I said what you suggested R2C. I said I was sorry for accusing him of drinking. He said not to worry about it and then said “you’re not the first to think the worst of me”. And I didn’t say anything. I was going to validate but couldn’t find the words and he started talking about the baby. I said about 4 words and that was it.
Now I’m waiting to get my massage which will be nice. I think I’ll grab some dinner after and maybe a bowl of ice cream like you’ve suggested pain! when I get home I guess I will just say For him to have a good night. He will be back over tomorrow evening and I will leave again.
While at the house as I was leaving he said he wants to take the dog to the vet next weekend. I absolutely have NO expectation of him following through on that but I said “ok” and left. I have such an internal struggle with how I interact with him, bc I really do think he mistakes my kindness for acceptance of what he is doing somehow. But this week was the first time I ever spoke up and said what he’s doing disgusts me. So I hope he doesn’t forget that and just thinks “oh she’s ok now”. Bc I’m not, and I don’t want to be a doormat. I need to pull away. I think it’s time to revisit sandi’s rules.
Hi Kech. I just joined the forum and have read all of your threads. I want to thank you for being so open about your struggles and send you some words of encouragement and support. I feel like you and I are in a similar position although my kids are older and I don’t yet know if there is an OW. I suspect there is someone out there somewhere (EA or PA) occupying his time in some way. He swears up and down that is not the case but he has proven that he is a fantastic liar so I am getting used to the idea so that if/when it is confirmed, it won’t be such a big blow.
I, too, struggle with the idea that I have made things easy for my H. When I allow myself to think of how long he has been lying to my face, I start to get in touch with the anger I have over his selfishishness and cowardly ways and it almost scares me. I want to scream at him and tell him all of my worst thoughts but I have my kids and I owe it to them to try to GAL and move past this in the most dignified way possible so that they can continue to have a good relationship with their father and not feel caught between the two people they love most in the world. Right now it is taking every ounce of determination I have but I have faith that, in time, it will get easier. The one thing I want to say to you is not to get too caught up in your H’s anger. I think his anger is indicative of a conflicted mind and a guilty conscience and has nothing at all to do with you. Who knows what goes through their minds. I saw my H tonight and he seemed like he was doing so well yet two weeks ago he was asking to come home and telling me how sorry and ashamed he was and that he would stay at home all winter if only I would let him come home (not once did i tell him he couldn’t). In hindsight, I should have told him no and that he would need to work towards it by coming to counselling with me or something like that. But... I was just so happy at his sudden change of heart, that i reassured him that we could get through it together and gave him all kinds of positive affirmations that I think just scared him back into his original decision to run away from me. Navigating the crazy is just so difficult... feels like I need to be one step ahead yet I am always one step behind. Really wish I had found this forum earlier but there is no way to go back so I will just do better going forward.
Anyway... I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and sending you all kinds of positive thoughts. I think you are doing really, really well and that you have disrupted your H’s mindset by doing what you have been doing. Good for you!! Keep it up!!! And do not give that OW a second thought. She has nothing on you. The first OW did not either. They are both just a way for him to distract himself from his own conflicted mind and know that while you are getting stronger, his relationship with OW is getting weaker... guaranteed!! The more his mind is occupied with thoughts of you and wondering what you are doing, the less time/space/energy he has in his mind and heart for her. Trust the process. I have no doubt you will be in a much better place six months from now and an even better place six months after that... with or without him. ((((HUGS))))
kech, I have been following along and chimed in but I mostly read along as you have some vets advising you. The responses that you get is amazing, its almost more than anybody else does on the forum right now. Take a moment and see how far you have come already, just from 2 weeks ago. It is hard for us to do that in our own sitches but believe me we can see it from the outside. You are emerging a strong, independent wonderful woman and a great mother. If you keep doing this soon you will outgrow your WH, and as the vets say may be that is when the tide turns. But we all have to put in the hard work, sweat and tears equity before the scales tip on our side. I think it is okay to let the anger out once in a while, it shows him you are human and are not just bottling up emotions that will explode someday. The less we begin to care about them the less this will happen. From my standpoint the next big thing for you to do is work on letting go. And this is possibly the hardest thing we will have to do. I have realized I need to do this for all my Rs in life not just with WH. The threads and advise you get here on detachment, setting them free is amazing. What also helped me is a video - 4 ways to let go, it is by a buddhist monk quite long but the concepts are so simple to understand that you realize it is the way to live. I wanted to share with you what helped me so you find peace, take care and be strong. You are a great example to your baby. (((kech)))
I have been wanting to post so much to you, but I've been incredibly busy moving. I have a lot to say, but I'll start small.
To me, men who cheat on and leave their wife while they are pregnant are disgusting to me. Absolutely despicable. I am sorry, short of addictions and abuse, there is no plausible reason to do something so disgusting to the mother of their child.
I read your posts and you are trying to employ some sort of tactic or pretzel yourself to become exactly what he wants so that he will drop his AP and come home to you. You are only concerned about what response your actions will yield.
Not for nothing, he should be begging his way back in. Begging for forgiveness. And you are so worried about doing right by HIM.
There was a poster here who's H left during pregnancy of their first child for AP. They did end up reconciling and going on to have 2 more kids. I have been friendly with her off this site for years now. She STILL has a hard time with forgiveness of what he did. But I will tell you, he only came home not because of tactics, or anything else. She lived her life for her and her daughter. She made herself the best self she could be. She didn't do it for him though. She did it for her.
You need to just become and act the way you want to be without concern for the results it might produce in him. If he is worthy of you, he will drop OW and work his butt off to be a partner to you and a father to his child.
You need to stop worrying about if what you do or don't do drives him back to OW. If he is worth his weight as a man, he will make the right choice. Right now, you be the best you that you can be for you and your baby. That's it.
Thank you all for your responses. I havent written because I was actually having a great weekend GAL and it felt really nice. Saturday morning I woke up and told myself I was going to have a good day. I went to the mall with D and my sister in law and niece and nephew and we had a great day. My H actually called and texted a few times, something had happened with his dad and he had to go to the hospital so H wanted to tell me about it and let me know he wouldnt make it Saturday night. He texted me all Saturday night with updates on his dad. I was supportive about the entire situation but not as hands on as I normally would have been.
He texted me Sunday morning asking how the baby was and if he could come see her that night. I went on with my morning before responding about an hour later saying that would be fine. I again, spent my day busy, GAL, having lunch with family and hanging out at my brother and sister in laws house. When he came Sunday night I asked about his dads progress, I made sure to look amazing, and said I had to go. I could tell he was annoyed, he would barely look at me in my outfit and I know he was annoyed by what I was wearing. About 5 minutes after I left the house he sent me a text asking "Are we ready to finalize this"...Another hint of his anger. I responded saying "Youre seeing someone else so clearly you are ready. You should do whatever you need to do."
He said back "thats not what I asked. And that goes both ways". meaning he thinks I am seeing someone else. I told him he can think what he wants. He said he feels that I put his feelings and what he wanted on a shelf years ago. I responded "Im sorry you feel that way. Right now you are seeing someone else. I dont know what you want from me. Im coparenting with you. Finalize whatever you want. Ill sign."
he said he never felt good enough. And that that alone will make him fear ever being with anyone seriously. I didnt respond and then he said, "I hope you find the perfect guy and listen to him when he speaks about how he feels, I really do."
Then he started getting angry and said "when another man comes into this house Im done covering the bills"
I didnt respond. When I got home I went directly into my room and didnt go into the living room where he was. He got up and left. He texted me again later last night informing me of $ he wants to give me this week. I didnt respond. We wont see him tonight because it isnt his day.
I also spoke with my doctor and they prescribed me something to help me with the depression I have been dealing with. So hopefully that will be helpful to me. Something I have been telling myself over and over is to really think hard about if I would even want him back if that became an option. It would be very hard to ever trust him again. He would have so much to prove. I understand what he is saying about feeling like he wasnt good enough and me putting his feelings on a shelf. These are all things he said to me at BD, and ALL the things that I have worked on and that he has stated he sees Ive changed, yet he continues to bring up the past like that, when all im responding is that I will sign if he wants to file. Why keep discussing it?
My stance still stands, I love him. I would love to R our M, but I am not doing that while he is seeing someone. And its not at all acceptable that he is! I have a really busy week/weekend ahead so I am hoping that just pushes me through with no backsteps. Feeling ok on this Monday for the first time in a while.
