Thanks Ready2Change and Steve85 for your feedback.
Steve85, you’re right about needing to stop my fear of D. It shouldn’t change anything, and I realized he is using the threat of it to control me. In fact, he’s been acting like he doesn’t care the last few days but I realized he is doing things to temp check me and ensure he still has control. He had the kids yesterday and knew I was going out. In the afternoon he text me and said he locked his car keys in his truck and needed to get the spare from my house. When he was here I could see him peeking in rooms and checking to see if anything changed or if there were signs of a man or someone coming over later. He even asked me questions about my plans but then acted like he didn’t care. I didn’t try to make him jealous but I told him I was going out with girlfriends, which alleviated his fears.
I realized afterwards that yeah I’m GAL and trying to do a 180, but when he asks I tell him about what I’m doing and I shouldn’t. That should remain unknown to him. And I have been DB’ing with the hopes of him changing. I need to do all this for myself. I’ve made a commitment to myself today that my detaching, 180, and GAL is about me and for me. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or how he reacts.
And you’re right about fear, Steve85. My coach tells me that worrying and fearing about things can make it worse and often even make them come true. Positive mindset moving forward.
Right, does he tell you details of what he's doing? Noooooooo.
MWD talks about "acting as if". She says, and many other do too, that if you act the victim than you will be the victim. So you act from a position of strength, and your values, setting aside your fear or desire to control the situation. It's scary, but liberating, to let go of the string and let other people react as they will without us worrying about the outcome.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It's scary, but liberating, to let go of the string and let other people react as they will without us worrying about the outcome.
Well said. But set that as a goal to work toward, not a change that can happen instantly. It's SUPER difficult. But every time you try and you get a little better at it, you feel that much better.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Thanks ovrrnbw and burned. I worry a lot about how he might react to what I say or what I do. I even did that during our marriage. I walked on eggshells fearing he’d get upset or annoyed and look where that got me. I used to be so confident and he had a huge crush on me for years but I wasn’t interested. I feel like during our marriage he became neglectful and almost emotionally abusive that it whittled away at my confidence and strength. I’m not going to let that happen anymore.
I dropped off the kids on Friday. He asked me how my job search was going. I told him about an upcoming interview. He was supportive (of course he wants me to get a job so he doesn’t have to pay all the bills and probably pay less alimony when he files). He told me he knows it’s hard getting back into the work force and “no matter what, I will support you,” so don’t worry. He’s said this to me before but when he gets frustrated he threatens me financially.
He the. Said “I love you,” which he has not said to me in a long time. The last time he said it to me he also said “but not in that way, as the mother of my kids.” This time he didn’t add that part. I started to get hopeful and then he asked what I was doing this weekend. I said just hanging out with friends. He the. Said “That’s too bad, you could have gone camping with me and the kids.” That made me mad. If he had really wanted me to go he would have asked me in advance. I felt like he only said that because I had plans but he didn’t know what the plans were. If I told him I was just sitting on the couch doing nothing all weekend he probably would not have invited me.
The next morning I left my house and he immediately called me and said he needed to come by for a few camping items. I told him I wouldn’t be home but go ahead. Based on my home alarm app, he never came. He was also on Instagram all morning so i don’t know if they ever really went camping. I’m proud of myself for acting like I didn’t care to go camping with them but I’m bothered he didn’t check in on me last night like he’s been doing in the past. If he went camping of course he wouldn’t but if he didn’t then I feel like he’s starting to not care. But, in the end, if I’m really detatching, I shouldn’t care either.
For those of you DB’ing, how many times did you f’up and regress before you actually started doing it successfully? And when is it too late?
I ask because last night I had a friend visiting from out of town so I had our nanny stay with the kids so I could have dinner with her. His house is on the way back to my house. Yeah, I could have taken the longer route and should have, but I didn’t. I passed by his house in my way home at 10 pm and noticed the lights out and his car wasn’t there. I started to let my mind go crazy with thoughts of where he could be and with who. I got home and sent him a random text message related to an unimportant conversation we had the other day. He replied, but not until midnight. Ugh.
I feel like I try to detatch and after a few days of not hearing from him or getting cold text messages from him I go back to pursuing. Then he’s nice again and I find the confidence to detatch again...until he goes silent or cold again. I worry that he will eventually think “Well, haven’t heard from her so she must be done with me and, thus, I’m done with her.” I know I should not care, but how do you stop these thoughts in your head? And we separated 4.5 months ago and he moved out 2.5 months ago. I stopped the begging and pleading 1.5 months ago. When is it too late?
We all make mistakes. Just learn from them. Then they are not mistakes but learning opportunities.
We had a DBer back in the day that we told so many times not to drive past his old house. Guess what, he new better and drove past one morning anyway, followed OM to parking lot, had an altercation and got a restraining order. It is important to not do what you feel like, but rather think about your choices and make the one that logically makes sense.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yes it doesn’t make sense to drive by. Quite honestly, just because his car isn’t there means nothing. There is Uber, his bike, his motorcycle. I don’t know why I look for it. Then I create the worse case scenario in my head, which does me no good.
It is so hard not thinking about what they are doing and who they're doing it with. I am a bit further on than you in the separation but still a newbie in Db'g sense, but it does get easier. My demons hit me in the middle of the night when I try and reconcile the conflicting things he has said and come out with "He left in a rush because he has a date". This morning he said he was running late to see the girls because he got home from work late - which I read as "I've had someone over and we got up late". Cheeseless tunnels. I try and not let it get to me.
I read on one of Sandi's threads (she was a WW and if you get a chance read her threads) that after she reconciled with her H he told her about all his suspicions. It turns out he was wrong about 80% of the time.
You will never know, and even if you did (I walked into a club and saw my H with someone else a few weeks ago), there is nothing you can do. They will continue doing whatever they want with little or no regard for the damage they are causing. it is all about them. Save yourself the heartache and the tunnels by not looking for evidence.
Hi Cdd. I make a point of avoiding my H's neighbourhood at all costs. It has occurred to me on more than a number of occasions to drive by his place and check up on him (he is only about 7 minutes from our house and 3 minutes from my work) but I know that no good could possibly come of it. I, too, create scenarios in my head despite no evidence of an OW and my H being adamant that he is not looking for anyone. Even this past weekend... when he was at a conference that he has gone to every year for the past six years...I found myself thinking about what he was doing and with whom. It was ridiculous. When I saw him yesterday and asked how it was, he said it was "good" and that he basically hung out with his mentor (an older, married man) and didn't really interact too much with anyone else. Now I know he wouldn't have said anything to me if there had been something untoward going on but he was very matter-of-fact and maintained eye contact with me so I'm reasonably confident he did what he said he did. I know I can never know anything for sure but I choose to believe him in this instance because it is better for me.
The other reason I stay away from his neighbourhood is because that place he lives at reminds me that a big part of his life no longer includes me. There are no memories of us there and there will never be memories of us there. So...I don't need to go there and I certainly don't need to experience those feelings. This situation is hard enough as it is without me doing things purposely that I know will just make me feel bad and cause my mind to create all kinds of unhelpful scenarios. So yes, definitely take the long way if it means you can avoid putting yourself through the mental torture routine.
FS - How do I find Sandi's threads. I would be really interested in reading them.
