I have been following this forums for some months now and it has gotten to a point where I am willing to listen to any and all advice that can same my M.
Just for a little background My W and I have been together almost 12 years, 7 of which as H and W. We were originally high school sweethearts that found each other 6 years later and got together. During those 6 years she was in an abusive R and never really resolved the issues stemming from that time. Last year we moved across the country and everything seemed fine, we were both excited about our new surroundings even if they were far away from our family and old friends. About a year or so again she starting having issues with Anxiety and Depression and told me that feelings/thoughts from her past were coming up. She started seeing a therapist and was put on medication. A few months later is when the real cracks started to appear. I heard things such as: " I am not happy" "I do not know who I am". " I need to find myself". She started reading a lot of feminist literature about strong women that do not need men.
Shortly before Christmas 2017, I heard " I do not love you the way you love me". I asked her if she was leaving me and there was a long pause. but eventually she said no, " I just need space". Naturally not knowing what to do I proceeded to do a lot of the wrong things that we all do when not knowing any better. Fast forward to March 2018 and the bomb was dropped... ILYBINILWY. I was weak and did the begging and crying thing and promised that I would give her "space", without really knowing what that meant. I tired all sorts of things to change my situation eventually picking up a copy of DB. I was able to correct a lot of things, but did not have the ability to maintain those changes. Frustration set in and in times of weakness I put pressure on her, but asking too many questions, doing nice things and telling how much I love her all the time.
This brings me to ~5 weeks ago. It was a normal day, we hugged and kissed goodbye in the morning and both said I love you. We exchanged texts which also included I love you. Little did I know, while I was at work that day she was moving all of her personal belongings out of the house. She asked when I was coming home so I told her at around 5pm, walked right into the ambush. The marriage was over, she was moving out and had already consulted an attorney. (But she said she hopes we can still be friends)
From having read the DB book and some of the forums here, I knew not to plead or fight for the marriage even though I really wanted to. I did make a small remark about realizing certain things too late and that change was afoot, but I knew she was not listening. We talked about the next steps (legal proceedings) and that was about it.
Since then I have been in No Contact or LRT, she has asked via text of course how I am and some recent medical procedures and even told me that she still really does care about me. Knowing better I did not respond to those texts. We do have a dog that we have kind of been trading off every 2-3 weeks so I only respond to logistical matters related to the dog but nothing else. During that time I have been working on GAL and starting multiple hobbies and joining some clubs. I was doing my best to take advantage of the gift of time.
Last night was the first time in ~5 weeks that we have seen each other face to face when she came to pick up the dog. She looked exhausted. She started some small talk about work and she burst into tears about the stress at her job and then our situation. She said that we were simply not right for each other and that she never wanted to hurt me. She said she really wanted to believe in our story, but it was not as how it was in her head. She made it sound like we were never good together and that she was bascially lying to her self and to me all of these year. (I have all of the love letters she wrote me for the last 12 years and I know this not to be the case....). Being human, I reached out to her and hugged her and let her cry for 20min. I was as stoic as possible, project all the strength that I could muster not to loose my self. I showed empathy for the way she felt, but I also bit my tongue and did not argue any or her points regardless of how "false" I thought them to be. I knew better, those things are "true" because she believes them to be.
As she was leaving she said that her lawyer will be contacting me soon to start the proceedings... Is this the end? Is there anything else to do. It seems like the only thing left is to truly let go, detach and GAL that will never have her in it again. Do I stall on the D, or try to get it over with as fast a possible? I have not given up hope, yet naturally it feels hopeless.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-64, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hero, you seem like you are in good shape moving forward. You are well prepared and studied for what you need to do next. Any specific questions?
My general advice is to continue to detach. GAL like a mad man! Oh, and GAL like a madman. Did I say to GAL like a madman?
Seriously, you need to stay busy. Keep your mind off it. Give her time and space to think about whether this is what she really wants.
One last thing, we often talk about the monkey not jumping from one branch until they've identified another branch that will support them. Are you sure there isn't an OM?
Hang in there and keep posting!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re writting history is a classic. I did that myself...Then you have to believe nothing that they say and half that they do...She wants D so she must do the job, just do not interfere. Detach and keep GAL like Steve says.
Stay strong!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
sorry about your sitch. It sounds like you know what to do to get started here. One thing I noticed that doesn't make sense is why would her lawyer contact you first? Don't they file and serve first? Maybe your W just said that the wrong way.
The antidepressants thing is something I learned about from Steve's sitch. They may or may not play a factor here. I'd be worried about an OM too just given how long you've been at this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you for your responses, I was beginning to worry that my lone post was going to go unanswered.
As I mentioned in my post above, we have been sharing the dog with each of us getting her every few weeks. Do you feel this is detrimental to my sitch? That has been the only contact I have really engaged in with my W and the majority of which has been text messages. I would rather not give up the dog completely just to go silent, is that wrong?
As far as if there is a OM...honestly I don't know. I am suspicious/jealous by nature (which could have been a contributor to the state of the R). I point blanked asked my W on 3 separate occasions including the day she moved out and she said know. I know what you said above about trust nothing she says, but why would she lie walking out the door with D on her mind? I will say that if you were look at the usual behaviors of a cheating S, my W does check a few of the boxes.
I thought about going the PI route or following her, but in end what does it matter if there is a OM present or not. At this point I am already heartbroken and while it may sound like I am burying my head in the sand, I did not see any personal benefit with finding out as it would not help me in anyway. I chose not to care...for now. As far as DB is concerned, I believe that steps I am taking are the same whether there is an OM or not, correct?
I am doing my best to detach, but as most of you already know, easier said than done. I have bad days and I have good days. It seems that as long as I am busy, I am fine. The hardest part of each day is at bed time where I cannot turn my brain off and falling asleep is impossible.
I also want to add, that reading these forums really helps me when I am in a funk. I am very thankful for everyone the posts/replies here.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I know what you said above about trust nothing she says, but why would she lie walking out the door with D on her mind?
You know the answer to this. To make herself look and feel better.
Quote
I will say that if you were look at the usual behaviors of a cheating S, my W does check a few of the boxes.
Which boxes?
I think hiring a PI to tail her would probably not be worth it, unless you live in a state where an affair gets you a more favorable ruling in divorce court. So check the laws, consult a lawyer.
Worrying about her and what she is doing is not the best for you. If you find out there's an affair happening, then you do your best to not rub your own nose in it. You do that to keep yourself sane, to keep your focus on making yourself a better person.
And you're right - keeping your mind busy, whatever that means to you, is the way to detachment. GAL (Get A Life). It is everything. It will make you feel better. If your mind is wandering at night, then go to the gym, burn off some energy so that you hit the bed and go to sleep. I've been there and done that with the sleepless night and it doesn't happen anymore. I'm not a GAL pro but I find enough things to do to stay occupied and forgot about the stuff I can't control. I'm glad you're enjoying the forums.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
@Ready2Change Thank you for the links, some I had seen others I have not. I always appreciate reading what Sandi has to say. Sandi if you are lurking and want to comment on my sitch, please feel free.
@ovrrnbw.
Well If I google "signs wife is having affair" and compare them to my wife, I get the following:
emotionally distant change in appearance lack of interest in sex spending time with new friends spending more time at work spending more time on cell phone/computer Changing or placing passwords on devices
However all of this can be explained away for other reasons such as we are new to our city/state (new friends), she just got a new job where the work is ramping up (more time at work), she was diagnosed with depression and taking medication etc (emotionally distant/lack of interest in sex).
There was a point last fall where she thought I was reading her emails ( I was not), but it was then that she started password protecting her devices. While I did not snoop on her emails, I did have a good idea of what she was looking at online at it was mostly related to fitness and diet (nothing new), she also spend a lot of time on social media talking to friends and collecting quotes about life and changes as well as shopping on Amazon. Her change in appearance was not to a sexier/sluttier version just a change in style which included coloring her hair wild colors. Does this mean that there was/ is an A? Maybe, but it could also be a MLC coupled with depression or worst case a combo of all three.
I want to believe that I am dealing with a MLC based on what I have read here and in the books, she just seems to be questioning everything. Her life's choices, who she is, what she wants etc. After spending a lifetime as a pleaser and probably a co-dependent person, I feel that she is struggling with her identity. She had a real hard time with her 35th birthday and getting older.
Like I mentioned in my previous post, I chose not to care what the root cause was as I did not think it mattered to me and my job to GAL. If I understand the wise Sandi correctly, I just have to let things run its course and wait and see what shows up on the other side.
