Good Morning DB Forum. I have intentionally stayed away from posting this week in an attempt to detach more and not contemplate everything in life and my MR every day. This was a very busy week with GAL, work, kids, etc. So it was good. Nothing has improved, other that I would say my mood and my detachment. I went out with a friend for dinner a few nights ago and it was great. We didn't talk about my sitch, just visited, watched a game and had a little fun. other than that, it was all work, working out and doing my thing. All in all a decent week. For what its worth, I think yesterday was the first time in over a year that I actually felt like my old self. I had great energy and just had an overall great outlook on life. I was out early so I don't think my W had the opportunity to see that, but it really wasn't for her. it was just amazing to feel the way i felt. I know i am bounding back and I will be ok regardless of what happens with my MR.
Small synopsis of what has happened this week that I noticed. W has had a rough week health wise and hasn't gone anywhere. She is short tempered with the kids, and not unpleasant, just tired and seems aggravated easily. She still isn't going anywhere or doing anything. I had a bday a few days ago. Took the kids to dinner. They got me (W did of course) a card each that they signed and they got me a present. Dinner was good. W declined to go (whether this was health, food or just didn't want to do it, I do not know and did not press) I simply invited her, she declined and we all left. Weirdest part of the day was in the evening, we were in bed and we went to turn in. I shut off the lights and said goodnight. In the dark, out of nowhere she said "I hope you and the kids had a good dinner and I hope you had a good birthday". I just said "We did and thank you". I don't know why she said it, why she waited until the last possible moment, or what, but I thought it a little funny. I acknowledged her statement and went to sleep
We have chatted a few more times than usual this week and even talked on the phone instead of texting. I had a few driving times that prevented me from texting so that was the reason, but they were pleasant conversations about the kids/dinner/health/house etc.
The last thing that happened was the hardest for me to control. She came down one evening out of the blue. She had gone up to take a shower. It is getting darker earlier so it was dark outside. She came in the room wearing her short silky robe. She started to tell me about an issue with one of our children that had just happened. She did not sit in her usual spot, but chose to sit directly across from me. It was really tough not to stare at her as I haven't seen her that way in a long time. We talked, I listened, validated gave a little input on our child. She seemed to drag it out a little longer than she should. It was tough, but I controlled myself, my words and my actions.
Outside of that, My A is drawing up the proposal for me. I don't know how I will proceed, but believe that I need to get this done and have a meeting with my W to discuss the terms of our D. I still do not want a D, but see no way that our MR can survive this way and the limbo part is killing me. I am not doing this to shock her back into a new MR, I am doing this for myself and my kids. They don't deserve this and neither do I.
As always, input is GREATLY appreciated. I have worked diligently these past couple of weeks to keep out of any argument or fight and that has worked. I haven't been a doormat but have been polite, cordial and just done my thing. I still miss her dearly every day but I know I cannot allow her to dominate my thoughts.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Nothing has improved, other that I would say my mood and my detachment.
That's a lot more than nothing! Good work! Keep up the DBing and GALing!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
you are doing well it seems. I think the birthday thing was bread crumb, or her not wanting you to feel bad. Either way there's no point in mindreading here, but I think you knew that already.
Sorry to hear you're going to file, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Good luck and take care of those kids!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm glad you took a few days away from the board, b/c sometimes it can consume too much of our time. It's funny how there is a certain tone or vibe of the poster's shot of self value or confidence when he really begins to let go of the WW drama and puts action to having a life without her. Maybe some people think we are speaking of have a lifetime apart from her...…..but I am saying that he needs to take hours apart from her, then take days, and weeks, etc. He will begin to see that life goes on, in spite of the drama his WW tries to throw on his spirit. He must refresh his own inner being, It's comparable to the plane passenger grabbing the oxygen mask for himself, before he is able to save anyone else. I like using the example of trying to save a drowning victim. Especially if that victim doesn't know how to swim, she is in so much panic that she's not going to work with you in order to save her life. She's grabbing at you and pulling you under the water. She will drown you, if you don't break away and swim to save your own life.
Happy birthday, and congrats to you for celebrating with your kids.....away from the house. That was a good decision to remove you and the kids from that environment for celebration. It is difficult to laugh, and enjoy celebrating when in the presence of someone who is clearly not along to have a good time......or if they try to keep everyone's focus on them and how they feel. Even when that person is dealing with physical issues, it can bring a level of guilt for for the rest of the family who tries to celebrate and have too much fun. Know what I mean? In other words, the family has been trained to just go through the motions of celebrating an event......but always taking in account of your W's health. Listen, I've been there! I've been there as the one who lives with chronic pain, and I've been there as a family member of one who has the serious health problems...….so I know how it affects families. I know the guilty feelings from both sides! Anyway, good for you and the kids for making this step to continue enjoying the blessings of being alive.
Quote
In the dark, out of nowhere she said "I hope you and the kids had a good dinner and I hope you had a good birthday". I just said "We did and thank you". I don't know why she said it, why she waited until the last possible moment, or what, but I thought it a little funny. I acknowledged her statement and went to sleep
Absolutely perfect response!!!
Quote
The last thing that happened was the hardest for me to control. She came down one evening out of the blue. She had gone up to take a shower. It is getting darker earlier so it was dark outside. She came in the room wearing her short silky robe. She started to tell me about an issue with one of our children that had just happened. She did not sit in her usual spot, but chose to sit directly across from me. It was really tough not to stare at her as I haven't seen her that way in a long time. We talked, I listened, validated gave a little input on our child. She seemed to drag it out a little longer than she should. It was tough, but I controlled myself, my words and my actions.
Good job!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you all so much for your comments and support. Unfortunately today has not turned out well. Things went way off the rails. I did react and rightfully so and then found out a couple of other things. Moving forward with drawing up everything. I am appalled at her actions. I never thought she was capable of this. Her entire morality has now changed. I wonder how this is going to affect both her future and the future of our children since it will most likely all come out eventually. For myself and my kids, I just want to get this done and over with so we can all move on. I still love my wife. I do not want a D, but there is no other alternative. I strongly believe her world will come crashing down and the reality of the world will set in. I may be 100% wrong on this and she may go on and have an amazing wonderful life. The possibility is there and I am going to do my best to wish her the best in her future. I know I will be ok, that I will move forward and have a great life. I am still just sad as to how long we have been together and the fact that this is over. I would have done anything for this woman and I believe that I have. I can now look myself in the mirror and know that I have done all that I can to try to save our MR. I know that I made some very big mistakes in our marriage. None were enough to end it, but she sees it a different way.
Enjoy your weekend all!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Hang in there JustSad. It's never as bad as it seems in the moment.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
My heart is still way too attached apparently. I kept a decent outer shell this weekend, but inside I am still reeling. I have read about these on other sitche's, but the gut punches really hurt. I've thought about it for a few days, and I am realizing that this is just part of what I have to go through. Funny thing is that I am very sad, I am not panicked this time. Not to say I wasn't short of breath a time or two as this did just catch me as inconceiveable, but I was always just fooling myself.
I still care for her very much. It is just so sad.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Nothing wrong with caring about her. I think we should care about all of our fellow humans! The problem is caring too much about what she says and does. To the point where it is affects your emotions and mood.
See this is where so many get DBing wrong.
DB FOR YOU! Not for her. When you DB with the expectation that it is going to save your marriage, then you will invariably fail. You need to DB so that you are OK no matter what happens. If you are still too attached at this point then likely you have been DBing with one eye on her to see how she reacts. If she reacts positively your hopes go up and you think you are saving it. If she reacts negatively then you spiral and ask "what's the point".
Here are what your daily goals should be:
1) Did I get through the day without worrying about what she says and does, and without attaching any expectations to your DBing efforts. 2) That no one filed for D (unless this is what you want, and you can always decide to pull the plug at any moment). 3) That you didn't engage in any pressure or pursuit. In word or deed. That you didn't engage her in a R talk. That you didn't snoop. Etc. 4) That the rest of your family's needs were met! (If she isn't willing to meet a need, then step in and do it.)
There are others that others might be able to add, but the point is notice this is all about you. What you can do. What you should do.
I know you've struggled with patience, that is why you should concentrate on EACH day. Not the past, not what might happen in the future. But simply striving each day to achieve the above.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
