I will re police my responses. The i miss you text was clearly meant to get in my head. And it worked. Caused me to become conflicted and lash out here. I really need to just drop it. Read a good quote i related to yesterday.
"My mother died. My spouse cheated, the pain was the same. When she confirmed her infidelity, the person i chose to spend my life with died"
Shes dead. When she swapped her persona when she met om, the woman i knew died. Never to return.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Also, feel free to lash out at me anytime. I don't mind. I would much rather you lash out here in a cathartic way, than lash out at her and make your sitch worse.
Onward and upward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OK - You have to continue to work on letting it go and building your life into something that is so spectacular that your XW is nothing but a blip on the radar. When she reaches out to you either in error or on purpose and says something nice just take it at face value and move on. If it violates a boundary of yours then enforce the boundary. Try to stop looking for meaning with everything that she does. I did this early on with my XW and it is mentally exhausting.
Tuesday my XW sent me a text message laughing about something another parent did and then she asked my opinion on something, phrased it with (WWDD) "What Would Daddy Do". I just answered her question and kept it moving reminding myself in the back of my mind that we are divorced and she has a boyfriend.
Woman are emotional creatures and sometimes there is no ryhym or reason to what they do. I do know though that if you ever wanted a chance to recon with your XW you need to hold the line, show her your emotional strength and don't engage her in these petty arguments or trying to prove a point or 1 up her. That type of behavior will continue to push her farther away.
And this is exactly what I am trying to get you to focus on. Why are you letting 3 little words get in your head so bad? It will only serve YOU to work on that.
And I will tell you, if my boyfriend was so easily manipulated and let his ex get in his head so much by a "I miss you" text, which may have not even been intended for him (I know you say it is, but it's not something she is admitting to) I would be really concerned about where his mind and heart is. I know you say Mary is great and understanding, but if you want to take this R further, your ex can't have that much control over you anymore.
I liked your quote on her being "dead". I've had similar thoughts before as well.
Just quit engaging her as opponent or someone you need to prove something to. I know, you know, she knows, we all know that she hurt you. And you're still somewhat attached. And your W knows it too b/c you're still arguing with her.
You've come a long way, now just keep working on yourself. You know she texted you that she misses you. Maybe it really was an accident, although I don't think it was. Either way you don't need to prove anything to her and you don't need her to admit it to you. Live your life!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
As I haven’t been posting a lot lately I would like to open the door for any of you to ask any questions you may have. Here are some things that have been on my mind.
FIL’s dark, mysterious past, and how much a physical threat to S3 he is.
A lot more of her gaslighting and compulsive lies have come to the surface. I am frequently reminded of some thing she said or did that didn’t fully register when it happened, but now is such obvious deception it hurts.
The court has been awful slow and quiet for the past month.
I am often torn between nostalgia and anger, thinking back on what things were like, and how far back into our R she had been lying and sneaking, but yet I still harbor fond memories and miss things, things I know were likely BS.
Mary has shown me a lot about what a normal person says and does in a new relationship, it has shown me how many red flags I really did miss with EXW. So many more than I thought.
I cannot look back and honestly identify a time outside the first 6 months our relationship that I feel she may have been 100% genuine. Yet I still miss and think about her a lot. Makes no sense to me.
Questions that still plague me: (2x4 bait, but im being honest here) 1.) Why unblock me and be nice for a week, go cold, rinse and repeat? – my assumption here is that though she doesn’t want me, she doesn’t want me to move on either. 2.) Does she ever regret her decision? Even for selfish reasons like losing our home, or looking like scum to the public? 3.) (this will earn me the 2x4) Why has she still kept OM from public view? She couldn’t wait to start flaunting me around online when we started dating. It was immediate. She has been with OM for 1.5 YEARS now. Not a single mention of him. Anywhere. Its like he doesn’t exist.
4.) How can you be so emotionless and pretend like nothing happened?
5.) Why did I backslide so hard?
Honesty time. She is still in my head way more than she ought to be. This was reduced dramatically the last few weeks, a month maybe, but its been more prevelant these last few days, a week.
I am still comparing Mary to her in some ways, and I know that is a dark road to tread. There are things about her I miss, that I feel were just Mirroring Techniques to make me fall for her, but they are things I feel like I wont find again in a woman. She was fun, funny, things were vibrant and ALIVE when we first got together. But again, I think that’s just the mirroring/love bombing/fake love speaking.
Mary is wonderful, she has been so understanding, and kind. Esp. considering she came into this Relationship with little to no dating experience. She knows my situation 100% and has been amazing, even encouraging me to talk about things when she can tell im not 100%. I think Mary is just a very very different type of person, and that’s still taking adjustment time.
Ok, so typing that all out just helped a lot. I think this is what ive thought of. Not healthy, selfish, but truth. 1.) I know I was deceived abused and manipulated. 2.) I Don’t want her back, and I don’t want to reconcile.
3.) I do miss her, and I do regret losing my family, my home, and splitting S3’s life up. I just miss what I had, but I see that that is gone forever. She is dead. The woman I knew is dead. 4.) I think if she hadn’t gotten caught cheating, it would have gotten swept under the rug, and would have just happened again. 5.) She truly believes all her own lies, and is convinced of her gaslighting. She truly believes I was emotionally abusive, that “its my fault” She cheated, that I took her for granted, and was generally a d*ck. I had things to improve on, but this is not the case. I was a good husband, HER LOSS.
6.) she will keep doing this.
7.) her life IS NOT as nice as she has presented it to be. She is really good at pretending she is happy, content and things are going well. Her stepfather and I had a long chat 2 weeks ago. He was bursting at the seams to tell me how F*cked up the situation at their house has been. He also told me if he ever meets OM, he will punch him. 8.)OM has been introduced to FIL, but not MIL and Step-FIL. She is isolating him to only her F*cked up, sicko father.
Lastly, I have mentioned these “Gut feelings” before, they have always been followed by some event. Court papers, her messaging me, other things. I swear….it feels like we share some emotional connection and I can sense when she is particularly mad, upset, or feeling guilt. This sounds crazy, even to me, who experiences these physical sensations and the timing that goes with them. I don’t believe in this type of spiritual connection per-say, but it has happened far too many times to dismiss out of hand.
I have gotten lazy with my workouts since moving to my brothers. That ends today. I am working on getting my own place soon. That will be a big help
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
[quote=OrangeK]Questions that still plague me: (2x4 bait, but im being honest here) 1.) Why unblock me and be nice for a week, go cold, rinse and repeat? – my assumption here is that though she doesn’t want me, she doesn’t want me to move on either.
I don't think anyone can give you the answer to this. I don't care who you are no one can turn off all of their emotions and I am sure she has went through her own grieving process but hasn't shown it to you. IMO it will probably happen when you least expect it or something you are not aware of will trigger it.
2.) Does she ever regret her decision? Even for selfish reasons like losing our home, or looking like scum to the public?
Again I don't think anyone truly knows the answer but I am sure their is some regret but that doesn't mean she is coming home.
3.) (this will earn me the 2x4) Why has she still kept OM from public view? She couldn’t wait to start flaunting me around online when we started dating. It was immediate. She has been with OM for 1.5 YEARS now. Not a single mention of him. Anywhere. Its like he doesn’t exist.
Again anything I saw is purely speculation but maybe there is some embarrassment on her part for what she has done especially if OM is worse than you. If your W is like my XW she hangs around a completely different crowd now so while in her old circles he may not be showing his face in her new circles he might be.
4.) How can you be so emotionless and pretend like nothing happened?
How do you know this to be the case? She may not just show it to you. You are speculating.
5.) Why did I backslide so hard?
Because you still love your W and if she called you tomorrow and said "OK.....I love you, I am so sorry I will do anything to make it right you would explore it". You just need to be honest with yourself. I don't think you have got to the acceptance part yet of your situation.
If my XW called me tomorrow and said the same thing I as well would be willing to explore it with her. After being together for 17 years and having 2 kids I would be willing to see her progress. That is assuming that I am not in a relationship with someone else that blows my socks off.
It’s a process O and it takes time. You have up and down cycles there but you know you are moving forward. DB let you focus on yourself and regain control of your life (piece of cake...)
You have been walking a long road. Be proud of where you are. Just give time the time. Detach some more, no expectations, live the present. Enjoy your S.
Don’t be harsh when interpreting advices. We are all different, we come from so many places, but this is a common space we have to share our feelings. This is a love based site, and that is what we share.
Love your S, love yourself and keep moving forward O!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Her: “Woah, FML, Sorry lol. Im done texting because I clearly keep hitting the wrong conversations when im distracted. I feel like an @sshole right now after you’ve already made it clear about conflicting feelings when talking to me. I cant imagine seeing that just now was an easy feeling, im really sorry OrangeK”
Me: “ It doesn’t bother me EXW, Im fine. Its just odd that in 6 years you never mistakenly texted me, and now its been twice in a week. Perhaps you should change my name in your phone to avoid confusion”
Her: “I know, its because the conversations are right next to eachother and I hit the wrong one again, not paying attention to texting. I don’t need to change any names in my phone, theres no confusion”
Me: “Sure thing. Ttyl”
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
