And, speaking from experience here, don't act like all is fine and dandy if she hasn't really made a big effort to reconcile. I have been there and done that, and the last time, I kept my wall up. The WS is a very finicky thing and can change quickly.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
MC session #2 complete. Let's start with the bad, since that was the start.
Bad; W told MC she was reluctant to come last week (even though her idea, she scheduled it, etc), because while she's committed to doing the necessary work, she's still not 100% sure what she wants. MC halted things right there and said she was under the impression we were both committed to saving the M, and if that's not the case, she needs to know right then and there, even if she isn't 100%. W said she is, but is struggling with a lot of resentments from the past. MC said we'll be ok if she at least has 'both feet in the door', and is leaning more towards saving the M than leaving the M. W said she is, but not necessarily the most positive way to start the session.
W said she felt pressure from some of the things I did 4-6 weeks ago, including concert tickets. Again, we discussed it the night before, she said she wanted to go, but didn't expect me to actually get tickets. Eventually said she had a good time and was glad we went.
I talked more than I probably should have, especially when she asked about the LL quiz results. Said I was confused by AoS, and have felt for a long time that she has either zero attraction or zero sexual interest in me. I know, terribly beta thing to say, but it's true. W went on to talk about how we were so emotionally disconnected, no flirting, empty love tank, etc, and has nothing to do with my physical appearance. It literally took all I could from not screaming "how much of emotional connection could you have developed with OM in the few hours before you hit on him!" But, I refrained.
Good: MC asked W to explain the AoS meaning to me, in her words. Basically W said she wants/needs a 'partner'. There was lots more, but it finally makes sense.
W said our communication has improved 1000% recently, and has been awesome. MC asked me if I initiate R talks and I said not usually. When asked why, I said 'for the reason W opened the session with. saying she's not sure what she wants.' W said that I havent been pushing or pulling her in any direction.
MC focused a lot on how W (and most women) is very vague in expressing specifically what she wants/needs. She also talked a lot about sex, why couples stop having it, how to get it back, etc. I think it was good for both of us to hear.
W said that over the past month I've been doing a lot of AoS, which she greatly appreciated. When MC asked her if she's expressed her appreciation to me, she had to say no. Again, I love my W and think she's a good person, but she's always had some trouble seeing things from my point of view. So hearing from a very respected MC what SHE needs to be doing to meet my needs may be good for her. It may not be, and it may drive her away, but she at least needs to hear it from someone other than me.
Homework: MC suggested we start some light touching, cuddling, etc, with no expectation that it will lead to sex. W is to begin expressing her needs specifically, and to begin giving affirmation for the things I'm doing I need to continue doing what I'm doing, and accept that cuddling or holding hands will not lead to sex
Overall not bad i guess. I really think the MC knows her stuff. She's very pro marriage, but isn't going to string us along if she thinks things are hopeless. She actually, almost word for word, told me the exact things about emotional connections that W told me last week.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Just writing now to vent a bit. Having a bad day, and there's no real reason for it.
We have a wedding saturday. But now her crazy sister is coming, and because of that we don't have a sitter (long story). So W and SIL are going, and I'm not. No biggie I guess, but obviously things have been known to 'happen' at weddings. Plus that would have been a chance for more quality time for us. Ugh.
I also still can't get out of my mind that W has no sexual attraction for me. I said in MC that it's a physical attraction, but to me physical and sexual attractions are different. And if she doesn't have a sexual attraction to me (as evidenced by never wanting sex with me, never initiating, and blatantly hitting on another man), then are we just wasting our time with all this other stuff (MC, working on M, etc)? Maybe a woman can answer this, but even if she flat out hated me, you'd think at least once in a while she'd have the desire to have sex with me right?
Anyway, that's about it. The fact I have a massive head cold isn't helping matters either. W did say last night that she plans to start sleeping in our bed again, but just not right away because of me being sick.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I've never heard of a woman that would sleep with someone she hated, unless she was getting paid for it. Attraction it's rebuilt on top of respect. Get her respect back and she'll be attracted to you again.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I've never heard of a woman that would sleep with someone she hated, unless she was getting paid for it. Attraction it's rebuilt on top of respect. Get her respect back and she'll be attracted to you again.
Maybe. lol. I guess my point was that at some point over the past 12 months, even on drunken nights, she never wanted it (at least from me).
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
