I hope you realize how strong you are for dealing with this situation the way you are. Many people would break into pieces. You, my friend, are still fighting.
Let's use that strength to get you healing and back on your feet.
Here is what you need to do:
I - Detach. She needs to own and work on her $hit. Your W's actions are not yours to deal with. That is her battle she needs to figure it out for herself. You have your hands full as it is.
II - Work on what you can control...YOURSELF. You and your child's well-being depends on you being the best and strongest. You have control of that. Embrace it and strengthen the crap out of it. The term GAL is used constantly. Get A Life. Go out. Have fun with your friends. Pray. Take up a hobby. Spend quality time and make awesome memories with your child. Join a support group. Keep your mind positively occupied
III - Seek help Find a good IC to talk to about your issues with your situation. Venting to an IC helps with the pain, even it it's temporary. You will get good advice and guidelines that will serve you well as you embark on this journey. Journaling here is a good way to let out some steam.
IV - Keep your hopes up It will get better. You WILL be a better man, father, friend, son, and Husband coming out of this (whether it's with your current partner or someone else).
I and II are the most important. I hope that you are already doing those steps in one form or another.
I would also work on III as quickly as you can. The faster you can start the healing process, the sooner you can move forward.
We're here for you.
Pain,
I sincerely appreciate your comments. As you can probably gather from my OP, I have never been a person that believed I needed to go see an IC. I was too prideful to think that it was ME who needed any help from a "stranger." Boy was I mistaken. I got an appointment right away the morning after the BD. It helped so much just to be able to do as you say, vent. Felt remarkably better afterwards even though I didn't really get any guidance that early in the process other than to not rush things or make any rash decisions this early due to the high emotions. I've now been to my IC twice and have another appointment for Monday. My IC is really focused on the traumas she's experienced as a child and then the effects it had on her after she read into it all earlier this year.
#II, I feel like I have a handle on. I've started working out, trying to be involved as much with the kids' routines, etc. Helping as much as absolutely possible around the house and with the kids. Haven't really done much GAL but I'm working on it. I'm doing "my own thing" as much as I can.
#I, is where I'm having a lot of struggles. Trying like heck to detach as much as possible not only because I know I need to for myself, but also W told me she just needs space and time to think about everything and to decide what to do. Like I said before, she told me on Sunday that she's leaning towards calling it quits, but yesterday told me, again, that she wants to see her IC one more time and run everything past her. That's been her "mantra" since this whole thing started. She won't open up as to the 'why' with me. Her appointment is tomorrow. Her IC is a lot harder to get into and schedule appts with then mine. She's only seen her's once and that was 2 days after the BD and then scheduled this appt for tomorrow which makes them exactly 2 weeks apart. Wish she could have gotten in sooner but I can't control any of that.
I've been praying like crazy.....and I guess I'm at a point now that I realize whatever happens will be according to His will. I read the book Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge over the weekend and she's been reading it now and said she wants to finish it before her IC session. It was a pretty good book, IMO. Talks about marriage from a biblical sense and also the differences between the male and female perspectives in marriage.
I've been sharing with her how my IC sessions go and she shared with me how her 1 went with her IC. I'm going to try my absolute hardest not to ask her how it went after tomorrow and let her come to me and discuss it if she wants.
Our S birthday is coming up, so we are planning on going to an event to celebrate his b-day with another couple and their S this weekend. Its a 3.5 hr drive away so we will be staying overnight either tomorrow night or Saturday. I'm curious to see how that goes since we are all going as a "family."
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Part of me feels sorry for her as a victim of her circumstances and also sorry that I wasn't there for her in the right way.
This woman has cheated on you with (at least) THREE different men. She has LIED to you over and over again. She is a LYING CHEATER. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but you need a good cold slap to the face of what you are up against. She may have been a victim of abuse in her past but that in NO WAY excuses her current behavior. And no, she is not a lying cheater because you weren't there for her "in the right way". You have the worst kind of wayward on your hands and appeasing her is only going to send her further down the rabbit hole. Your best chance of success is to take a "tough love" approach and take it right away. Ironically the smartest thing you've done in all of this is to tell her to pack up and get out, but unfortunately you didn't stick to your guns. That would have gone a long ways towards waking her up to the fact that her behavior is WRONG and will not be tolerated by you.
So, I'm reading the DR book. In this book it seems to me that MWD is speaking to both parties of the marriage and in the beginning sort of suggests that both parties read the book. Should I suggest that my W read it after I'm done? I think Part 1 that talked about D and how most people don't find the comfort or happiness they think they are going to find after a D would maybe shed some light on the negative aspects of going through with a D for my W.
Still have no clue what her thoughts are. Her IC told her that "its OK to continue honoring the space between us and working on ourselves" so she hasn't opened up at all about her feelings to me. We have a joint session with, her, both of our IC and I on Monday and she keeps telling me that the purpose of this session is so that she feels comfortable talking about her feelings, etc. So essentially I'm going in blind, which I guess is what is giving me so much anxiety. On the flip side, I've told my IC and have prepared myself to listen and not share anything unless I'm specifically asked. I plan on validating the whole freaking time. I've said my piece to her so this is her time to open up. I'm going to validate everything she says.
Not sure why she's so hesitant to open up to me. The walls she has put up are freaking tall. I have been calm and cool when I've tried discussing the R topic with her and I've told her multiple times that I understand that they are her feelings and there is no such thing as right or wrong 'feelings'. I've also explained that I am at a point now where I realize that it's more important to understand than be understood which I think is something I have lacked throughout our marriage. Both of us have but I'm not about to open that can of worms. I'm comfortable taking the blame on the communication issues if that means we can at least start the process of trying to make this work in a healthy way for the first time in our M.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
One, you shouldn't be trying to discuss the R with her. That is pressure and pursuit, so 180 on that.
Second, do not share the book with her. Yes Chapter 1 is written mainly about how terrible D is and that it should be avoided. Guess what, she won't be open to that. No WAS is. They have pink flamigos and elephants dance before their eyes when they think of D. Chapter 1 of DR isn't going to make that vanish.
Third, I like your approach for the joint session. Always be DBing, even in there. Listen, emphasis, validate. Own your own garbage, but do not own hers (that is what validation is for, it isn't agreeing or disagreeing, just understanding).
Fourth, in the vein of owning your own garbage but not hers, don't take all of the blame for the communication issues. Accept 1/2 the blame. "I realize I played a large part in our communication issues." Not "I realize I was solely to blame for our communication issues." But yes, listen and validate when she discusses the issues. Remember, validation is not agreeing or disagreeing. "I understand how you'd feel like that." "It must be awful to feel that way." "I hadn't looked at it like that before."
Validation works. I've used it at work. At home. At church. Even here!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
First, no way shape or from do you show her the DB book. The analogy is that is like showing the other teams the playbook.
Second, you are trying to use logic and reason to understand an emotional human being. You may want to read "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus" to help you understand the differences in which men and women think.
Third, in no manner should you be bringing up relationship talks. That is a big no no here that will make her feel pressured and will make her want to flee even faster.
Last, for all the things she has done to you and you are desperately trying to get her back is going to communicate to her that you have a low value of yourself. Not saying you have to file for D and close the book on her forever, but she needs to earn another chance with you. Know what I mean? She has to choose you and do the work. That's the only way it will work long-term.
Yes, I've been 'that guy' these past 2.5 weeks even though I know I shouldn't be approaching her with my feelings, etc. After 2.5 weeks of it and not getting anywhere, I've decided to go the opposite route and not mention a thing. You know, the same thing you all have been telling me for 2 weeks!
I still communicate with her about every day things, kids, etc. but under no circumstances will I be going back to her to talk about our R or the M. I've had to stop myself a couple times these past couple days. I'm just trying to bide my time until Monday when we have the joint session. I am praying very hard that it goes well and that somehow the fog she's in will be lifted or at least she will give me some sort of sign that she's decided to try to work this out even if it's small.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Good lesson learned. The worst thing you can do right now is vomit your feelings all over her.
Also, you should start to prepare yourself that this likely not going to play itself out for many months most likely years. Life as you knew it is never going to be the same. That's a good thing though because how you were living caused her to have multiple indiscretions.
It's often said around here that in the early going you cannot make things better but you can certainly make them worse.
Print off Sandy's rules and go over them everyday.
I have a question on how to handle this IF it comes to it.
After the incident 3 weeks ago I said we are done and need to get a divorce. We started outlining how it would look re: finances, child custody, etc. Living in a small town and both working together in the same business, the only realistic job she can get is an hour away in a larger city. She's been applying for jobs and had a couple interviews. Was offered a job that was quite a bit less pay than she will need to make it financially work.
Obviously in the meantime, I've expressed that now that I've calmed down after the initial emotional and high anxiety reaction that I believe we can work through this with help from IC, MC, etc. She has been essentially unresponsive of her feelings and emotions thus far (as I've posted above) except a week and half ago when she admitted that she still was leaning towards ending things.
I'm TRYING not to focus on her continued efforts to get a new job as a sign that this is over but it's very hard. Of course if she told me she thought if she had a new job and wasn't around me 24/7, like most married couples, would help us work through our troubles and help us head toward R I would be much more in favor of it. I'm trying not to view it as one more step that she's taking towards the inevitable D but doubt creeps in constantly.
As I've thought more about a potential D since our initial talk and how things would work (Finances, kids, etc.) it dawned on me that I will be responsible for the majority of the kids everyday lives every day of the week. If she gets a job an hour away, that means she has to leave an hour early for the commute and won't get home for an extra hour after the commute. Originally we agreed to share custody 50/50 and basically alternate 2 days with her, 2 days with me, then Fri-Sun with her and vice a versa after that. But now when I think about that arrangement, that means on the days they are with her, she will probably have to drop them off with me before she leaves and then I'll take them to school and I will pick them up from school and have them until she gets home from work. Seems like a lot of shuffling around and while I'm happy to take care of my kids, I also feel like I'm making it more 'convenient' for her to just jump ship if she thinks I'm ok with that.
I would obviously love to have full custody but she would absolutely lose her mind at the thought of that. She has always been a mother first and a wife second. Our kids are her #1 priority no matter what. It's good in a sense but I also think that is one of the pitfalls on why we are where we are now. We never made time for our marriage or for each other.
So my question is, if she ends up sticking to her guns and not wanting to try to work this out, do I let her know that I think the arrangement we sort of pre-agreed to is garbage because of all of the shuffling it is going to do to the kids? Me essentially having them full time except for the hour before they go to bed and a little bit of time in the morning before she has to travel to work in my mind means I should have full custody. My thoughts are obviously 2 fold - #1 being obviously the kids and their well being of not having to constantly be shuffled from one household to the other EVERY day of the week but also, #2 maybe if she realizes the effect this will have on the kids and the fact that due to her past actions I've got a pretty good chance at getting full custody, if it comes down to a fight, maybe that will be enough to open her eyes and think twice about being full steam ahead for a D. I don't want her to come back just for the kids. That sounds miserable for everyone, but if that's enough to give her a nudge in the right direction, I think we can get the help we honestly need to make our relationship grow and end up being better by working with IC, MC and doing a retrouvaille sort of workshop on proper and healthy communications in a marriage.
Am I on to something or on something :-)?!
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Do not bring it up now she will see it as manipulation on your part. (which it is). That can be discussed if you decide to D and begin to negotiate.
Absolutely, you can get the help you need! The problem is she has to want to get help. Give her the time and space to make a choice to stay in the marriage.
Again you are using logic and reason with an emotional human being. As we talk about here all the time, your W is like a caged animal who has been locked up for 12 years. Do you use logic and reason with a caged animal? No, you open the cage door and set it free. Some end up liking roaming free in the wilderness and some end up coming back home. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the cage door.
You see if you never open the cage door the animal will always feel unsettled.
