From the outside looking in, does it seem like I have more power in this than I am aware of?
The power is over yourself! That is where your power is. That is what DBing is all about. Self awareness. Learning that your happiness is your own responsibility. That you have power over no one, but no one BUT YOU has power over you.
So yes......you have immense power. Over kech. Over nothing else.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I get the feeling you are not doing your homework. If you did your homework you would begin to find your footing and feel empowered. What are you reading? Are you keeping a gratitude journal? You are in a spiraled mindset because you are constantly focused on the OW. You can't do anything about that... not a damn thing. Let it go. You need to focus on what you can control - that's you and you interact with your H.
The way you handled yourself at the beginning of your H coming over was a disaster, BUT the way you handled the texts at the end... excellent and on point with validation!
Your H made the comment that if you had been 1/2 this way before he wouldn't have left. NOW, that's not to lay blame at you for his choices. Your take away should be - he is noticing that things could be different. That's a good thing. However, a negative interaction at the house will set you back... way back. Your H will be like, oh, this is just temporary to get me back.
Remember, part of their anger is their confusion that you are suddenly different and why weren't you this way before and this is just temporary... they need to see consistency over time. Of course, he knows your disgusted by his behavior and you have said it out loud.
Now, the hard steps.... if he if indeed coming over to watch D while you have plans make sure you make a simple statement that you appreciate his ability to be available tonight. Keep it positive... upbeat. Smile and look good.
Remember successful DBer's do their homework!!!!
Practice several times today before he comes over the statement of appreciation so that when he arrives it feels natural and you don't let you emotions accuse him of drinking when you said yourself... he clearly was not.
I get your pain.
But, if you want to see your power you are going to have to let some things go....
From the outside looking in, does it seem like I have more power in this than I am aware of?
Absolutely.
It is critical for you to be able to step outside your sitch and look at it from a logical point of view. Like looking into a fishbowl.
Do you want to know my secret? When I help you, I help me. I get to THINK really hard about a sitch in a different fishbowl. My emotions are in check. I get to read all the other responses from people looking into the fishbowl.
Guess what, When I need to look into my own fishbowl, when MY emotions are high, how much easier is it that I can make a logical rather than an emotional decision?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Now, the hard steps.... if he if indeed coming over to watch D while you have plans make sure you make a simple statement that you appreciate his ability to be available tonight. Keep it positive... upbeat. Smile and look good....Practice several times today before he comes over the statement of appreciation so that when he arrives it feels natural
Practice this in front of a mirror. You really have to mean that you appreciate it. FORGIVE EVERYTHING ELSE. This does not mean forget. Body language and facial cues are important as well as maintaining eye contact.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I came home when I saw my H taking care of himself for his own sake. I saw him changing his communication style, to include listening, considering my perspectives, partnering with me on ideas, really SEEING me...now THAT'S attractive. And it doesn't hurt anyone. And it doesn't fertilize doubt. It's positive, lasting and HONORABLE.
What changes do you think H would find attractive??
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
This is all MORE HELPFUL THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE! Thank you, thank you!
Question, KitCat, tonight is actually his night. He asked to also come tomorrow night, when thats not normally his night and I said ok. Next Saturday I have a wedding so I asked if he could come. He said he could, and I guess he had to cancel plans in order to do it or something bc he mentioned that while we were arguing last night.
So tonight when he comes over, just to be clear, youre saying to show appreciation for him coming, even though its his night?
This is very very helpful, even all of you who just explained that I do have power in this, even if just over myself.
When I said "I asked if he could come" in regards to me going to a wedding, I meant to come watch her, not to the wedding with me. Just making that clear. Also, KitCat, you mentioned homework and successful DBers do their homework, what would you suggest? I will read your previous posts as well bc i believe you mentioned homework.
