See she doesn't like getting kicked out of the MB but she respects it. Most guys who come here will not remove them from the MB out of fear.
I looked at a house with my Ex. At that point I accepted it was going to happen and since my kids were going to be there 50 percent of the time it was my best interest to make sure it was a suitable safe home. I understand this is very new to you and your emotions are still raw.
I am a big on quotes and live now by the one in my signature and the following:
Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. Lao Tzu
F***ing nuts these WS. Mine is exactly the same. The tirades she goes on are unbelievable, Monday PM she texted me that she was calling the police and why did I hit her and she was two floors above me and I was right next to my S the whole time. She called me every name in the book...again. I just drew my line and walked away to my room. 30 minutes later she was all smiles jumping in my bed...I'm like WTF. Unfortunately I can't get her to settle so I am in this dysfunctional situation....but def not a M. Kudos to you for staying strong!
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
It sounds like you handled it pretty well. You stood up for yourself and didn't take any of her crap. I think if you can keep it away from court and lawyers you will probably save a ton of cash, but don't do that at the cost of acquiescing to unfair demands on her part. My only question is why did you go out to lunch with her afterwards? That strikes me as NGS.
Maybe with kids it is different, but I wouldn't help her find a house/apartment. She has to take responsibility for her decisions and life.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
My only question is why did you go out to lunch with her afterwards? That strikes me as NGS.
Maybe with kids it is different, but I wouldn't help her find a house/apartment. She has to take responsibility for her decisions and life.
IMO this is all about expectations. It's not NGS if you have zero expectations other than getting lunch and trying to come to some sort of an agreement.
If you are helping her find a house based solely on the welfare of your kids that is not NGS.
NGS is doing something based on the premise that you want something in return.
My only question is why did you go out to lunch with her afterwards? That strikes me as NGS.
Maybe with kids it is different, but I wouldn't help her find a house/apartment. She has to take responsibility for her decisions and life.
IMO this is all about expectations. It's not NGS if you have zero expectations other than getting lunch and trying to come to some sort of an agreement.
If you are helping her find a house based solely on the welfare of your kids that is not NGS.
NGS is doing something based on the premise that you want something in return.
It wasn't NGS, the mediation session went long and we were both hungry. We had some off the books negotiations we needed to work out due to the new plan we came up with in mediation. I treated it like a business lunch when I am negotiating contracts and plans with my customers. Friendly, but not too personal and just sticking to the task at hand. We both left the lunch and the mediation feeling positive about the decision that is until that evening when her switch flipped and she went nuts.
As far as housing goes I won't be an active participant, but if she finds something she likes I can take a look at it for the benefit of the kids. I will let her know my reasons and boundaries so she understands why and what I am willing to do.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Now when I got home after counseling my wife had turned nutjob. She was yelling at me about how I was just going to bend her over and screw her. I am just a taker that all I have ever done is take. She just needs more cash, I need to give her more cash since she going to walk away from all our stuff or the rest lithis wasn't agreed on in mediation so no idea what she is talking about). She says I dont communicate with her and I have had 2 hours to give her an answer about cash (I barely walked in the door still no idea what she is talking about.
By the time you got home, she would have had enough time after the morning meeting to get on the phone with her girlfriends or whoever is whispering in her ear. Especially if any of them are divorced or male bashers, it could get her worked up pretty quickly. Of course, I don't know that this is what happened. She may have not talked to anyone, and had just spent that time rehashing things in her brain. WW's can be greedy. They can be unreasonable. I will tell any LBH to give his WW what he believes is right/fair (if he has that option in the D), but don't give her any more than that...thinking she will be so appreciative that it will sway her opinion of him. It won't, b/c of the terrible negative attitude she has toward him.
I see some (certainly not all) WW's who are not interested in the stuff acquired during the M, and they aren't even interested in keeping the marital home. They just want money. These types are ready to just drop everything and run off with their lover, or move into his house, or they think they'll buy all new stuff for their new life. As you said, "nut job"...….and it probably won't be the last you'll see her displaying this behavior. After the meeting, things were getting more real when she saw that you couldn't be pushed into doing everything right then & there. So, by the time you got home, things were getting a little tense for her. What does she do? She goes into her bullying routine. Screaming/yelling putdowns at the H is a form of bullying to place enough emotional pressure on the H in order to get what she wants.
Weigh the options and do what you believe is best.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh yes, Sandi. I've gotten better at noticing when the "coaches" are talking, it's almost a game now for me. Just a different tone or verbiage, and hopefully others will notice that in their sitch as well. The "coaches" are oh so helpful. Also, the coaches are great at causing emotional swings b/c they are validating bad behaviors. So the WS is admitting they know it was wrong to have an affair one moment, and the next it was none of your business b/c blahblahblah.
And you're absolutely right, when people are dealing with the uncertainty and the fear and pain, they tend to lash out and want to blame others. They want to go back to controlling their sitch and not facing reality. Then, when you remain calm, tell the truth, don't engage them in the tirade, it's back to reality. For now. But if you establish yourself here like you have been, your outcome will be great no matter what.
Really liking how you're handling things TwoFeet.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Now when I got home after counseling my wife had turned nutjob. She was yelling at me about how I was just going to bend her over and screw her. I am just a taker that all I have ever done is take. She just needs more cash, I need to give her more cash since she going to walk away from all our stuff or the rest lithis wasn't agreed on in mediation so no idea what she is talking about). She says I dont communicate with her and I have had 2 hours to give her an answer about cash (I barely walked in the door still no idea what she is talking about.
By the time you got home, she would have had enough time after the morning meeting to get on the phone with her girlfriends or whoever is whispering in her ear. Especially if any of them are divorced or male bashers, it could get her worked up pretty quickly. Of course, I don't know that this is what happened. She may have not talked to anyone, and had just spent that time rehashing things in her brain. WW's can be greedy. They can be unreasonable. I will tell any LBH to give his WW what he believes is right/fair (if he has that option in the D), but don't give her any more than that...thinking she will be so appreciative that it will sway her opinion of him. It won't, b/c of the terrible negative attitude she has toward him.
I see some (certainly not all) WW's who are not interested in the stuff acquired during the M, and they aren't even interested in keeping the marital home. They just want money. These types are ready to just drop everything and run off with their lover, or move into his house, or they think they'll buy all new stuff for their new life. As you said, "nut job"...….and it probably won't be the last you'll see her displaying this behavior. After the meeting, things were getting more real when she saw that you couldn't be pushed into doing everything right then & there. So, by the time you got home, things were getting a little tense for her. What does she do? She goes into her bullying routine. Screaming/yelling putdowns at the H is a form of bullying to place enough emotional pressure on the H in order to get what she wants.
Weigh the options and do what you believe is best.
Thanks for weighing in on my sitch Sandi. There are times when she just flips and I can see it coming as clear as a storm on the horizon. This was not one of those times and it definitely felt like someone was whispering poison in her ear. I really don't know a lot of her new friends and the ones I do know I don't know that well. Her gal pal who moved from her old job, while married and happy is a bit toxic and a big time rumor spreader. She would often discuss this with me in the past and I would always caution her to be careful as I have worked and dealt with some real toxic trash in the past. Heck my wife doesn't even like her that much, but hasn't always been the best at making friends so she is a friend until she can upgrade. Lastly, it could even be the EA, from what I gather he has a sordid past with regards to divorce. Who knows?
What I do know is that some of the things she was saying yesterday literally made no sense. Such as I had 2 hours to give her answers on money. Not even sure what she was talking about and she couldn't explain it. There were other confusing things that were said as well. The other thing that I know is that she wouldn't just go run to the OM and shack up with him. She knows I would drain the bank to come after her and that her parent would flip their sh!t and come after her. She would be 100% cut off from her parents money. I do feel strongly that she is in love with the fantasy of being free of me and her marital life and being in her own place. She wants to dump her past and wants as much cash as she can get to start new. Unfortunately, it sounds like her parents have changed their minds and are willing to give her a sizeable loan to go with her post D cash to get a bigger and better house. I say unfortunately because I think when reality hits and she doesn't figure out how to manage her finances she will make negative choices that will impact the kids to keep her selfishness going. Maybe this will break the fog. Who can say, only time will tell. I just have to live in the present I cannot speculate the future.
One thing I forgot to mention was that during the tirade yesterday she gave me a timeline of Sat to give her answers as far as the mortgage, financing, and info from my tax guy. I told her that I will work on it, however she will need to be patient because I wont have answers until next week. I wouldn't budge and she just threatens me, but they are empty threats. She doesn't really have anything she can do. Go to a lawyer to spend more money and drag it out longer? Sure go ahead I'm not the one itching and scratching to get out of the M.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Oh yes, Sandi. I've gotten better at noticing when the "coaches" are talking, it's almost a game now for me. Just a different tone or verbiage, and hopefully others will notice that in their sitch as well. The "coaches" are oh so helpful. Also, the coaches are great at causing emotional swings b/c they are validating bad behaviors. So the WS is admitting they know it was wrong to have an affair one moment, and the next it was none of your business b/c blahblahblah.
And you're absolutely right, when people are dealing with the uncertainty and the fear and pain, they tend to lash out and want to blame others. They want to go back to controlling their sitch and not facing reality. Then, when you remain calm, tell the truth, don't engage them in the tirade, it's back to reality. For now. But if you establish yourself here like you have been, your outcome will be great no matter what.
Really liking how you're handling things TwoFeet.
Thanks man!
I really feel like this is just a combination of the perfect storm of unhealthy, outside influences such as friends, EA. Some mental problems such as depression, unrealistic expectations in the M. Her grass is always greener syndrome which I have never been able to properly handle in the M. My own fault for not recognizing the seriousness of her issues as well as the problems I would bring to the marriage table.
I will just deal with it. Its only going to make me grow and become stronger.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
As you said, "nut job"...….and it probably won't be the last you'll see her displaying this behavior. After the meeting, things were getting more real when she saw that you couldn't be pushed into doing everything right then & there. So, by the time you got home, things were getting a little tense for her. What does she do? She goes into her bullying routine. Screaming/yelling putdowns at the H is a form of bullying to place enough emotional pressure on the H in order to get what she wants.