Burned: "Rather than take a few things I need, I'm going to take everything that belongs to me. We can discuss how to divide what belonged to us." Burned: "I'll also give you a list of the utilities/services that you have to put under your name and checking account." W: "OK, thanks." W: "Can I keep the desk for now?" Burned: "yes" W: "Does that mean you'll be taking all of the furniture we got from your parents? I will need to clear some things out." Burned: "I haven't decided yet." W: "OK. Let me know." W: "So this weekend works?" Burned: "Probably. I'll let you know once I figure out my plans." W: "OK, thanks."
Feeling sick to my stomach. Scared, hurt. BE STRONG, BURNED. This is reality, denying it doesn't change it.
And I know it doesn't matter, but in the name of learning/growth, I'd like to understand how this would make her respect me. Just that I'm standing up for myself and biting the bullet. Being a leader rather than a follower. But I don't think it will make her worry at all. But I had to do it anyway. Wonder if I'll get a temp check after this. I doubt it. I'm acting as if I don't care either way.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
It sounds like you and her need to decide what furniture / shared items will be staying in the house. That is a conversation/negotiation that you need to have rather than just showing up and taking whatever you feel like. If you want her to respect her, be assertive. Make a list of everything that you would like to take from the house - don't worry about how she will react, just put down everything you want to take with you in the new apartment. Send her the list and tell her these are the things you would like to take. She can review the list and you can negotiate if need be, but you need to take the 1st step, and be clear about what you want.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Be strong burned. Make an agreement with her on the things you want and what she can have and stick to your guns. Don't hand her your nut$ on a silver platter, show her you are a man and she doesn't own you.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I hear ya man. We are all in the same boat. Control yourself, and demand respect.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Sorry Burned. Truly sorry your going through this pain. Im in the same boat, and it is truly soul crushing.
Unfortunately, we dont have a say so in it. Stay strong, keep bettering yourself, and when you need to let it all out. Sorry i dont have anything better to say.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Like Twofeet said, I think it's reasonable to put a negotiation together. My understanding is that regardless of who brought what into the marriage, once it's jointly used, it kind of becomes "marital property". So I would think you would want to try to assign values to some of the "bigger" items and work it out fairly between you. You may want to get a recommendation from a lawyer. In fact, it could even be a good collaborative experience and a way for you to portray your strength and leadership. Im not saying you need an even value split - but you should be able to come to some agreement about what is "fair".
Originally Posted by burned
Just can't understand how someone can just stop loving someone, just like that.
Why do you think it was "just like that"? I assume it was a multiple year process where you or both of you stopped putting the work into your relationship. If you dont feed something....it dies.
After reading some of the posts of others, I see what you meant by "standing up for yourself".
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She sends a once-a-week temp check, "Hey, hope you're OK" or something like that.
This is the WW's way of keeping the LBH emotionally attached. I realize it may make no sense to your logical mind, but it happens in most of the cases with WW's.
I will also tell you that WW's will play the victim. Even if they have to stretch the truth, they will turn and twist it to make it sound as if they "had" to leave the M, or that they have it so hard during/after the fallout of their M. They can have a pity party anytime.....anywhere.
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I can certainly say that the time between BD1 and BD2 was the sweet spot during which I SHOULD have worked on growth and instead worked on trying to convince W not to leave so that THEN I could work on growth, WITH her by my side.
How do you see yourself "convincing her not to leave"? IDK, maybe this is just a point of argument, I don't mean for it to be. IMHO, I think there are some NG's who make a mistake by trying to convince their WW to stay. If it involves pleading, bargaining, guilting, or any type of emotional pressure from the H, it seems to me that the WW could not help but see him in an unflattering light. You see, a WW feels trapped in her unhappy MR. She wants freedom. So, she's going to balk at any type of pressure that indicates she has to stay in that M. By this point, she is in open rebellion, so it's really hard for the H to say something that would convince her to stay in the MR. I suppose some people would argue that you have to fight for your M, and they see that as part of it. I only know that pleading words from the H, seldom influences her decision to stay. (And from the stories we read, the WW already has OM by the time she drops the bomb). However, the H's actions during that time, and during the following time apart......can influence her decision to reconcile. In many cases, it takes WW having to experience the down side of separation, before her head clears. But anyway, don't beat yourself up b/c you didn't "convince" her to stay.
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Would love to be able to grow WITH W but that option is off the table indefinitely. I do recall her saying several times, "change takes time," meaning what, meaning that she was leaving some little opening in case I did change in ways that she would find appealing? Who knows.
I would guess she meant that change in personal habits or behavior take time to permanently set. Some LBH's will throw themselves into a hundred 180's to show their W how they've changed. However, she is leery that those "changes" will stick. We've seen reconciled cases return to the board and the LBH would admit every time that he did not keep up the improvements. Why? B/c he was only doing them as a means to convince his W that things would be better if she gave it another chance. In cases that have WW's, I think it might be easier when the H has alone time to grow. B/c when he is living in that environment of the protesting WW, he is too distracted by her moods, words, behavior, personal interaction, etc. I hope you can take advantage of living single, now, and doing all the things you might not be able to do if you had to consider the other spouse. Plus, really get serious about that NGS and what to do about it.
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And I know it doesn't matter, but in the name of learning/growth, I'd like to understand how this would make her respect me. Just that I'm standing up for myself and biting the bullet. Being a leader rather than a follower. But I don't think it will make her worry at all. But I had to do it anyway. Wonder if I'll get a temp check after this. I doubt it. I'm acting as if I don't care either way.
How do you mean it wouldn't make her worry? Worry about what?
As for the rest of that quote, I can assure you that standing up for yourself, taking care of your own needs, dropping the emotional rope you have tied to her, having leadership skills, etc...…..are qualities that women admire in men. Anything that represents clinginess (leaving your belongings in her house, for example) is unattractive to a woman.....especially a WW. The WW respects one thing, and one thing only......strength. She wants a man who is stronger than she is. That means he can operate independently from her. He doesn't "need" her in order to grow and go forward with his life. It's her loss if she choses to give him up. It just puts him back on the market for some good woman to have.
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Just can't understand how someone can just stop loving someone, just like that. Baffles me.
A wayward mindset does not develop overnight. It can happen fast, alright, but I think it seems short to you based on when she let you know how she felt. I don't believe love stops "just like that", without some terrible incident preceding it. What you may not understand is that this is not the girl you fell in love with and married. It's going to take time for her to go through the process of facing the outcome of what she's done, and feeling remorseful, etc. It will probably take quite a while before she's at that point of wanting to reconcile, but you never know. The two of you may get back together, or you may have moved on and don't want her by then. Life has a funny way of surprising us.
Currently, you are grieving over the loss of your W. It's natural to feel sad. At some point, I think you will feel anger. That's natural, too. Here's the thing...….you are valuable. You cannot base your value on her. I'm so glad to hear that you are reading NMMNG. Stick with it. I have seen NG's get their b@lls back. You can too!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
