Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (5)

[SteveLW]

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Read a good quote i related to yesterday.

"My mother died. My spouse cheated, the pain was the same. When she confirmed her infidelity, the person i chose to spend my life with died"

Shes dead. When she swapped her persona when she met om, the woman i knew died. Never to return.

[burned]

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You're right, it doesn't change overnight. It takes months. And here's how you know things have changed, these things will not even be on your radar:

Will she become the pursuer again? Does she wonder about me? Does she miss me?

Those questions simply won't matter to you. Because the idea here isn't to change her attitude, it's to change YOU.

[Ready2Change]

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I do not want any involvement with him while he is seeing someone else. And thats not me saying "its her or me", thats me saying, "This is what youre choosing to do, therefore, you dont get me in any capacity besides coparenting."

[Ready2Change]

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Just as a warning to other LBS's reading this, a few months is a blazing fast turnaround but if you go back and read the first couple of pages, a couple of us did comment that it seemed like Paul's W was not a full-blown WAS yet. So he may have gotten lucky and caught things early enough to turn it around before she went full BD. Timing helps a lot, unfortunately most of us don't have a clue until the hour is late.

[Ready2Change]

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Being calm is good. Allowing WAW to Cake Eat is not. Just make sure that remaining calm doesn't turn into passive aggression. I think one thing that is difficult to grasp in DBing is the Confident Decisive Masculin energy that many LBSs need to re-embrace or embrace for the first time,.... A Confident Decisive man doesn't get upset over little things. He also doesn't allow WAW to walk over him. It is a mindset ... Don't let her take advantage of you.

[Ready2Change]

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Here's what I suggest- first of all he hasn't said anything about recon so don't jump to conclusions. Second, unless he shows that OW is out of the picture don't even entertain ANYTHING with him. Don't sleep with him, don't go out, nothing. You need to take a hardline approach and make it clear to him that A) you don't even know if you want him back anymore and B) he has to do all the work to earn your trust, respect and love all over again.... Have zero expectations. DO NOT be available to him. If he texts be slow to reply. If he wants to talk then fine, talk. But again make it clear you don't know if you are even interested in him anymore. Paradoxically the more you pull away the harder he will pursue. You'll suddenly become "high value"

[Ready2Change]

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...I am more about kids, I am an advocate for kids. Do you know your kids are hurting, and if you think they to young to understand, they know more than you think.


I needed to put my super hero cape on and stop Protecting W. I realized I am responsible for 3 little people I got my head out my a** and focus on my kids. I basically began GAL with kids, W would yell I need them I would just walk away I realized my kids could not be her crutch. .... become there super-dad don't Take that cape off not even when W is around.

Get custody of kids,.Be fair to W 50 and 50 get them in kids therapy ....

Get lots of rest, eat well, laugh more, take care of you because your babies need you more then ever.

So please let W go, and remember God has something else plan for you
And your family. And if W is part of God plan then he will make it work
on his time. Let God guide you. Let go and give him all your trouble and pain.

Stay strong and remember we are humans. It is OK to be sad, it is OK to be mad, it is OK to cry, it is OK to be confused , it is OK to be angry , it is OK to not be OK. We all make mistakes.

[Twofeet]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2810071&page=10

I think it was Steve that said it, "the only reason a spouse wants another place is so they can sleep with someone".

I'm sure that's right a lot of the time. But I think many WAS's just want to be away from the LBS that they blame for all their woes. During my pre-DB snooping I found a note my ex had sent to her best friend telling her that her worst nightmare was thinking that she might some day have a serious health issue and that I would be taking care of her. Me, her husband of 20+ years that loved her unconditionally, it was her WORST NIGHTMARE (her exact words) that she would have to depend on me for care. Wow. I mean that is what we're up against, a WAS that doesn't like us and may even hate us. They find us repulsive, even disgusting. I'm convinced that THAT is why they want out so bad. Sure they have visions of banging a white knight too, but they just really want to get away from us way more than we can understand or imagine.

[Ready2Change]

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..so many LBS's that come here listen to all the advice about detaching, pulling back, giving the WAS time and space and INSTANTLY think that means don't ever answer the phone, don't reply to texts and blow them off at every opportunity. That is NOT what Michele means. She simply means quit pursuing. If SHE calls then answer. If SHE texts then answer. Don't initiate yourself, that's all. Also don't get into long convos, just address the business she's contacting you about and let her go. If you just completely shut down on her then guess what she thinks, you are being a cold, indifferent, uncaring jerk.


KEEP THE WAY HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH. What does that mean? It means don't drag them down the road (pursuit) but it means don't be cold and indifferent either. You can't MAKE her come back to the M, but you can make it EASIER for her to come back. OK?

Just a little more on texting- the idea is to not be immediately available all the time. The point is to make her think you're getting a life. The method is to sometimes reply right away, sometimes later, and sometimes (if it's nothing important) not at all. BUT, here's the thing. If she knows where you are, it doesn't make you mysterious. IE, if she knows you're at piano lessons and texts you and you don't reply she's not going to think "wow, what is he doing, he's so mysterious now!" So it works best when you are off GAL'ing and she doesn't know where you are or what you are doing. Don't just leave, but for example you might say "hey I have plans Thursday night from 8 to 11, do you mind watching the kids?" And then go meet friends or whatever, and if she texts then don't reply right away. See the difference?

Do you know what a "covert contract" is? Google it if you're not familiar with it. It's also discussed at length in No More Mister Nice Guy. It sounds like that's what you had in place. You never asked her what time she was going and she never offered a time (at least not that you mentioned). Here's the deal, an "agreement" is an "offer" and an "acceptance". It would go something like this:

W- Can I go to the gym tonight?
You- I plan on having the kids in bed by 8:30 and was going to head to the gym after that, can you get your workout in before then and be home so that I can go after?
W- Yes that works for me.

That is an offer from you, and an acceptance from her. Now when you have an "agreement" and she doesn't meet the terms, THEN you have a right to be upset or angry. But it doesn't sound like you had an agreement, you just made some ambiguous statements that developed into a covert contract. Be very, very careful of covert contracts, it's a form of control and manipulation. Punishing someone for a covert contract that they know nothing about just causes anger, resentment and confusion.

[Ready2Change]

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Had a great weekend detaching, GAL’ing and self improvement. Man does it feel good to do something for myself. Spent 4 hours Saturday night at the mall shopping. Bought some new outfits, something I have’t done in 8 years. Got some new shoes and today went and got a haircut. I was scared to death but I put my fears to the side and took a leap of faith with a totally different style haircut. I must say I look and feel like a million bucks. I haven’t felt this good and had this much confidence in as long as I can remember. Really working hard on my “No more Mr. Nice Guy”, focused on my physical and mental health and am generally just focused on working on myself and it is paying off big time for me. I am at times a bit sad realizing everything about me that is not so great but at the same time I feel really good because I now recognize all these things am am making huge changes in my life.