AS, I don't have the book memorized, but those seem to fall under the 'Quality Time' LL. Which if memory serves me, rated even lower on W's scale than Physical Touch.
It's a good book for helping to understand what you may have done wrong in the M, but not a good book for turning around a WAS. One of the issues you have is you gave the test to a WAS. Any WAS is going to give PT (with her H) a really low ranking and stuff she perceived as him doing wrong a high ranking. It's a laundry list of what she thinks you did wrong, NOT a template on how to become more attractive to her. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. etc. that's all very beta behavior and one of the big mistakes most LBS's make is doubling down on beta. In a healthy M some beta is good for the M (if mixed with alpha) but for a WAS it's "too little too late". I'm not saying to stop doing all that, but don't do it expecting it to impress her or turn her around. Do it for you. But also concentrate heavily on being more alpha, and on learning what that means.
AS, I don't have the book memorized, but those seem to fall under the 'Quality Time' LL. Which if memory serves me, rated even lower on W's scale than Physical Touch.
It's a good book for helping to understand what you may have done wrong in the M, but not a good book for turning around a WAS. One of the issues you have is you gave the test to a WAS. Any WAS is going to give PT (with her H) a really low ranking and stuff she perceived as him doing wrong a high ranking. It's a laundry list of what she thinks you did wrong, NOT a template on how to become more attractive to her. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. etc. that's all very beta behavior and one of the big mistakes most LBS's make is doubling down on beta. In a healthy M some beta is good for the M (if mixed with alpha) but for a WAS it's "too little too late". I'm not saying to stop doing all that, but don't do it expecting it to impress her or turn her around. Do it for you. But also concentrate heavily on being more alpha, and on learning what that means.
Hell now I'm more confused.
I never even heard of the book until a few weeks ago. The MC assigned it as 'homework'. We were both to read it and complete the quizzes in the back for each of us, then compare. Not like it was my idea!
Trust me, I agree with you on the beta stuff. I think doing some of that stuff is important, but you can't go overboard. Now, if me not doing those things was her biggest complaint, and acts of service is her biggest LL, then a 180 for me would be to start doing those things, right? Especially if she at least on the surface seems to be working on the MR.
I always assumed I was pretty alpha. But maybe not. Maybe when I thought I was being alpha, i was really just being a jerk. I'll do some research!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
you need to reread the book. Or rent the audiobook and listen to it in the car.
AnotherStander is making the point that "speaking her love language" right now is just pursuit. Speaking her love language is fine and great when the marriage is healthy, but since she is walking away from the marriage (I can't remember how for it's gone) you should not be doing that.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
you need to reread the book. Or rent the audiobook and listen to it in the car.
AnotherStander is making the point that "speaking her love language" right now is just pursuit. Speaking her love language is fine and great when the marriage is healthy, but since she is walking away from the marriage (I can't remember how for it's gone) you should not be doing that.
Thanks Ovr.
That's why I said earlier I think there's a fine line between 180s and pursuit. Same goes with the love languages.
I don't think she's walking away anymore. I mean, the possibility certainly still exists, but as of now she's at least trying to work on it, and taking steps to make us work (IC, MC, making future plans for us, wearing wedding ring, cutting down on drinking, showing appreciation, etc). The things I'm doing are; being more positive, helping a lot more around the house, and above all properly communicating. I guess time will tell, but aside from no physical contact (and a little awkwardness at times), it's probably been the best 4 week span we've had in years.
I continue to learn things every day. Two important things that I've learned throughout this though is patience, and knowing that i'll be fine, regardless of outcome.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
That's why I said earlier I think there's a fine line between 180s and pursuit. Same goes with the love languages.
I don't agree on 180s. 180s aren't pursuit as much as they are self improvement. I guess certain 180s could be pursuit but the LBS would need to be very careful to be sure that 180s that are pursuit aren't done in the thick of their sitch. I would need to think of a good example to comment more fully.
LLs yeah that would definitely be pursuit. Which is why we are all saying that you need to be very careful with LLs. Most LBS shouldn't be filling the love tank of the WAS UNTIL if and when they are ready to commit back to the MR. Most MC use LLs for couples because they assume both spouses are ready to work on the MR. This is why we tell new LBSs not to do MC because most of the time the WAS isn't really interested in working on the MC, but is just going through the motions.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That's why I said earlier I think there's a fine line between 180s and pursuit. Same goes with the love languages.
I don't agree on 180s. 180s aren't pursuit as much as they are self improvement. I guess certain 180s could be pursuit but the LBS would need to be very careful to be sure that 180s that are pursuit aren't done in the thick of their sitch. I would need to think of a good example to comment more fully.
LLs yeah that would definitely be pursuit. Which is why we are all saying that you need to be very careful with LLs. Most LBS shouldn't be filling the love tank of the WAS UNTIL if and when they are ready to commit back to the MR. Most MC use LLs for couples because they assume both spouses are ready to work on the MR. This is why we tell new LBSs not to do MC because most of the time the WAS isn't really interested in working on the MC, but is just going through the motions.
So what the hell do I do now? Lol
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
If she has recommitted then use her LL to fill her love tank.
Thats the problem. I cant be entirely sure
Ah ok. Well, AoS is a pretty easy one to use to ease into things. I am not sure how doing the dishes without being asked could be misconstrued as pursuit. To me it is just wanting to have a clean kitchen! So start working AoS in. Maybe throw in a few that AS suggested as well if the more mundane AoS are well received.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I never even heard of the book until a few weeks ago. The MC assigned it as 'homework'. We were both to read it and complete the quizzes in the back for each of us, then compare. Not like it was my idea!
Sorry for the confusion, you're in a grey area because your W is possibly recommitting but she's not full there yet. So the advice may be a little confusing and hard to understand. I agree with what ovrrnbw and Steve are saying and that is that she is NOT two feet in the door yet and you need to stick to DB'ing. As they both said, trying to push LL on her right now is going to come off as pursuit and pursuit will push her away. She's not "back" yet, just entertaining the possibility of coming back. So you've got to be really careful. Keep the way home paved and smooth as 25 likes to say. But don't try to tie a chain around her and drag her down the road. She's got to decide to make the trip, your job is just to keep the path as trouble-free as you can.
I understand you didn't suggest the book, I wasn't trying to blame you for that! And to be clear, I think it's a fantastic idea for you to read it (maybe not so much her yet) so you can be PREPARED when she's full ready to reconcile. Until then you can still do LL activities, just avoid anything that might be perceived as pursuit.
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Now, if me not doing those things was her biggest complaint, and acts of service is her biggest LL, then a 180 for me would be to start doing those things, right?
Yeah that's fine, but just keep in mind that anything you do like that is likely to be perceived as either "too little too late" or "tricks to get me back" by her right now. So stick with the changes for the long haul.
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I always assumed I was pretty alpha. But maybe not. Maybe when I thought I was being alpha, i was really just being a jerk. I'll do some research!
Read The Married Man Sex Life Primer. It's a little on the crude side at times but it's a great comparison of alpha versus beta behavior and how to blend the two in a healthy R.
