Whirlwind of hurt 2

[Twofeet]

After all this is said and done. She will have lived in 4 houses in the past 4 years. For me it will be 3 obviously. None of these were really career driven moves. Is this normal in today's world? I never felt like it was normal, just along for the ride.

Depends. I think renters do things like this all the time. If you are buying and selling this is very atypical.

Buying and selling. It has been expensive.

[AnotherStander]

After all this is said and done. She will have lived in 4 houses in the past 4 years. For me it will be 3 obviously. None of these were really career driven moves. Is this normal in today's world? I never felt like it was normal, just along for the ride.

Definitely not normal. It reminds me of my brother whose W kept pressuring him to agree to buy a bigger house than the one they were in (which was nearly paid off) when he felt they couldn't afford it. He finally agreed to it and a year later she admitted she had been in an affair practically their entire marriage and had "hoped" buying a bigger house would be enough to convince her to stay with him but it wasn't. Years later and just typing that still makes me go WTF?????

We have an agreement in place on cash, retirement, housings, kids, etc. We just haven't worked out the details on the household items. The mediator/lawyer told us that if we were in agreement on the hard items, cash, house etc. It would be ok for her to move ahead on a house purchase.

I'm surprised to hear that but the mediator knows a lot more about your sitch than I do so I would say go with that.

I would just have to sign a quit claim on the deed. That is why I was ok with her making the offer because I know how much cash she is going to have and how much I am going to have.

That makes sense, as long as the cash changing hands before the D is well-documented.

[Ready2Change]

We just haven't worked out the details on the household items.

I was the one that moved out.

I did a room a day.

I started with the room with mostly stuff and ended in the room with mostly her stuff.
I started in my office. Ask wife if there was anything in that room that she wanted.

For example, in the kitchen, I went through and made a pile of items. Had wife look over the items. She took back a few items (Like the kitchen aid blender). I bought a new one. Not worth $800/hr to argue over.

I left the TV, furniture, the bed, the washer dryer etc....The last thing I asked for was the hot tub. Kinda balanced out the other items.


Anything of significant value, one person can assign value and the other can decide who's side of the ballance sheet it goes on.

[Twofeet]

I am just at the point now where I want her out as fast as possible for inexpensive as I can make it. The sooner I can change the locks the better. I played a part in this silly dance, but good lord I am sorry, I am not taking majority blame on the results. Hell, I don't think I am 50% responsible for this. My biggest failure was going on autopilot and not recognizing some of our issues for how serious they were. This is on her, as usual she is choosing the easy out. All in the name of the pursuit of happiness. I want to work things out just not with this person who my wife has become.

Unfortunately, the biggest losers are always the children.

[EZdozit]

I am just at the point now where I want her out as fast as possible for inexpensive as I can make it. The sooner I can change the locks the better. I played a part in this silly dance, but good lord I am sorry, I am not taking majority blame on the results. Hell, I don't think I am 50% responsible for this. My biggest failure was going on autopilot and not recognizing some of our issues for how serious they were. This is on her, as usual she is choosing the easy out. All in the name of the pursuit of happiness. I want to work things out just not with this person who my wife has become.

Unfortunately, the biggest losers are always the children.

This is exactly how I feel in my sitch TF

[Again18]

Marathon, not a sprint. I do think once she's out you go as dark as possible. It will give you a chance to evaluate your entire relationship from a different perspective. Right now she has rationalized in her mind that you are the bad guy and that everything wrong in her life is tied to you. You go dark she will initially feel better and less pressure. But once she no longer has you to blame or ties her justification for her bad choices to you then she will start to one, miss you and two, be curious as to how you are doing. Additionally, she will wonder if you're doing better in your life because she isn't a part of it. Ahhhh now you start to get a recipe for possibly positive change. When she calls you don't give her any indication that you miss her or want her back. You need to believe in yourself and believe you don't need her. She needs to come to a realization that you are not her back but and that you are not going to just jump right back into things with her. Marathon, not a sprint. BE STRONG. Everyone one of us has those moments as to whether this is worth it or not. But who are we kidding?

[Twofeet]

Marathon, not a sprint. I do think once she's out you go as dark as possible. It will give you a chance to evaluate your entire relationship from a different perspective. Right now she has rationalized in her mind that you are the bad guy and that everything wrong in her life is tied to you. You go dark she will initially feel better and less pressure. But once she no longer has you to blame or ties her justification for her bad choices to you then she will start to one, miss you and two, be curious as to how you are doing. Additionally, she will wonder if you're doing better in your life because she isn't a part of it. Ahhhh now you start to get a recipe for possibly positive change. When she calls you don't give her any indication that you miss her or want her back. You need to believe in yourself and believe you don't need her. She needs to come to a realization that you are not her back but and that you are not going to just jump right back into things with her. Marathon, not a sprint. BE STRONG. Everyone one of us has those moments as to whether this is worth it or not. But who are we kidding?

Again18,

Thanks for the advice. It's clear and calm and always a good game plan. Going completely dark is going to be hard because of kids and 50/50 custody, but I can do it for anything outside of them. Pretty sure I can do handoffs through school most of the time so no face to face.

Its amazing what the LBS has to go through, but the changes are for the better. Question is can the WAS catch up?

[LH19]

Question is can the WAS catch up?

Yeah they can catch up but by then studies show that the LBS has moved on. I think I read once that it takes the avg Grass is Greener 18 months after D that they made a mistake.

Personally for me I am completely moving forward. If my ex ever changes her mind I will cross that bridge when it comes to it. The reconciliation would be on my terms and she would have to earn another chance with me.

[Twofeet]

Do you ever get to a point with the WAS that you just say enough with the lies?
Doing my weekly budgets today and I see her story about her Sat night out with her gal pal wasn't fully true. Looks like she did a lot of drinking, and she is not known to handle her alcohol well. Which means she drove from the city out to our home while intoxicated. Makes a little more sense with the way she was acting Sat night when she woke me up. I had asked her if she had been drinking she said one light drink at dinner time. The bills say otherwise... Not gonna lie, I am pretty disappointed, but not surprised.

[burned]

I just had the guts to open the journal I was using before BD2. And looking through it and realizing all the patterns that make sense now that I understand the WW/WAW syndrome. And yeah, back then I was thinking, what on earth am I doing wrong?

Now I know what I was doing wrong. I was believing the lies.

It’s amazing what they’ll lie about once that seal is broken. Almost like it becomes fun. Like, well, since H will believe anything, might as well take advantage of that and do whatever I feel like.

Trust nothing they say. And as AS said somewhere on my thread: it’s when you’re really FED UP that you’re truly able to detach.

I find it has been easier to go dark when I think of her (for now, at least) as the kind of person who has brain damage and is incapable of telling the truth. Every text I get, I think to myself, “Yeah, sure, we’ll see about that.” It’s self-protective.