But I always did what I thought was a fair share of the chores
180 chance here. Start doing what you think is a great share of the chores so that she feels loved by you!
Yep, it's what I've been doing.
But I think with all of these things, there's a fine line. There's a fine line between doing AoS's and being a doormat. A fine line between giving gifts and buying love. etc.
I'm not exactly sure where that line's at, but time will tell.
As far as the chores, I never liked doing that stuff, and I'm as lazy as the next guy. But now they're just part of the every day routine, and I actually don't mind.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
T, if your a W is openly rebelling against the MR then yes, watch doormat status. But I thought she was past that and is now moving back towards the MR. If the former, then yes back way off on the chores. I even suggest the LBS invest in paper plates and plastic silverware and drinkware so that when the dishes are all dirty you still can eat and drink.
But if the latter, go nuts. Go fill Mr. Mom. BUT ONLY after she's recommitted to the MR.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
T, if your a W is openly rebelling against the MR then yes, watch doormat status. But I thought she was past that and is now moving back towards the MR. If the former, then yes back way off on the chores. I even suggest the LBS invest in paper plates and plastic silverware and drinkware so that when the dishes are all dirty you still can eat and drink.
But if the latter, go nuts. Go fill Mr. Mom. BUT ONLY after she's recommitted to the MR.
I believe her waywardness is behind her and she is taking small steps towards the MR. Ok, I'm not going to go overboard with anything, yet. But I will continue with what I'm doing!
Next MC appt is in a few days
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Ok, just read the rest of the book. you guys are obviously right, and i misunderstood most of what I originally thought.
It's not that she enjoys me taking out the garbage, it's the fact that I do it, without complaint, so she doesn't have to worry about it. It's still not my LL, and to be honest it's hard to believe it is a LL. But I get it.
The problem now and going forward is, I always thought I did do most of those things. Again, not great or consistent. But I always did what I thought was a fair share of the chores, shopping, etc. Hmmm, that's going to be a future conversation.
Is there anything that youbreally didnt want to do or procrastinated on? That may be a good place to start. I can look back at my own sitch now and realize that was a big part of what caused our divide. Like you, i felt like i did more than my fair share of the chores, but missed opportunities to make W happy by doing those she would ask about.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Ok, just read the rest of the book. you guys are obviously right, and i misunderstood most of what I originally thought.
It's not that she enjoys me taking out the garbage, it's the fact that I do it, without complaint, so she doesn't have to worry about it. It's still not my LL, and to be honest it's hard to believe it is a LL. But I get it.
The problem now and going forward is, I always thought I did do most of those things. Again, not great or consistent. But I always did what I thought was a fair share of the chores, shopping, etc. Hmmm, that's going to be a future conversation.
Is there anything that youbreally didnt want to do or procrastinated on? That may be a good place to start. I can look back at my own sitch now and realize that was a big part of what caused our divide. Like you, i felt like i did more than my fair share of the chores, but missed opportunities to make W happy by doing those she would ask about.
Sure, there were of plenty of things I probably didn't do enough of, or I complained about doing them. Just one example is, she wanted a dog. I didn't, specifically because I didn't want to clean up after it. We got a dog, and since it was never completely housebroken, I cleaned up after it a lot. I hated it, and complained all the time about it. I still hate it, but don't complain as much. But my complaining made her feel bad, and lead to some resentments.
But again, the troubling thing is, we've had these conversations before, long before I ever heard of love languages. She always wanted more acts of service, and I always wanted more physical intimacy. And every conversation would be her saying 'I need you to do more around the house'. Then 6 months later (after no intimacy change) the same conversation would happen, except this time it would be 'I know you're doing more around the house and I appreciate it. But I now need you to complain less about the dog'. A year later after no physical change, it would be 'I appreciate you not complaining about the dog, but I need you to do more with our son'. Probably 10 conversations like that over the years, and each time it's me trying to meet her variety of needs, but there was never an effort to meet my 1 need. I didn't always succeed in meeting those needs, but I felt the effort was at least there.
My point is, I don't know if she's even capable of changing in order to meet my needs. Hell, I really only have 1 and it's a major problem for her. I hope she is, and hopefully a MC will mediate this and help both of us see where we failed.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Have you ever just tried meeting her needs because you love her? No covert contracts. No expectations of reciprocating. Just simple because I love this woman so much I want to do these things for her?
Spouses have a sixth sense. We talk about this in DBing. They know when you are doing it just to manipulate them. And that is true even in a MR without a current sitch going on. Your W deep down could tell that the reason you would do these things was so you could later complain about not having your 1 need met. (And trust me on this, you had way more than just 1 need!)
Try doing it just because. Without complaint or expectations.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well i can understand that. While i didnt do everything my W asked for i surely kept doing more and more trying to please her until i basically was running myself into the ground. I never could get her to give the smallest effort, she just didnt want to get the ball rolling on her end. I guess she felt like she was already doing so much. My W has a hard time seeing how much work the other person is putting in. She is really focused on herself, and even admits that she is selfish and "somewhat" a narcassist.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
It's not that she enjoys me taking out the garbage, it's the fact that I do it, without complaint, so she doesn't have to worry about it. It's still not my LL, and to be honest it's hard to believe it is a LL. But I get it.
No you still don't get it. Taking out the garbage is not the kind of AoS that's going to ring her bell. Think romantic things, like bringing her breakfast in bed. Making her a candlelit dinner. Taking her for a pedicure. Taking her out to do something that SHE likes that she knows YOU hate (for me that would be opera). Those are acts that MATTER and will lead to romance later. Taking out the trash, doing laundry, cleaning house, those are all beta activities that rank SUPER LOW on the AoS scale.
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The problem now and going forward is, I always thought I did do most of those things. Again, not great or consistent. But I always did what I thought was a fair share of the chores, shopping, etc. Hmmm, that's going to be a future conversation.
Oh hell no, that is not a conversation you want to have. "Honey I took out the trash and cleaned the toilet, why doesn't that make you want to have sex with me?" LOL! Chores are not significant AoS. Think like an alpha, not a beta.
Steve, that is a very good point. And W has brought that exact thing up many times in the past. I honestly can't say she was always wrong either.
AS, I don't have the book memorized, but those seem to fall under the 'Quality Time' LL. Which if memory serves me, rated even lower on W's scale than Physical Touch. Although I'm sure a lot of these things intertwine, from what I remember Acts of Service are things like household chores. Which again is why I couldn't (and still entirely don't) understand why that's a LL. Again, those are things a maid could do, and why would someone feel love when their spouse is doing that stuff? I mean, like on The Break Up when Vince Vaughn only brought 5 lemons and didn't want to help do the dishes. I can understand her being mad about that. But that was pretty much just negligence on his part. I don't know, it still seems a little weird to me.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
