I completely see what you’re saying and that’s what I have really been trying to think about. Would I even want this man back given the option? Living in fear this could all happen again? I don’t know, it’s somethinh I’d have to really soul search if ever given the option. Got into it yesterday a bit with him though. He came over to see d and I was getting ready to leave and he mentioned taking her somewhere Saturday night. I said to him “if you take her somewhere, she is to be NOWHERE around this girl you’re seeing” and he said to me “I know that, I’m serious about that. More serious than you know” like hinting if I have a man he doesn’t want him around him. And I said “well you’re seeing someone so you’re obviously not THAT serious about it” and he said “I’m not discussing this right now” and I said “of course you’re not” and I left. Backstep I know but I got a text from him a few minutes later saying if he doesn’t work Saturday he’s taking the dog to the vet.
I was worked up over our little spat so I responded saying I’m busy and didn’t want to talk. He said “ok. So this is how it’s going to be?” I took a page out of R2C’s book and said “I’m not going to be your friend while you’re in a relationship with someone else. I’m coparenting with you, what else do you want from me?” And he said he’s not in a relationship, he’s only focused on getting his feet on the ground for himself and his daughter so “f” what I think I know.
I told him he made the choice of 2 women outside our marriage, so when saying things like “this is how it’s going to be”. Of course it is. And I don’t want any part in that situation.
He went on to say our marriage is supposed to be a relationship and we didn’t have one and he’s not doing anything wrong bc our marriage is just a piece of paper and he can’t believe I’m putting this all on him. So I said pretty verbatim from R2c suggested about how he had legitimate complaints about my part in the dysfunction of our marriage and I acknowledge that but I don’t respect his decision to run and I definitely don’t respect his decision to see someone else, so at this point I just want nothing to do with it. His response was “well I guess one of us hates the other now. Nice!” Saying I hate him. And the. He said “so I guess we will only communicate when we swap the baby??” And I didn’t respond. When I got home I went right into my room and he left. We won’t see him today bc it’s not his night. Thank God. I don’t feel as good today as I have been but I do feel like I’m gaining a little more of myself back. I didn’t handle it great clearly, I let my anger and emotions take over more than I would have liked. But he needs to know he can’t do this and then just me pretend like he’s done nothing to hurt me or like I would just take him back. I love him, and him with OW makes me absolutely sick as hell, but I need my dignity. He’s not taking it from me again.
Thanks Steve, means so much to me. I of course try to dissect everything he said and try to think about how hes feeling or what hes thinking and I cant do that. Our relationship just seems SO far away now, I dont think either of us even remember what it was like. He says he misses us but has complex feelings about it, but If he missed us he would do something about it. And clearly he has no desire to do anything about any of this.
I would have to say, this is the appropriate emotion, the one that will make a world of a difference for yourself. You should absolutely be angry. And I think your anger is doing what it should. You shouldn't be accepting his pathetic excuses and taking all the blame. You own your side of the street, but he certainly does not own his.
Thanks Ginger, you are right about that. I cant really understand how he views all of this to be honest. Im so conflicted, but I was feeling SO low, I just do not want to feel like that anymore. I feel like I may have my own power back a little bit in a way. Of course I would love to shake him and tell him I love him and lets fix this, but he doesnt even deserve that. He doesnt deserve to feel like I want him. He has hurt me SO bad. SO bad. I wish I had started DBing a year ago, it probably would have made a world of difference.
I just need to keep my focus off him and OW because thats what REALLY brings me down. Its awful.
The next time I see him will be Thursday night (tomorrow), and I dont think we have anything to really discuss as far as the baby is concerned so I will leave once he gets there. This Saturday is the night I need him for the night, so I asked him last night if he would like to just skip Friday night and have his own Friday night since he is watching her for me Sat night, or if he would still like to come Friday. And he said he would still like to come Friday. Which is fine.
Our text convo ended with him saying the whole "I guess one of us hates the other..nice!" and asking if we are only going to communicate when swapping the baby now. So I am pretty positive he will make a point to not reach out now and we will just communicate very little when swapping the baby.
I honestly feel better on days I dont have to see him. Nights when its just me and the baby seem to be easier for me, I stay busy with her and its nice. I wake up every day and feel the possibility of feeling down, and I just keep saying Kech, WOULD YOU EVEN WANT HIM BACK? Think about it! And I try to boost myself up.
I wish I knew how to NOT think about him and OW. Ive been doing better because I am feeling better about myself, so I am kind of feeling like this is his loss. But it does hurt my feelings that it feels like he is CHOOSING her. Although he said hes not in a relationship. I dont understand what he thinks hes doing. Hes not getting his feet on the ground, he is full of it.
