
Ignoring it for now. But I can see how she is trying to put me into the role of depending on her and her decisions. So, I'm not sure how to extricate myself from this.
Nice thing is, I don't have to respond right away, so I get to think about it and decide.
Maybe just ignore her and go to the house this weekend anyway, without telling her what my plan is?
Edit: she said "get some things that you need," not "get all of your stuff." So she expects me to take this and that. I could possibly get some boxes and take EVERYTHING that I want. Like, hundreds of books, tools, paintings my grandmother did, etc. The house would be half empty when she got home. And I'd have my stuff so the new apartment won't be so empty.
Edit 2: why does she keep bugging me about this? Seems like another temp check.
Last edited by burned; 10/02/1801:17 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Moved out in June for a "trial separation" a.k.a. she went back to OM without me meddling.
Hindsight: she asked to move out, should have just let her. I was hoping that maybe if I rented month-to-month she might eventually miss me and ask me to come home.
Nope. Not once in 3 months have I even gotten the sense that she missed me, at all.
Now I'm settling in a new permanent apartment and she is so very, very done. So I have to move my stuff out. Hurts like a mother.
Last edited by burned; 10/02/1801:56 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
W said various things since BD that indicated that she was tired of taking care of me, tired of not being able to trust that when she needed me I wouldn't be able to be there. Depression was a cause and an effect of that.
FWIW, my WW said some very similar things: "I didn't feel like i could count on you for anything"... "Felt like i was doing everything for us"... "Never felt like you were there for me"...
And, she was right. Long before she "checked out" into waywardness, I myself had checked out, largely due to inability to deal with my own personal misfortunes and shortcomings. Don't know that i ever lapsed into what would be called clinical "depression" but I imagine there were times i was pretty close.
At any rate, this also seems to be a somewhat common construct amongst WWs-- neglect by the H to some degree. Not that that excuses the waywardness and cheating, mind you, but we need to be able to own and "Clean up" our own sides of the street if we are to grow into the people we can be.
I will tell you this, too... not necessarily a warning, but perhaps a "heads up": It is my sense from my own sitch that continuing one's growth as an individual is somewhat more difficult when you reconcile with your formerly estranged spouse than it is if you just cut all ties to the past. Mind you, i wouldn't have it any other way or be any other place relationship-wise than i am now, but... there is always that past, there, and always those old patterns hanging over you. It makes it a little bit harder to keep growing yourself, at least in my opinion.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I'm glad I have this opportunity for growth, I THINK. Depends on the day. I can certainly say that the time between BD1 and BD2 was the sweet spot during which I SHOULD have worked on growth and instead worked on trying to convince W not to leave so that THEN I could work on growth, WITH her by my side.
Stupid.
So, one of my areas of growth will be to stop punishing myself for past failures.
Would love to be able to grow WITH W but that option is off the table indefinitely. I do recall her saying several times, "change takes time," meaning what, meaning that she was leaving some little opening in case I did change in ways that she would find appealing? Who knows.
It's kind of a darker day today. Trying to stay positive, trying to focus on what I can control. Trying to remind myself that she did a terrible thing to me. But I miss her and I hate the idea of life without her. Sure I'll be fine, but it's not my current ideal.
Edit: today I feel like she doesn't even want me as a plan B.
Last edited by burned; 10/02/1803:03 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Text from WW: "Going to my parents' for the weekend. Would that be a good time for you to get your stuff from the house? And if you have a list I can start packing things for you."
Ignoring it for now. But I can see how she is trying to put me into the role of depending on her and her decisions. So, I'm not sure how to extricate myself from this.
Nice thing is, I don't have to respond right away, so I get to think about it and decide.
Maybe just ignore her and go to the house this weekend anyway, without telling her what my plan is?
I mean, the coat thing was a week ago already and you said you were going to put together a list of what you want. So it seems like you are kind of dragging things out, no?
"I should have some time this weekend to stop by. I was planning to take AAA/BBB/CCC. Let me know if there is anything that you would like to discuss further."
I mean, she has been hanging on to your stuff both yours individually and yours as a couple for several months. So to just walk in unannounced and take things feels....retaliatory. The things in your space are still marital assets - you wouldnt want her coming in and doing the same. I imagine she doesnt want you in the house to begin with so if theres a list, she can put the things on the porch instead of having you come snooping while she isnt around.
