If there is a better option than going out the back, it would be something to consider. Can someone be there in your place? If not, going out the back isn't a big deal. It won't make or break your sitch.
Also, I read that you aren't afraid to tell your H that you will be seeing an attorney. He is on the other team. Don't give him your playbook. He should only know at the proper time.
What is causing you anxiety today? The fear that you might push your H into a deeper relationship with O/W? The fear of dealing with his anger? The fear of something else?
I realize that DB'ing is hard, but it isn't complicated. I'm curious, do you beat yourself up over things you could have done differently and struggle to move forward? Do you over-analyze things?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Do you wish a cashier happy birthday? Are you rude to random cashiers? Do you avoid random cashiers? Do you ask random cashiers personal questions? When they ask how are you, do you tell them the truth or do do you say "Fine, or good"?
When the exchange happens, think of him as a trusted baby sitter. You are late. Download important baby things then rush out. Looking smoking hot.
When you get home, you are happy from a pleasant evening and are tired and want the sitter to leave.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Steve, Thanks. I will wait to see action for sure.
LITB, I am no longer afraid of his anger. What causes me such anxiety is thinking his relationship with OW is getting deeper with time, and that is enough to literally make me vomit everyday. And it has. I believe he stays with her every night, and it brings me back to when him and I first met and how we were and how we would stay together every night and just watch movies and talk and send fun texts. And I just picture him throughout the day wanting to talk to her, and I just feel like as the wife, I cant compete. He knows me better than anyone in the world. He seems so angry about these positive changes Ive made because it took all this for me to make them, but our life together changed SO much, its almost like I dont even think either of us has any idea what life would be like together right now. Feb 2017 we bought a house. June 2017 we got pregnant. July 2017 he left for a job 4 hours away, September 2017 BD, October 2017, he came back, we were working on things, December 2017, I found out about OW, Feb 2018, our D was born. So before BD we had bought a home and gotten pregnant within 4 months and then all of this happened. It was like we never got to experience that next stage of our lives truly TOGETHER because everything happened.
I will say I regret our decision to purchase the house. He says now it wasnt the house he wanted and he wishes he had spoken up, but I cant help but feel like if we had stayed 1 year longer in the house we were living in, so many things would be different. Everything in the new house feels completely off. He feels negatively about the house and in the old house we just had such great times and memories. Just something I think about.
I do also beat myself up over certain things i wish I had handled differently in our recent interactions. I wish I asked him certain questions after he said certain statements, things like that. I wish I wasnt so concerned ALL the time with DBing the right way and said more. When I said the things I said to him the other day it was the first time I felt like ME in a long time, and I thought I would come on here and get 2x4s for it, and everyone said how I handled it so great. So i think I need to trust myself a little more and have a little more confidence in myself and what I bring to the table. Before DBing and even during DBing, I was being so nice. I was trying to appear nice as if I was detached and what he was doing wasnt affecting me, but that is so far from the case. It was all just eating me up inside, and everyone told me to stop being so nice, but I felt like I needed to be. But What he is doing isnt right. I dont need to keep thinking about how he will react or how he will feel if I say certain things. I am a human being, of course im not ok with what hes doing. And for some reason it was like I was pretending I was. As if I just accept it. Thats how i was making it, and I dont accept it.
Im falling apart at the seams and I am keeping that away from him, And thats how it has to be for now. But I have SUCH a hard time being around him and saying nothing, or just leaving the minute he walks in because I feel like its a failed chance to interact with him. It feels like with time we see less and less of one another. Just a week ago he was coming everyday we would talk, interact, now we have a schedule in place and he comes 4 times a week and I say pretty much nothing to him. I just dont know if me saying the things I said to him the other day are going to make him feel like "well, I might as well keep seeing OW bc W doesnt want me anyways", or if I could be scaring him away, or if it could be making him see he is losing me, or what. Im just an emotional mess honestly but im still breathing. Im still alive. im still getting through my days. I just am missing him every second of the day and I hope that starts to get less and less
Do you wish a cashier happy birthday? Are you rude to random cashiers? Do you avoid random cashiers? Do you ask random cashiers personal questions? When they ask how are you, do you tell them the truth or do do you say "Fine, or good"?
When the exchange happens, think of him as a trusted baby sitter. You are late. Download important baby things then rush out. Looking smoking hot.
When you get home, you are happy from a pleasant evening and are tired and want the sitter to leave.
I do also beat myself up over certain things i wish I had handled differently in our recent interactions. I wish I asked him certain questions after he said certain statements, things like that. I wish I wasnt so concerned ALL the time with DBing the right way and said more.
Why do you feel this way? What do you think it would have accomplished?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well he said to me the other day "What do you want to do W, obviously coparenting isnt working...." and he went on to say if i had acted even half this way before maybe we wouldnt be in this mess" and I wish I had asked him what HE would like to do. Just to see where his head is. Instead I said "I am so disgusted with what youre doing, I wish I could have nothing to do with you."
Im so concerned with how I am going to respond, I dont ever really stop and see what he is saying and ask him anything. Maybe its good I didnt, I dont know. I guess I just wish I knew where his head was and I think sometimes hes trying to tell me, but I just dont even know what to believe.
His words are meaningless? Why? Because he is a LYING, CHEATING LOSER. Maybe he wasn't that before. Maybe he can not be that again. But right now he is a LYING, CHEATING LOSER.
Don't believe anything a LYING, CHEATING LOSER says. Guess what, they always say that. "If you had said this....." "If you had done that....." "If the timing of this and that were different....." They have a million excuses and reasons why it is all your fault that they are a LYING, CHEATING LOSER.
Words = lies. Believe NOTHING he says.
And guess what, when you are questioning what you should be doing it probably means you are DBing. We all think DBing is wrong because it is counter-intuitive. But it becomes more second nature with time and consistency.
Stay consistent. Don't believe what he says. Remember, the man you married is gone. In his place is a LYING, CHEATING LOSER.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I asked you the questions I did, because sometimes I struggle with beating myself up with work(and my sitch shortly after BD). It is/was to my detriment. I see the same thing in you with your sitch. Thing is, we cannot change what has already been done. We can learn from mistakes and do better the next time.
I have the serenity prayer sitting on my desk. It is something my sister gave me early on in my sitch. It has been very helpful to me.
Kech, this is a journey. Life is filled with storms and they do not discriminate. Many times we just have to let go, and let God. Embrace the storm. I know it is difficult to see now, but you will be thankful for the transformation when it is said and done.
Right now, right here, it is about you and your lovely daughter. His cross is not yours to bear. You identify the areas that need improvement, and then make it happen. When you put in the hard work and the commitment you have demonstrated, you will not have any regrets.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
.." and he went on to say if i had acted even half this way before maybe we wouldnt be in this mess"
He is noticing your positive changes but is trying to make the current situation all your fault. My WW said almost the exact same thing. So just make sure the changes are permanent.
I think it would be a good idea to have someone you trust come to the house before he gets there so you can leave prior tohis arrival.
Please stop worrying about OW. I am sure its not the perfect relationship you think it is.
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
