Now we have come to an agreement and she isn't crying and smiling I say hug it out? She gives me a disgusted hateful look and says No! Alright I say and walk off. Just what I thought. So folks, I feel like I am doing the right thing, but I kind of feel like I am being manipulated.
Absolutely it is manipulation and you had to learn a tough lesson there. You look out for you and the kids. Zero concessions. It's all business now.
Last night before bed she showed me pics of the house she put an offer on. I honestly tell her it looks like a nice place. She is either jealous or remorseful and makes side comments the whole time about how it's not as nice as our current place even though it costs just about the same. (Its in a more expensive area closer to the city) How I am getting the better place (this was her choice). I just stay positive and tell her it looks like a great place for her and the kids. I get her to tell me more about the home to keep her off the negative. She says she wont live there long. I say at least 2 years to avoid capital gains? She says yes until she has built enough money up to move onto something better. I say well it looks like a nice home and should meet all your needs. She makes some comments about it being good enough for now. This is a good example of our dynamic. One is half full one is half empty.
Yesterday was a good day emotionally for me. I was doing awesome all day until that evening when she got home and went off about marital household items and money. She sees someone who stayed calm and uneffected and fully engaged. As I said in the previous post, afterwards internally I was just feeling like garbage. This morning I feel like there is a big hole in my chest. I was healing and she kind of re-broke my heart, again. I felt like crying this morning, but couldn't. I am starting to run out of tears. I am hurting again and it $ucks. Feels like two steps forward and one step back. Its ironic because she would complain in the past that I wasn't emotional, empathetic, didn't have a heart. Now I am very empathetic, but I have to hide the emotions she wanted to see in the past because she now sees them as a weakness and/or pursuit.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
"I felt like crying this morning, but couldn't. I am starting to run out of tears. I am hurting again and it $ucks." Grieving is part of the process. Don't run from it. Allow yourself to go through it. Don't try to suppress it, let it flow (not in front of her).
Stifling emotions will get you no where. Let it out appropriately, then move on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
However in her talking about it, she goes from this was a bit unplanned last minute to I should have known she was going to put an offer in and I should know I need to keep checking fat right now. I don't argue with her weird logic, I can't read her mind.
She's jumping the gun, she shouldn't be buying a house until the D is final and the assets are split. If I were you I would tell her it's not your job to keep the checking account "fat" so she can run off and buy a house. I would have all finances on lockdown until you figure out how to split everything up. I didn't give my ex a penny until the D was final. When she moved out she rented a house, she didn't buy one until the D was final and she had her half of the D settlement. If your W buys a house while the two of you are still married then technically it could be considered marital assets.
Just remember, you can't "nice" her back. Give her too many concessions before D and in the D and she is as likely to see you as a wimpy pushover as a "good guy". It's fine to be fair in D, but don't let her take advantage of you.
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She has been thinking about me the whole time. She is just putting me first and I am being selfish like our whole marriage.
Yeah you really are selfish in this, leaving the marriage and moving out and looking for another place to live with zero regard for what that is doing to your loyal, loving spouse. Oh wait.
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So folks, I feel like I am doing the right thing, but I kind of feel like I am being manipulated. Sometimes I think I have been gaslit by her.
There's no "think" about it, that is exactly what's happening.
After all this is said and done. She will have lived in 4 houses in the past 4 years. For me it will be 3 obviously. None of these were really career driven moves. Is this normal in today's world? I never felt like it was normal, just along for the ride.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Yep, you got manipulated. She put on the sad face and waterworks and you bit. Tell her she wanted the D, and its not going to be all sunshine and rainbows for either of you. Believe me, shes playing you to get what she wants. She could care less about you.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
After all this is said and done. She will have lived in 4 houses in the past 4 years. For me it will be 3 obviously. None of these were really career driven moves. Is this normal in today's world? I never felt like it was normal, just along for the ride.
Depends. I think renters do things like this all the time. If you are buying and selling this is very atypical.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Any advice how I should handle this? I feel like I have a fire that needs to be put out.
We have an agreement in place on cash, retirement, housings, kids, etc. We just haven't worked out the details on the household items. The mediator/lawyer told us that if we were in agreement on the hard items, cash, house etc. It would be ok for her to move ahead on a house purchase. I would just have to sign a quit claim on the deed. That is why I was ok with her making the offer because I know how much cash she is going to have and how much I am going to have. I have my assumption paperwork coming in the mail this week on our marital home. She called the mediator/lawyer to start the filing process. On paper her house closing time (if the offer is accepted) and the time the mediator/lawyer thinks to finish the D should be in the same window.
Last edited by Twofeet; 10/09/1803:55 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
[quote=Twofeet]However in her talking about it, she goes from this was a bit unplanned last minute to I should have known she was going to put an offer in and I should know I need to keep checking fat right now. I don't argue with her weird logic, I can't read her mind.
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She has been thinking about me the whole time. She is just putting me first and I am being selfish like our whole marriage.
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Yeah you really are selfish in this, leaving the marriage and moving out and looking for another place to live with zero regard for what that is doing to your loyal, loving spouse. Oh wait.
Should I just call her out? Is it ever helpful? I mean things like you said are running through my mind, but I just keep my mouth shut because I don't feel like fighting and arguing anymore. Doesn't get anywhere.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
