Last Christmas, I'd had enough and said I was done. I pretty much cut off all contact except for conversations related to the kids and house.
That was the best thing you could have done. You finally gave him time and space and removed all pressure. You allowed him to see that whatever problems he had were not because of YOU. And he likely started to miss you finally.
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As far as I know, he is still seeing the other woman. And I've been going on with my life. Traveled, starting trying to date, all in all doing much better and starting to think I'm better off without him. (Although I still think about him frequently.) Well... the other day he came over to pick up some stuff before an overseas trip and gave me a huge passionate kiss. I asked what he was doing and he said he wanted to kiss me since he was going away and would see me when he returns. I'm floored. Is it possible that my version of the Last Resort worked?
It is certainly possible, I've seen it play out plenty of times like this. People come here thinking they can turn things around in a few days or weeks, but usually it takes over a year or even several years.
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I don't know what to do. I've often thought about whether or not I could possibly take him back - but I don't think he has what it takes to actually work on things and make me feel special.
Here's what I suggest- first of all he hasn't said anything about recon so don't jump to conclusions. Second, unless he shows that OW is out of the picture don't even entertain ANYTHING with him. Don't sleep with him, don't go out, nothing. You need to take a hardline approach and make it clear to him that A) you don't even know if you want him back anymore and B) he has to do all the work to earn your trust, respect and love all over again.
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I'm afraid to sleep with him as it will open up old wounds.
As well you should be. That may be all he's after, and if it is then you really don't want to go there!
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I'd love suggestions for how to proceed when he returns.
Just keep living your life exactly as you have been. Have zero expectations. DO NOT be available to him. If he texts be slow to reply. If he wants to talk then fine, talk. But again make it clear you don't know if you are even interested in him anymore. Paradoxically the more you pull away the harder he will pursue. You'll suddenly become "high value".
Update: I asked him to explain the passionate kiss. He said he was nervous about his trip and it was his way showing that he still cared about me and missed me. He wanted that to be my memory should anything happen to him. I responded that’s not the way I viewed it. That I felt manipulated and felt it was selfish of him. That he could have used words to tell me how he felt. To me the kiss felt like he was leaving me hanging and leading me on. His response was that “as usual, I saw the negative in his action rather than the positive.” That if the shoe had been on the other foot, he would have been flattered. In the end he apologized. I really don’t think he can empathize with how it made me feel. Am I over reacting? Is this a man/woman thing? (Also, when I asked if he was still seeing the OW, he said not really but didn’t want to talk about it right now.)
You're not overreacting. I would have felt the same way about that kiss. Sounds like being kissed by a stranger. And you want your H to understand that, but he's fixed on his own perspective and probably feelings of rejection. He's got work to do to learn how to empathize. He probably doesn't know how much work he needs to do.
I could see myself a year ago being as clueless as your husband on how to empathize with your experience of the kiss though. I respect you for telling him how you felt and standing up for yourself.
Hm, reading again, I notice a lot of your feelings you share are actually judgments. You judged he was manipulating you, you judged he was selfish, you judged he was leaving you hanging and was leading you on. Those are judgments of your H's intentions and motives. How did you really feel when it happened? Scared? Excited? Sad? Happy? Loving? Angry?
Hm, I've still got work to do too! I said I would have felt the same way about that kiss, but I guess I mean I would have had the same judgments. I might have felt all those feelings I listed. Scared of being hurt emotionally or taken advantage of physically, excited for what it might lead to, sad that I couldn't trust it and had waited so long for it, happy and loving to finally have a kiss, angry about boundaries being crossed.
So maybe I don't know how you felt. I'm really curious now though.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Thanks STH17. You bring up a good point. I guess I was judging. But those were my perceptions and yes, like he said, I did assume the worst intentions. As I was kissing him though, I couldn't let myself be happy or loving because it immediately elicited feelings of confusion and fear (of being hurt/used). And in some ways, yes, it felt like a stranger was kissing me. It just made no sense. And of course, now I feel like he perceived my comments as being critical of him (again). I'm second guessing myself. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything and just ignored it.
Hes intentionally keeping you on the line. He likes the fact that he can sleep with a younger womand and have his wife pining for him. It probably keeps his young woman in line too. She knows he can go back to you, so will be on good behavior.
Why you two ladies feel he is a prize is beyond me.
You spoke about your feelings and what did he do?? He twisted what you were saying, to say his actions were ok and you were just being negative. This way you can stay in that state of confusion. Its intentional, selfish, and lacks empathy. It is called gaslighting. Look it up.
You need to further yourself along on GAL. You need to be more indifferent. I would limit interaction unless its business like and pertaining to bills.
He doesnt care about you. He's just playing games.
Hugs. So sorry you are here. Most of these waywards are just narcissistic and trying to rationalize and getting them to empathize is like talking to a wall. Its a waste of your life
I agree that he's being selfish and unempathetic. But I don't believe his actions are intentional or that he's playing games. I really think he's clueless about how his actions impact me. And of course today I regressed and texted him that the kiss made me miss him all over again. He responded that he understood and it happens to him also. ARGH. You are right... I'm back to GAL
