Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (5)

[Ready2Change]

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And then as soon as I started pulling away more I got his attention. Once I started saying less, not being as nice, he started wondering what was going on. ... Pull away but be polite... I have to work on it. I’ll practice in the mirror

[burned]

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Here are what your daily goals should be:

1) Did I get through the day without worrying about what she says and does, and without attaching any expectations to your DBing efforts.
2) That no one filed for D (unless this is what you want, and you can always decide to pull the plug at any moment).
3) That you didn't engage in any pressure or pursuit. In word or deed. That you didn't engage her in a R talk. That you didn't snoop. Etc.
4) That the rest of your family's needs were met! (If she isn't willing to meet a need, then step in and do it.)

There are others that others might be able to add, but the point is notice this is all about you. What you can do. What you should do.

[Ready2Change]

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....I woke up and told myself I was going to have a good day.....I had a great day.

I again, spent my day busy, GAL, having lunch with family and hanging out at my brother and sister in laws house.

I made sure to look amazing, and said I had to go.

he sent me a text asking "Are we ready to finalize this"...Another hint of his anger. I responded saying "You’re seeing someone else so clearly you are ready. You should do whatever you need to do."

I told him he can think what he wants.....

I responded "I’m sorry you feel that way. Right now you are seeing someone else. I don’t know what you want from me. I’m co-parenting with you. Finalize whatever you want....."

When I got home I went directly into my room and didn’t go into the living room where he was. He got up and left.

I spoke with my doctor and they prescribed me something to help me with the depression I have been dealing with.

Something I have been telling myself over and over is to really think hard about if I would even want him back if that became an option. It would be very hard to ever trust him again. He would have so much to prove.

These are all things he said to me at BD, and ALL the things that I have worked on and that he has stated he sees I’ve changed

My stance still stands, I love him. I would love to R our M, but I am not doing that while he is seeing someone. And its not at all acceptable that he is! I have a really busy week/weekend ahead so I am hoping that just pushes me through with no backsteps. Feeling ok on this Monday for the first time in a while.

This is DBing!

[Ready2Change]

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Do it as a form of self value and self respect, not to get him back!

He has shown zero action, only manipulative words. Let his actions match his words. And for a period of time too.

[Ready2Change]

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Many posters struggle with patience, and it causes them to contemplate filing for D when they do not want one.... Doing anything out of impatience (whether it is those contemplating D, or those that are starting to show signs of Ring but want to hurry things along) will not be helpful to your sitch.

[Ready2Change]

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This is a dance, and it is a delicate dance. Pursue and pressure too hard and too fast and she will run the other way quickly. You need to tread lightly. That is where the patience comes in. Maybe you've been friend-zoned, or maybe she is just going very slowly. For lots of reasons. But the lighthouse analogy still stands. You shine the light, she sails towards you. You do not go towards her. The time may come when you do become more aggressive, but you need to take it slow.

[burned]

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Picnic analogy: how to do it wrong.

Your picnic is like this:

"Should I start eating or wait for her? Is she coming? Is that her? No that was a tree limb blowing in the breeze. Maybe she will come from the other direction. No I don't see her over there either. Okay I guess I will eat this sandwich. Boy this sandwich would taste so much better if she was sitting on this blanket next to me. Is that her? Nope, Bummer. I guess I will have to eat these cupcakes without her. Shucks, I brought 2, one for each of us."

Your picnic is centered around her........not you.

[Ready2Change]

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...I started reading, not only the boards here but other things, learning about my situation, and putting a plan into action to save my marriage. I straightened out, GAL, lost 20 lbs, and gave her the space she needed. I know how you feel about maybe this gives the wrong signals and it might push her further away, but it didn't for me. I was friendly, kept contact to a minimum and spoke to her as necessary (we have kids), listened to her when she was willing to talk, didn't push her when she wasn't. At first I had to pretend, it was really hard, I sought some IC which helped me a lot. There were many frustrating days for me. After some time pretending, I started to feel it, I started to realize that I was a worthy person, I forgave myself, tried harder to love myself, and I disconnected emotionally. I knew in my heart I was a better man than her coworker, after 11 years together truly she valued me far more than someone at work, I am the father of her kids. I had to go through a bit of a break down, but I hit a point where I was OK on my own. Suddenly she started to come around, yes it was a bit rocky, but she seemed interested in perhaps saving our marriage. Things are going quite well for us now, rather than simply loving my wife, I am "in love" with her, I love being around her and spending time with her, she's feeling the same towards me and showing it, the EA has ended, I never brought it up with her extensively, I only let he know I was aware after snooping in her phone, she was super mad about that, but for me it was the right thing to do, make her aware that I knew, she brought it up off and on especially when she was pulling back from it, and when she talked about it I never asked questions, pried, accused, was angry, I couldn't change it and I wanted my wife back and it is what it is. So keep your head up, GAL, love yourself, and others will love you. All the best.

[Ready2Change]

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Frankly, now isnt really the time to be using the 5 love languages on her, exactly. Imagine watching your wife make a cup of coffee in the morning for years, and NOW that she has asked for a divorce, you start doing it for her. It doesnt come off as caring, it comes across as fake and just drives her further away. It reminds her of all of the years that you DIDNT help.

Instead, now is a great time to learn about the 5 love languages and practice them with essentially everyone else. Friends, parents, stepson, coworkers, etc. How can you adopt the kind of mindset of showcasing your love for others?

[SteveLW]

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What I want to emphasize is that the date doesnt really mean anything. Because it signifies waiting. I think waiting is such a passive word. It isnt an action. It isnt anything you have control over. It robs you of the power over your own life. I dont think patience is the same thing. It's about letting your life unfold before you without needing to rush . Don't put your life on hold waiting for her to do or say something. Think about it like going to a restaurant - let's say the host says that a table will be ready in 15 minutes. After 15 minutes and no table...then what? "Waiting" would be getting up and checking on the status regularly and sticking it out until eventually you get seated. "Patience" would be reading a book or playing on your phone until you either get seated or decide to go somewhere else.

I think it may be a bad example, but the point is to control what you can. You can keep a guide in your head, but ultimately, youl know when you are done whether its in 2 months, 2 years or 2 decades.]