H is taking the girls to his mums tomorrow night instead of having them stay with him. This got my back up. It means he is planning on going out with her. I said something like "you haven't really had them over at all this week" and he mentioned he'd been around every day to visit. I said, "yeah, I'd noticed that".
I think I wanted to make a point that he was spending a lot of time here (i.e. to make him acknowledge that the weekend impacted him too) and also that I knew he was using his mum as a babysitter so he could go out.
Was this wrong? Should I just have said nothing?
He mentioned he is not sleeping well either. But he blames a headache that he can't seem to get rid of. He made a point of mentioning that is friend (a male friend) is flying in today and is here for the weekend and he is catching up with him tonight. He normally doesn't bother telling me what he is doing.
ok - on the basis that this is where I am supposed to vent ...
My H is still a lying cheating scum bag.
I spoke to my MIL today to confirm arrangements to babysit for me next week (it is my birthday and work colleagues are taking me out for a drink). When H came home (to drop the kids off as he had picked them up from school) I said "just on the phone with your mum" and he looked sheepish and then said he had to go. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rising, and the heat coming up on my chest, and against better judgement I called his mum back as soon as he left and asked whether she had asked him if she could have the kids tomorrow night, or if he had asked her. Turns out, she never asked him and knows nothing about it. She said he'd called her this morning and she wasn't able to talk and when she called him back he was driving with the kids in the car, so he said he'd call her back. All that "I will always be there to look after the kids", the "I want to see them as often as I can" and he then wants to offload them on his mum so he can go out with her. I can only assume its with her, otherwise, why lie about it.
And I also can't believe he is still lying about her. He knows I know. He knows there is nothing I can say or do about it. But yet he lies. We are separated and he is free. But he lies non-the-less. Why? Is it to shield me from the pain? Is it to stop me moving on? Is it to retain the status quo?
In any case, my MIL told me even if he asks, can't watch the kids overnight. . Her spare bedroom is being re-decorated and there is no-where for the kids to sleep.
I hope when he calls OW to say he can't go out tomorrow because he has to babysit that it makes her think twice about seeing a married man. I hope it makes clear she will never come first. In fact, she will come third. His job first (he works on a roster and is away about 40% of the time) and then his children. Once they get comfortable, he will put nights out with his friends above her also. That is what happened to us. I was OK with it because the children and I were a package. When he was spending time with his kids, he was spending time with me. I only started to care when the kids (and I) became his third priority (after work and going out with friends) and thats when the problems started. It is fun now, the spark of a new relationship. But, once it becomes real, she will know that his heart is always going to be with the kids.
My MIL just text to say that he had called her but didn't mention babysitting for him. I think he knows that we will probably discuss it at some point and thought better of it. I guess this means he will sulk, be the victim, demonize me and the two of them can talk about what a [censored] i am for stopping them from being together. I didn't do anything. He is the one who constructed an elaborate lie => which turns out he then didn't put into action.
He is out tonight with an old school buddy. He will probably ask her to come down and join them. I can't stop him. Right now, I hate him.
I managed to sleup without the pills last night. I woke up at half four but that means about 5 hours straight sleep. no ceaseless tunnels wondering if he was having fun with OW. some cheerless tunnels grieving for our M.
last night I took the girls out for dinner. we had a conversation in the car about daddy. we had (pre BD) discussed my buying a new car last year and D8 asked if we were still going to do that. i said i dont know as we dont have as much money as we use to have. this opened the door for D8 to ask questions. D12 just looked out the window. D8 wanted to know if daddy was coming back and i said i dont know. D12 is often angry with the world (hormones, body changing, moving from child to teenager) and I have spoken to her about this many times so I tried to frame it that daddy is going through a similar thing. I asked D12, when she is feeling sad/angry even if she doesnt know why. who she gets angriest with and she said "mummy" and when I asked her why she said "because you are always there". . I said it was the sane for daddy before he left but he is not as angry now and, because daddy being angry made mummy sad, mummy isnt as sad anymore.
hopefully i handled this correctly. no blame. D12 knows that she cant help being angry sometimes because she is a 12 year old girl. she knows that no matter how angry key hurtful she is, and how made I might get at her for being that away, that I will always love her. i hope she knows that her anger is because she is changing and doesnt know why but that no matter how much she hates me in the moment, that deep down she loves me.
the rest of the dinner was fun but uneventful. we laughed kittle at D12s attempts to cur her steak (she still gets confused about which hand to use. we then came home and cuddled up to watch harry potter.
today in am going to get all our nails done and take the girls out for breakfast. D12 has netball and H said he might make it there but he needs to take his school buddy to the airport and doesnt know what time the flight is. so might not make it. A lie, he said the other day that his friend was flying down to visit his brother and was just staying the night with him before he went to his brothers place. no matter. Ceaseless tunnel.
I am having a birthday party tonight. so am looking forward to that.
Birthday party last night. I threw a cocktail masterclass party and invited 10 girlfriends round. It was such lovely night. Nothing major. We had a cocktail master and a chief come over. The cocktail master taught us 4 cocktails and in between each we were served canapes. the cocktail master class lasted about three hours and then are just sat in the living room and drank wine and talked.
I never would have been able to do it if my H hadnt left. i would have had to think about his roster, whether a cocktail class is something he'd be interested in doing, who would watch the kids etc etc. I mentioned this to him yesterday and he said "you could have organized something in the past". Maybe i could have (logistic would have been tougher) but I didnt want to. He and the family were enough and towards the end, I was too scared of displeasing him.
some random things ...
We had agreed he would bring D12 back from netball and then come back and pick up both kids at 5:00 so I could start getting ready for the party. When he brought D12 back i asked if he wanted a coffee before he left. He said yes and we sat in the kitchen, him reading the paper (he brought this in with him) and me reading a book. Every now and then he would comment on what he was reading and wed talk for a bit. this went on for a couple of hours and then he said there was no point in him going away and coming back and he might as well stay until 5. well, 5 came and i he was still there. after many hints, he eventually got the point and we walked to the front door. he started to walk out then decided he needed to clear the drive (there were leaves) so spent 20 mins doing that. Whilst I know mind reading is a big no ok these do not seem like the actions of a man who fast fully let go. He also picked me up this morning to take me kr watch D12s football game and invited me round ri his mums for dinner tonight.
Dinner at H's mum was surprisingly pleasant. H is making a concerted effort to be nicer to me. Normally he goes in the living room and watches TV whilst scrolling through his phone and I stay in the kitchen and make small talk with his mum. This time he stayed in the kitchen with us and chatted about his brother (also going through a breakup) and his sister (buying a house). He said his brother is being taken for a ride and he mentioned how unfair his brothers soon to be exW is being. At one stage he even showed me previews for a new movie he is looking forward to (...WTF... why would you show someone previews for a movie you have no intention of watching with them). He reached across the table to show me not one, but two previews. At one stage I said I was having trouble finding parking at the station at the moment and he started looking up potential long term parking lets on his phone. I don't know where it is coming from, and not wanting to mind read, I will just accept it as a pleasant change.
He drove me home (more pleasant conversation) and then offered to have the children today as I need to come into the office for a meeting and it would mean rushing about to get back in time for school pick up. It still hurt when he took the kids away last night but not as much as it use to hurt.
He has not mentioned OW, SO or D since last week. At one point he referred to our house as 'home' (I was genuinely confused as to whether he was referring to his flat or our house so said (without thinking) "my house?" and he went "yeah").
I would like to know where all the pleasantness is coming from. Is it normal to suddenly be nice to your wife once she discovers you're dating.
GAL activities - at work today and kids this evening so not much chance for GAL'ing. I am going to the gym at lunch and speaking to a DB phone coach this afternoon. I will say I am less emotional then I was last week when I booked it and am in a much clearer head space so not sure how much I need it now. Will give it a go anyway. They might be able to offer a perspective I don't already have.
last night I took the girls out for dinner. we had a conversation in the car about daddy. we had (pre BD) discussed my buying a new car last year and D8 asked if we were still going to do that. i said i dont know as we dont have as much money as we use to have. this opened the door for D8 to ask questions. D12 just looked out the window. D8 wanted to know if daddy was coming back and i said i dont know. D12 is often angry with the world (hormones, body changing, moving from child to teenager) and I have spoken to her about this many times so I tried to frame it that daddy is going through a similar thing. I asked D12, when she is feeling sad/angry even if she doesnt know why. who she gets angriest with and she said "mummy" and when I asked her why she said "because you are always there". . I said it was the sane for daddy before he left but he is not as angry now and, because daddy being angry made mummy sad, mummy isnt as sad anymore.
hopefully i handled this correctly. no blame.
We talk a lot about listening and validating with the WAS, but what we don't talk about as much is that the same goes for the kids. What they are going through is very difficult and traumatic to them and their feelings are quite raw. So it's important to listen to them, and not to argue/explain/reason with them but just validate to let them know you hear them and sympathize with their feelings. It was good that you asked them so that they can open up if they need to and it sounds like you handled it pretty well.
Very sorry you're going through this! Glad you're getting a little sleep now, hopefully that will continue to get better.
Whilst it is impossible for my kids to not be effected, I think they are coping as well as can be expected. To give my H his due, he has maintained (and in deed made a concerted effort to build) a loving bond with them as he did pre BD. We are both committed to our children. My H won't engage in conversations with them about why he left (any more than he will with me) but he gives them love and affection. When he left he told them "mummy and daddy need some time apart because we fight so much" (which was bull) and he said he might come home if we can work things out. He has never told them any different.
Something rather strange that I left off my update earlier. When we were discussing parking, my H offered to let me use the car space at his flat (when he isn't using it). He said he would let me know the days he is away. He then offered to let me put a note up around his block of flats to see if anyone wants to rent me their car space. I said "that would be a little too close for comfort" and he said "it isn't ideal, but if you can't find anything else".
Don't try to make your H look bad to the kids. He's already done that himself and it would only make you look worse. I think you already know this though! But don't let him get away with blaming it all on you.
Your H is trying to be nice and toss you a bone b/c he feels bad about hurting you. Tell him to take his sympathy on shove it. But do it nicely.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Your party sounds like a great time!! Good for you!!! Keep GAL...you can only benefit. I, too, have had some out-of-character touch and goes with my H lately. I think it would be completely ludicrous to think that our H's don't have any feelings remaining for us. I have been my H's best friend for years...that is not a relationship, regardless of what problems there are, that you walk away from without looking back...at least once and maybe multiple times. I think that is why the GAL is so important. So we can come out of this at the end with SOMETHING... even if that something is not our marriage. I overreacted to something my H did yesterday which tells me I have a long way to go still... even though I'm doing good. He apologized and said he did not mean to hurt me.. said "I was reaching out". Alas...I think he was reaching out because of guilt...not because he actually misses me. My H also referred to his moving out as "temporary" to his daughter. Don't know if he is thinking that it actually is temporary or if he was just trying to soften the blow and inch his way closer to a D. Given my H's practice of avoidance... I would not be surprised if it is the latter. Anyway... I think you shouldn't read too much into his latest actions...for your sake. Just stay the course and keep working on you. (((HUGS)))
