So it has been a few days and I think I am calm about the documents I recieved. I reached out to my W to start discussing a settlement, hopefully without the need to get attorneys involved. I am waiting on her response. I have not yet retained an attorney.
I cannot help but feel like it is giving up or conceding defeat. I have read here and in other places that this is only a piece of paper in the long run and that you can still have hope, but I have to admit that I feel like this really is it... I am just stunned at the speed with which everything is moving. The ambush when she moved out and then less than 7 weeks later I get papers. Why the rush?
I continue to work on detaching and GAL, but I can feel this voice screaming inside of me to "do something". It is my blind faith in BD that is currently stopping me from doing or saying anything to try to stop the D. I do love her and her happiness does mean a lot to me, is letting go the only thing I can offer her?
I know I have changed in the past few months and learned much about myself and my failings. I am determined to learn from them to be the best version of myself moving forward, I just wish she would see it/notice it to. Are the 180s that I am doing not effective, should I be doing something different?
It is my blind faith in BD that is currently stopping me from doing or saying anything to try to stop the D. I do love her and her happiness does mean a lot to me, is letting go the only thing I can offer her?
What would you say to "stop the divorce"? Do you think there is something that would turn it around for her, if she only heard those words? I'm genuinely curious, b/c you are the expert on your relationship.
You should do what works. So if what you're doing doesn't work, stop doing that. MWD has a section in the book on this, where you wait and see what happens. Not everything happens right away either.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
When you put it that way, no, there is nothing I could say that would stop the divorce.
Honestly, I do not know how to read her anymore. I sometimes wonder if she wants to me "chase" her. Is the test to see how bad do I want to be with her?
It is just that when she moved out and announced the D, I did a 180 by not putting up a fight. I did not beg, plead or cry. I never asked her to perhaps just take some time to think and talk about it again before pulling the trigger. I did not tell her that this is not what I want and that I want to work on the R / M nor did I ask for another chance for us to work on things.
The only thing I did mention at the time was that it was unfortunate because I had been doing a lot of learning about myself and at the point in time I was in a relatively good place and told her that I had put undue pressure on her for the past few months and that I had finally figured out why and was correcting it. She even admitted that she noticed it in the days prior to her leaving.
She had just done an all day work related charity event a few weeks prior to moving out and she asked that day why I did not ask her about it when she got back. I responded with "why did you not invite me or include me in the donation process?" as other spouses or family members went/donated. I reminded her that I was envious of the event and told her previously that I wish I would also participate and even in the days leading up to it showed tons of interest is what she was doing by asking questions about it and showing her the website with photos from previous years. I told her that I was just waiting for her to bring it up and show the me photos. She had no answer... I think I mentioned this earlier in the thread, but she left that day telling me that she was going to think about what I said and I could see her questioning her self whether she was doing the "right" thing.
There was never a follow up discussion...obviously she thought about it and is moving forward with the D.
I have only had one other face to face interaction with her and between the last thing she said to me the day she moved out and the way she acted the last time we met, I would swear that we still have a chance because I could see she loves me the way she looked at me and the way we held each other.
I have been doing the LRT for almost 2 months now and it has been at least 4 weeks since a "temp. check". The only texts I receive are about the dog and when would I like dog to come over. Does this mean it is not working? Obviously, if there is an OM that could be a reason, but I have no evidence there is one. Since our contact is so limited, how do I know when things are working or not? I do not wish to prematurely stop LRT as it has only been 2 months, but how long after should I start to notice if it is working?
So you are questioning DB? And the alternative I assume is pressure and pursuit?
Go look up a poster named Nutcrac and his threads for what happens when someone decides DBing isn't working and that his WAS wants him to "chase" IE pressure and pursuit.
I can tell you his ending, he ended up having a finalized D within a few weeks of deciding to go that route.
DBing always works. Does it always result in saving a marriage? No. But it works in making you ready to move forward no mater what the outcome is. Pressure and pursuit will accelerate your sitch. And it will all but guarantee the WAS sees the D through to the end.
The fact is, your W might have D'd you by that point even if you turned into Brad Pitt and Adonis rolled into one. You could do everything perfectly (and it sounds like you've come pretty close to that since you didn't do the begging, crying. pleading routine most of us do!), and still end up D'd. The reason D is still sometimes the outcome no matter what is because you can't control the WAS. They still get to make a choice for themselves.
So I am not sure what your proposing here. Obviously, you can do whatever you want. You can keep DBing like a madman, or you can throw caution to the wind and pursue and pressure. Or you can say, forget it I give up and move the D forward yourself. All of that is within your control. It is just that the middle choice leaves you most vulnerable to disappointment with the proper coping mechanisms for what comes next.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I do not wish to prematurely stop LRT as it has only been 2 months, but how long after should I start to notice if it is working?
Also you are asking us to give you an expectation. DBing, GAL. 180s. Detachment. Going Dark. LRT. ALl of these are to be done WITH ZERO EXPECTATIONS.
It could take another minute......or it might never get her to come back. But the fact that you are having your picnic by yourself, but looking over your shoulder trying to see if she is noticing, coming, joinging, etc...... that will set you up for failure every time.
Do LRT for you. Because it is better than texting her every day and getting ignored. Or getting her angry. Or making her feel like she needs to run the other direction as fast as she can.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the feedback and support, I was having a moment of weakness. I was alone with my thoughts too long and did not do a good job of distracting myself with doing something....
Of course I knew what you were going to say, but I guess I just needed to see it. I will consider the responses from yesterday my first 2x4.
It is just hard as I have no network of people to talk to where I live since I am relatively new to the area. My closest friend lives across an ocean and the difference in time makes it hard to communicate. Even if I meet someone tomorrow it is not like I can go straight to a discussion about my Homelife and pending D. I am seeing a IC and that helps a little bit, but I have never felt more alone in my entire life.
It is just hard as I have no network of people to talk to where I live since I am relatively new to the area. My closest friend lives across an ocean and the difference in time makes it hard to communicate. Even if I meet someone tomorrow it is not like I can go straight to a discussion about my Homelife and pending D. I am seeing a IC and that helps a little bit, but I have never felt more alone in my entire life.
Do you live in the States? MeetUp has been very valuable for me to get out of the house. Met some great people already. Just other nice people that like to do similar things together. Had a 4.5 mile walk with a lunch aftewards today. Nice day. When I'm home and the walls start closing in and the obsessive thoughts of "what is he doing" come on strong, I get busy with a project or go to the gym. ANY distraction helps a lot.
So I reached out to my W the day I was served and it took her 2 days to respond that she wants to check with her Lawyer. Today she finally responds with a text stating that all negotiations will be going through her lawyer since she is not familiar with the law. I responded with a text simply stating that I am not asking her to cut her lawyer out of the loop but that I would simply like the opportunity of discussing a potential settlement with her face to face without getting lawyers involved. No answer...
Maybe this is a ply out of the WAW (WW) playbook, but it is clear that she is avoiding having to have this discussion with me. What is that about? She is the one asking for a D...
I have this suspicion that she (or her lawyer) is trying to work me over even though when she moved out said she did not want anything from me.
She was more or less pleasant last time we saw each other. We even had a tender moment where I held her as she cried on my shoulder, but I feel that she is now avoiding me completely.
I have not shown her anything but a clam demeanor so far. Inside I am all over the place from sad to frustrated to angry. Who is this person that I am dealing with? Is she going to be a Jekyll/Mrs. Hyde moving forward? How can you just move out and shut another person out of your life like that? But then out of the blue text and ask if I would like to have the dog for a few days and pretend like nothing is happening when she drops it off?
