That's the plan. I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to be mean or a jerk but I really think she needs to feel some of the pain from her decision to leave starting with sleeping somewhere else. I am beginning to think the only reason I got the "I really want to remain good friends" speech was because she wants to keep all the comforts I provide in her life and keep me around to make her life easier all while not having anything to do with a real relationship with me. She doesn't want rid of me she just wants specific things from me. I think she is trying to take advantage of me and I am determined to not allow that.
This is straight out of the wayward wife playbook. "I want to go off and do whatever I want, but want you there to support me and do all the things a H is supposed to do." We call it wanting her cake, and eating it to. Take away her cake.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That's the plan. I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to be mean or a jerk but I really think she needs to feel some of the pain from her decision to leave starting with sleeping somewhere else.
That needs to be her choice though. Don't kick her out of the bedroom, but don't leave it yourself either. Your attitude should be "I am sleeping in the bed, you can sleep here or you can sleep somewhere else, that's your choice." Same thing with separation, your attitude should be that you are staying and you hope she does too, but if she wants to leave you won't stop her. We call it "opening the cage door". A lot of WAS's feel like they are stuck in a cage, so the idea is to let them know you are not trapping them, they have the free will to stay or go.
When you get back in the bed expect one of two things. She will either go sleep somewhere else or she will sleep so far over on her side of the bed that you will swear she's developed some kind of hovering skill where she is defying gravity and sleeping on 2" of bed. Don't expect her to throw her arms around you and welcome you back to bed though, LOL!
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I am beginning to think the only reason I got the "I really want to remain good friends" speech was because she wants to keep all the comforts I provide in her life and keep me around to make her life easier all while not having anything to do with a real relationship with me.
or she will sleep so far over on her side of the bed that you will swear she's developed some kind of hovering skill where she is defying gravity and sleeping on 2" of bed. Don't expect her to throw her arms around you and welcome you back to bed though, LOL!
So true! LOL I remember early in my sitch I felt like if she got any further to the edge of the bed there would be a universal bed curve that means she'd start coming out on my side!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That's the plan. I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to be mean or a jerk but I really think she needs to feel some of the pain from her decision to leave starting with sleeping somewhere else. I am beginning to think the only reason I got the "I really want to remain good friends" speech was because she wants to keep all the comforts I provide in her life and keep me around to make her life easier all while not having anything to do with a real relationship with me. She doesn't want rid of me she just wants specific things from me. I think she is trying to take advantage of me and I am determined to not allow that.
Perfect. You said it perfect. Now just make sure to calm down before you go into the bed because it will be emotional.
The good friends speech may be b/c of what you said, or just that she wants to let you down easy in this "breakup". Either way you are progressing nicely and you are doing the right thing.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
When you get back in the bed expect one of two things. She will either go sleep somewhere else or she will sleep so far over on her side of the bed
Make sure to get in bed before her. Read a book.
If she sleeps some place else, I would go out the next day, buy a "Manly" bed set. Maybe a Harley poster for the wall. Any questions get the "I decided I like this better" response. Then shut up.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So true! LOL I remember early in my sitch I felt like if she got any further to the edge of the bed there would be a universal bed curve that means she'd start coming out on my side!
Intentional threadjack because we all need humor sometimes to get us through this. Just laughing at that phrase "universal bed curve" because everyone keeps talking about "time and space" and the whole thing feels like a quantum physics lecture that went completely off the rails.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Perfect. You said it perfect. Now just make sure to calm down before you go into the bed because it will be emotional.
This will be the tough part, I wish remaining calm and not letting this separation affect me was as easy to do as it is to say but I know over time it will get better. I'm am just getting started with the detaching process.
Ryan listen hard to Steve85 although my problems were shorter than some, I still have some problems, Steve gave me some solid advice and I appreciate that. And I am still exercising his advice.
Really feel like I need to get on here and brag a little because I am damn proud of myself tonight. Wednesday night WAW gets off work at 5:30 so I always take S7 to piano. I’m leaving the house and WAW calls, I don’t answer and proceed to get the kids loaded up in the car and head off to piano. Accomplishment #1 I didn’t answer my phone (giving myself a pat on the back). About 20 minutes later WAW calls again as I am sitting in the parking lot of piano. I let it ring several times but eventually answered. She was touching base regarding schedule for the night and asked if she could go to the gym. I advised her that I planned on going to the gym after the kids were in bed but I would be happy to get my son from piano, get the kids fed and would see her at their bedtime to put the kids to bed together then I would head to the gym. Needless to say the whole thing was trap but I didn’t fall for it, accomplishment #2. 8:45 rolls around, I have now done everything by myself to get the kids to their activities, get them dinner and get them to bed. Plus I now don’t have time to get the gym and get in a proper workout since hey close at 10. WAW comes home and asks me if I am going to the gym and I confidently, without any yelling or any of my typical angry miserable previous reactions calmly stated “ I’m looking at the clock and it is now 8:50. At 5:40 you called me and we discussed the schedule for the evening and the plan was you were going to the gym, we would both put he kids to bed at 8:00 and then I could go to the gym. It is now three hours later and I don’t have time because they are closed soon. I feel angry, disrespected, undervalued and above all genuinely disappointed. I need you to understand that my time is valuable and I deserve basic courtesy from you regardless of being separated”. Then I turned around, put on my runners and went for a hour long jog.
Boy does it feel good to do a 180 and remain calm all while confidently stating what I want and deserve.On another note I began reading No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. While extremely depressing at first because it explains a lot about me and why WAW feels the way she does I feel good about finally working on myself and becoming a better person that I can love.
