I think I will do what BluWave suggested, make myself a todo list for the evening. Now that I am thinking about it, it might be kind of nice to lay a blanket out in the yard and let the baby crawl around while I decorate a little for Halloween in the front of the house.
I read through the rest of Part 4 of your thread and I did notice something that caught my attention. You mentioned that after the birth of D you were put on some anti-depressants to help with your moods post-birth. And from my understand, you were briefly on them then you stopped. Am I correct?
My questions to you:
- How were you feeling while you were on them? - Did you experience a dip in emotions once you were weaned off them?
The questions above have nothing to do pre-BD. The next thing I will say does have to do post-BD:
I have experienced personally that emotionally-based decisions will cause problems 999 times out of a 1000. I want to commend you on keeping a level head and objectively expressing your feelings logically rather than emotionally. That is pure willpower there and you are demonstrating that admirably.
I know that you are having justified feelings when you are alone, anxiety, depression, crying, etc. which is all understandable. I also see that you have been having these emotions for well over a month now. Normal again. I kept on crying/having anxiety attacks/depression multiple times per day until about two months ago.
Two months ago, my medication was changed from an SSRI to a more potent anti-depression medication/anti-anxiety medication combo. A "just-in-case" prescription of Xanax was also prescribed to me for times in which I cannot take any more of the pain. A combination of the medication, GAL, and DBing has really helped me get my bearings and get me on track to a better me. I still have feelings and cry, but the times that happens are further and further apart.
Have you considered getting back on medication to help?
They put me on an ssri when I was 5 months pregnant just a few days after BD. I was on that but 3 weeks later my husband came back so I never really knew if the medicine helped me or if I just felt better bc H was back. I kind of took myself off it even though I shouldn’t have, but then again when D was 6 weeks, h and I decided to separate and I was a complete wreck again and my doctor put me back on the ssir. But again, h came back so I didn’t feel I really needed it because I felt ok. And I know it’s not good to do that but I don’t have any experience with medication or anything like that. I have a call into my doctor to see what they suggest. I do know I shouldn’t be feeling as awful as I feel everyday.
But I will say tonight I stayed super busy. I got home from work and laid a blanket in the yard for the baby while I did some gardening and then decorated the front of the house with some Halloween decor. I then made myself a nice healthy dinner, fed the baby, bathed her, got her ready for bed and cleaned up. Got my bedroom organized and cleaned and put some new clothes and I feel a lot better about myself tonight than last. Just keeping my mind occupied as much as possible. I know the morning will be a whole new battle so just embracing this feeling for now.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Trying to think of how to handle a few future interactions with H. He will come tonight to see daughter. I plan to leave of course, but I am wondering if I honestly should just make it so we dont even have to see one another. I dont want to be petty, and I dont want to miss a chance at interacting if I should be interacting with him, but part of me just says I should go out the back when he comes in the front and go on with my night.
I dont know that it will do anything besides make him angry, I just have absolutely nothing to say to him right now. I am so hurt, sad, disgusted, trying SO hard just to make it through the day without a panic attack.
Also, we have a family wedding coming up next weekend. I didnt tell H about it and asked if he could watch the baby that night. He said he could. But now I am getting nervous about being asked where he is, and if I should ask him to join me or what. I dont think we are in a position where I should ask him to come. A month ago yes, I would have. But now, after telling him im disgusted by what hes doing and dont want anything to do with him, I cant see just going back on that and asking him to come.
I cant catch a break. His birthday is coming up as well and I dread how to handle that. Im thinking a simple Happy Birthday will be suffice.
He told me today he is going out of town in 2 weeks. He is supposed to have a friends bachelor party that weekend, and last he told me he didnt think he was going to go. Im assuming thats where hes decided to go since its the same dates, but of course im wondering if maybe hes taking a trip with OW or something. I wont ask, but my stomach is definitely only knotting tighter thinking of it all. I wish so badly we could just sit down and talk. Im afraid if I avoid him like I am thinking, it will just push him even further because he will see me as angry. But if I am too pleasant I feel like he will take it like im just going to pretend to be ok with this all, which I dont want to do anymore.
I dont want to be petty, and I dont want to miss a chance at interacting if I should be interacting with him, but part of me just says I should go out the back when he comes in the front and go on with my night.
As little interaction with him as possible is what you should be shooting for. Not sure if the front and back thing is right, but whatever you can do to limit interaction is what you want.
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Also, we have a family wedding coming up next weekend. I didnt tell H about it and asked if he could watch the baby that night. He said he could. But now I am getting nervous about being asked where he is, and if I should ask him to join me or what.
Go without him. When asked he is at home with the baby. Which is 100% true!
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I cant catch a break. His birthday is coming up as well and I dread how to handle that. Im thinking a simple Happy Birthday will be suffice.
Don't even acknowledge it. Happy Birthday is what a W would say to her H. He fired you as his W. If your daughter was older and understood birthdays I would advise you to get him a card from her and have HER give it to him. But she isn't!
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I wish so badly we could just sit down and talk. Im afraid if I avoid him like I am thinking, it will just push him even further because he will see me as angry. But if I am too pleasant I feel like he will take it like im just going to pretend to be ok with this all, which I dont want to do anymore.
What will sitting to talk accomplish? Who cares if he is angry? Whether you've avoided him or been pleasant, it hasn't kept him away from her, has it? At this point you have to let it go. He is either going to decide to be with you....or her. You cannot control that, it is his decision. What you can control is whether or not you will be okay or not whether he chooses you or her! So work on being okay no matter what.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
He told me today he is going out of town in 2 weeks. He is supposed to have a friends bachelor party that weekend, and last he told me he didnt think he was going to go. Im assuming thats where hes decided to go since its the same dates, but of course im wondering if maybe hes taking a trip with OW or something. I wont ask, but my stomach is definitely only knotting tighter thinking of it all. I wish so badly we could just sit down and talk. Im afraid if I avoid him like I am thinking, it will just push him even further because he will see me as angry. But if I am too pleasant I feel like he will take it like im just going to pretend to be ok with this all, which I dont want to do anymore.
Any and all advice/suggestions welcome. Thanks.
Everything Steve said, and I'll add to it. If you're feeling pain thinking about him and the OW, stop thinking about it. Easy, right? No, but that's why we GAL. I noticed last night I was at softball, then hung and talked for another 1.5 hours, and on the way home I realized I hadn't thought about W at all. Great! But it takes us actively deciding to GAL and committing to the activity before we can stop thinking about our sitch or OM/OW.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I just need to get a grip on things today. I am feeling like if I were to talk to him he would say again he will stop seeing her, and of course I want to hear that, but I know it has to be something HE decides, not a lie he is just telling me.
As little interaction as possible. Thats what im aiming for. I need to breathe
Also remember, ACTION not WORDS. When he is coming over right after work, staying until he goes home and just simply doesn't have time for an OW....over a long period of time.....then you will know he ended things with her. Believe NOTHING he says.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
