Those are things I definitely need to say to him. I fell asleep last night and ended up not responding. Woke up today with extreme anxiety. Just trying to take deep breaths and keep it moving. He will be over tonight and I just wish so bad I could stay home, I’m so exhausted. But I know I shouldn’t be there when he is. Blahhhh
Hang in there kech. I know it is hard. The anxiety over all this is immense, I felt it with my W too. For me I think it stemmed from the powerless, lack of control I had. That is why DBing is so important. Because trying to exert power and control over that which you don't have any will only make it worse, drag it out longer, and ultimately result the thing you are trying to avoid.
kech, I am not going to lie, D might be your ultimate destination. As R2C said, none of us can predict the future. I wish I could assure you that the path you are on will ensure ultimate R. However, chances are against it. However, DBing gives you the best chance. All of us here tried pressure and pursuit, and saw how quickly that pushed our WAS away. We then all tried DBing.......at best with 50/50 chances (based on the anecdotal evidence). But that is still better odds than pressure and pursuit.
So yes, breathe. Surely by now you are feeling better than you did a month ago. If not, then you need to continue your search for the right IC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Can I ask why you say D might be the destination? Not that I disagree, but it is so disheartening to hear. My H seems really confused to me, I dont think he wants a Divorce, but I do think he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
I have been so tempted to text him all morning and just say for him to stay the night tonight with me. trust me. I know this would be the worst idea. I dont know why these awful ideas pop in my head. But reading your last post just really did a number on me. Curious why you say that?
SImple math. Pursuit and pressure result in D 99% of the time.
DBing results in D ~50% of the time.
So at best you have a 50% chance, and maybe less. kech, I know D scares you. I know it disheartens you. But you have to learn to embrace it as a potential outcome. Once you do, then DBing will become a whole lot easier.
Expect the worst. Hope for the best.
Last edited by Steve85; 10/05/1802:26 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Do you think what I am doing is coming off as Pursuit/pressure? If so let me know what actions so I can try to improve.
D doesnt scare me as much as it did previously, but I just really miss my H right now and am so tempted to reach out. So hearing theres not much hope kind of makes me just want to say f it! and reach out.
What I have found, is that people are motivated to change when they are faced with loss. Loss of a relationship. Loss of a job. Loss of a loved one to death. I would be willing to bet that most people on these forums are more motivated to self-improve than any other time in their lives.
So how do you get to the other side? GAL to help you work through the anxiety and reduce the amount of time you dedicate to thinking of your sitch. It will also help you realize that no matter the outcome of your sitch, your life will be kick a$$.
Develop healthy detachment. This will help reduce the emotional impact you are experiencing. This should be applied to all relationships.
Also, please have boundaries. Set them and stick to them. Again, this will help you emotionally and it will help in the respect department.
You have to continue to put in the hard work to get through the healing process. When you get to the other side, then you can decide which direction you want to proceed.
See, your H hasn't faced losing you. There isn't a lot to motivate him to change....and there is no guarantee that he will. Just know that your changes have to be genuine and they have to be for you, because no matter what, you have you.
This is what I see now. You are hanging on so tight trying to stop a freight train (your H's relationship w/OW) that it is hindering the healing. Sadly, you have to get out of the way to allow it to run its course. I have no doubt that it isn't as great as you fear it to be. Eventually that relationship will move from fantasy to reality. That's when the rubber will meet the road. Try not to get hung up on that.
Do what is within your control, Kech.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
This is the most important lesson that you need to get out of this situation, kech.
Kech has control of kech. Not Kech's H. Not his OW. You know that controlling him will not work. But you do know that you can control yourself.
I agree, D is scary. I myself have not fully embraced it yet. I know it's a definite possibility. But I also want to be happy and share my life and love with my partner. I will not be stuck in limbo and accept things "as is" just to keep the peace.
You are a wonderful, strong, smart, caring, beautiful person. And you want what is best. Right now, you want what is best for you and your daughter. It will be H's loss if/when you move on.
Thank you. Youre right. I am holding on SO tightly to that bc it terrifies me. I have no control whatsoever what happens with their relationship and it absolutely kills me every minute of every day. And youre also right that he hasnt faced losing me. I was thinking about that this morning. How he said he wants to come to watch D tonight and tomorrow night. That will put him at our house all weekend. And he knows ill go out and do things, but in this sitch its like I dont know how to make him face losing me. He comes to the house to watch D, so he sees how I am living. He has an inside view into our world still.
Back in June/July, I asked him to leave and I told him I needed time away from him, without him coming to the house or anything. After 2 days he sent me a text saying he couldnt stay away much longer and I asked what he meant and he said he couldnt handle being away from us completely like that. Away from me, the baby, the house, everything, and being away 100%.
So even though I leave when he comes, hes still getting that glimpse into our world, he isnt fully losing anything yet.And I dont really know how to change that in our sitch.
I would be willing to bet that most people on these forums are more motivated to self-improve than any other time in their lives .
I am proof of this. Thanks to these folks I exposed and working on resolving my NGS and my FOO (Family of Origin) issues. That in turn is making me a better person. One who is drawing attraction from many. Not just my W.
Thank you. Youre right. I am holding on SO tightly to that bc it terrifies me. I have no control whatsoever what happens with their relationship and it absolutely kills me every minute of every day. And youre also right that he hasnt faced losing me. I was thinking about that this morning. How he said he wants to come to watch D tonight and tomorrow night. That will put him at our house all weekend. And he knows ill go out and do things, but in this sitch its like I dont know how to make him face losing me. He comes to the house to watch D, so he sees how I am living. He has an inside view into our world still.
Back in June/July, I asked him to leave and I told him I needed time away from him, without him coming to the house or anything. After 2 days he sent me a text saying he couldnt stay away much longer and I asked what he meant and he said he couldnt handle being away from us completely like that. Away from me, the baby, the house, everything, and being away 100%.
So even though I leave when he comes, hes still getting that glimpse into our world, he isnt fully losing anything yet.And I dont really know how to change that in our sitch.
When will you be comfortable meeting him somewhere, exchanging D, and making him take D without being in the house?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
