She is constantly going out with friends, obsessed with always looking her best, nails, eyelashes dressed up and makeup no matter where she is going. After fumbling around for a bit (like she was trying to hide what else was on her phone) she eventually showed me the clip.
Unfortunately this is all very predictable. Most likely an EA and most likely someone she works with. Is a affair a deal breaker for you? Like Steve said doesn't change anything but it is best to know what you are up against. It might be best for you to look into individual counseling also refereed to as IC.
Not going to lie you have a tough road ahead of you.
She is constantly going out with friends, obsessed with always looking her best, nails, eyelashes dressed up and makeup no matter where she is going. After fumbling around for a bit (like she was trying to hide what else was on her phone) she eventually showed me the clip.
Unfortunately this is all very predictable. Most likely an EA and most likely someone she works with. Is a affair a deal breaker for you? Like Steve said doesn't change anything but it is best to know what you are up against. It might be best for you to look into individual counseling also refereed to as IC.
Not going to lie you have a tough road ahead of you.
I 100% agree that it is an EA and it is for sure someone from work but this changes nothing as far as I am concerned. I want my wife back regardless of what is going on. Just have to keep making it through the day and really work on detaching as that is so far the hardest for me to achieve. I'm just going to keep going to the gym, keep on meditating and keep up the GAL.
Ryan, many (all?) of us can relate to your comments. Her actions are straight out of the WAS/WW handbook. ILYBINILWY, dressing up, going out, won't let her phone out of her sight, partying with friends/ enablers. It's all classic WAS behavior. Needy, desperate behavior on your part will NOT bring her back. Nothing you do will, all you can do is pull back and give her time and space. Be prepared to see some hurtful behavior because she will behave like she's in a "girls gone wild" video for quite a while. Cadet always says this is a marathon because that's exactly what it is. You won't see any changes in weeks or even months. It'll likely take a year or more for her to snap out of it. So settle in and be patient. Work on yourself and leave her alone.
My ex did all that stuff too. It took her about a year to stop the silliness and act her age again. It did not lead to reconciliation, her personality changed quite a bit and she never did "get back to normal". But she is more like her old self than she was after BD.
One of my ex's enablers left her H, moved out and acted like a college girl on spring break. Her H was like "you want to leave, well there's the door." He didn't do all the begging/ pleading/ placating that most of us did. He just went silent on her. She got a tattoo of a butterfly on her lower back with a phrase in Latin that translated to something like "she's finally free", LOL! 6 months later she was back home with her H like nothing ever happened. That was around 5 years ago and they are still together. Sandi is always talking about how she wishes more LBS's would take that kind of a "tough love" approach with a wayward because that is pretty much the only thing that works with them. The problem with most of us here is we are afflicted with NGS (nice guy syndrome) and are unable/ unwilling to take that approach.
AnotherStander, Thanks for the response. It took me a long time to figure it out but I realize that my reacting to her is just making things worse and pushing her further away. I am so determined to just stop, detach and not pay any attention to all the negative behavior. At this point she can do as she pleases and I will focus on myself. I know this is going to be a very long process and may not ever work. I have started taking more of the tough love approach and told her exactly what your friend told his wife " if you want to leave be my guest". She refused to entertain that idea but that doesn't really matter. I have put my foot down though and refuse to continue paying the majority of the bills. Again I was enabling her by allowing her all the freedom in the world and was essentially giving her extra money to go out and party by taking care of the household financials.
At this point she can do as she pleases and I will focus on myself. I know this is going to be a very long process and may not ever work.
Wrong. This approach ALWAYS works. What you have to do is change your definition of works. If by works you mean she will return to the MR and be full in, then yeah, that might not work. But if you mean that you will be better, stronger, and healthier....and OK no matter what. Then this approach ALWAYS works.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wrong. This approach ALWAYS works. What you have to do is change your definition of works. If by works you mean she will return to the MR and be full in, then yeah, that might not work. But if you mean that you will be better, stronger, and healthier....and OK no matter what. Then this approach ALWAYS works. [/quote]
Steve, I should have been more specific, what I intended was that I am just not going to worry about what she does anymore and I am not going to react. I am not going to let her drag me down. I am just going to take care of myself and the kids and get on with life. If she eventually "wakes up" and returns great, if not then it is her loss. I am truly starting to love myself and realize my worth. No matter what the final outcome of all this is I am responsible for my own happiness and I am going to do things in life that make me happy.
Steve, I should have been more specific, what I intended was that I am just not going to worry about what she does anymore and I am not going to react. I am not going to let her drag me down. I am just going to take care of myself and the kids and get on with life. If she eventually "wakes up" and returns great, if not then it is her loss. I am truly starting to love myself and realize my worth. No matter what the final outcome of all this is I am responsible for my own happiness and I am going to do things in life that make me happy.
Yes, that's it exactly! If you start slipping then refer to that paragraph, because that's a great synopsis of the goal of DBing.
All I will add is that the sooner and better you stick to this plan, the sooner it will bring results. No guarantee, but this will make it last much shorter. Also, watch out for Tests. If she sees you detaching, many WW will test LBS to see if they still have power over you. Be prepared. Vent here.
The goal is reconciliation and I suggest you read about it. Anything less will bring you back here again.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Also, watch out for Tests. If she sees you detaching, many WW will test LBS to see if they still have power over you. Be prepared. Vent here.
This is a great tip and I am slowly learning to spot the tests and not react. They have been coming fast and furious and up until a few days ago I was falling for them.
I am so glad I found this community of people. It is a real shame we are all hear but I am so glad I reached out.
