What Jim said. That's some really really good advice. Once you drop the rope, trust me, not only will you feel it so will your WW. It takes time and trying over and over again, but the same scenario plays out on here over and over. The LBS gets fed the F up and says, NO MORE. I AM DONE and SICK and TIRED of feeling this way and tired of your disrespect.
I remember TXHubby posting something to the effect of when that moment came, and he was walking out and his W broke down, just completely broke down in hysterical sobs, begging him not to go, that he looked at his W and was just... repulsed or disgusted or something to that effect. But he was done, and his detachment showed in his visceral response at that moment. I was the same. On "the day", i remember feeling something similar while she was hanging on my sleeve, following me into an Uber-- sobbing the whole time-- and into my favorite bar where i finally ditched her. Just a "get away from me" feeling. No pity. Nothing. Even later when she tracked me down as i was walking away from the pub, pulling up next to me, red-eyed and saying "I was worried about you, can i give you a ride" and i told her, with almost no inflection and no emotion (because the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference) "You couldn't respect me when we were together, so at least respect my wishes now to be left alone and not to see you. We're done." Whether or not some "event" puts you over that threshold (like with me) or, like TXHubby, you manage an iron will or else zen-like level of detachment and persevere through all obstacles in maintaining your detachment (TXHubby lived an actual "in house" separation and made it WORK like a true separation-- a near impossibility), it has to be genuine. It cannot be a trick to get her back.
Both TXHubby and I ultimately relented, but it was only after extraordinary circumstances and efforts by our spouses convinced us to "let them back in" and, even then, only under the strictest of conditions. It was truly, i think, in both cases, the start of "new" relationships... because the old ones were dead. In each case, the LBS had effectively terminated the relationship, at least emotionally-speaking.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I love hearing about how once you're "really" done the W suddenly flips. It would be a great pleasure to see her shed a single actual tear and act like she isn't anything but relieved that I'm leaving. No joke.
I've been S for almost 4 months now. Nothing but ICE. Not ONCE has she EVER even hinted at the notion that she missed me. I mean literally hasn't used the word once, not even when confronted by MC. Not ONCE did she ever say, "I'd like to try this again." It was always just, "Yeah, OK, maybe." Just delay tactics.
The counterargument will be that I never detached properly or stopped pursuing. True.
So then I did. And now I'm getting more ice and more anger. The love is entirely and completely dead. I'm sure when I calm down I'll rethink this. But I've done everything and nothing has worked. And even that statement means I'm doing it wrong.
So, as much as I'd love the whole "Please don't go" thing, it...just. Ain't. Gonna. Happen. Over and over I hear about, the minute you really drop the rope, suddenly there's this magical turnaround and the distancer becomes the pursuer.
If that means the distancer becomes a pain in the @ss b'tch then it seems to be working.
I AM fed up. As predicted, she was angry at me last night. How do I know? Because there's ALWAYS retribution. When I lived with her, you had to watch what you say or she might "accidentally" throw something away that you needed or liked. God forbid you ever tried to argue in favor of your own opinion, because when she was done making you feel like you're such a terrible person for not agreeing with her, it was time to huff and puff and clean the entire kitchen while sighing very loudly so that you knew how angry she was.
FED UP. Here comes the retribution, as predicted, via text, this morning: "I want $2k a month so that we don't have to divide our assets." Got it. Someone's coaching her. She KNOWS she'll lose the house. She's not nearly as dumb as she's playing. So she thinks we'll just stay married and I'll give her an allowance. She thinks she can keep throwing me crumbs and I'll just keep giving her what she wants, thinking and hoping that one day she might love me again.
NO. You created this, W. You don't get the easy way out. If it means I have to start acting like an @sshole so you'll get the message, so be it. I'm done letting you walk all over me.
So I didn't respond to the text. So I get, "You know, this is really hard for me, I'd appreciate a response." Mind you, I was in the middle of my IC appointment. And don't even get me started on what he thinks I should be doing. I'll save that for another post. So at the end of the hour I text her back, "I was busy and I'm on my way to [a town about an hour away], let's talk about this tonight." Response, "Oh, that'll be a long drive, but it's pretty going over the mountain. Have a nice day!"
FFFFFFFFFFFFfffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk. YOU.
Now I have to effing argue with her and act like I'm all tough when all I really want is for her to go the eff AWAY. And suddenly I realize it's not going to be easy. So now I have to lawyer up and start this fight. She won't do it. There's nothing she needs to do. If she thinks I won't do what she wants, all she has to do is make one snide comment and it sends me into the kind of tizzy that results in a post like this. Nope, not anymore.
She has been pushing me for 6 months to dump her. She has adamantly refused to make the decision herself. She won't even use the word D. She is just making life as miserable for me as she can until I'm the one that does it. Then she gets to tell her effing sob story about what a terrible husband I was and how she had to leave me and then mean ol' H divorced her when all she wanted was "space." Meaning, room to skrunk with OM. If there even is one. What difference does it make.
And seriously, who will she end up with? How do you tell someone you're dating that you're a cheater?
Not my effing problem.
And what? If I was more detached, I wouldn't be this angry. So even then I'm doing it wrong. I'm not detached enough to detach correctly.
Folks, I think it's time to file. There is nothing left.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Well said Jim. Valuable input there. Definitely can't hope to get them back until we can 100% let them go. Simple enough concept but enormously difficult to implement.
Here's where I'm struggling. I've read and re-read the pursuer/distancer chapter in The Solo Partner and I just can't figure out what the heck is going on. It's like the harder I TRY to 100% let her go, the more she pulls me back in. Like, not even with kindness, just even baiting me like this.
I can't get away no matter how hard I try. If I give her what she wants, I'm a pushover. If I don't, she fights. Either way I lose.
What is this garbage?
Last edited by burned; 10/12/1809:49 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Burned can you just keep paying the mortgage (since I am guessing your name is on it) and just cut her off? Why buy the cow when the milk is for free. Hint: she is not the cow.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Gonna talk to L next week. But it’s gonna be a fight. Not much I can do since the money belongs to both of us and she has no income. Consult with L last time, she said in our state adultery doesn’t affect alimony but it could affect property division...if it goes to trial...if I have evidence (of course I do)...if I want to drop 40k on legal fees. So I can use that as a bargaining chip in mediation.
I didn’t want it to come to this. I was waiting and waiting for her to turn and look behind her before we had to do this much damage. But, like I said, nothing. And this one is a stubborn, prideful creature. Once it’s over, it’s over. I’ve done everything I could to avoid crossing a river that once she crosses it she won’t ever cross back.
So why would I want to be with someone like that?
To answer the question about “so what if there’s OM.” I have no answer. Mostly just a selfish desire to have a reason to explain the sudden, abrupt, anger-fueled “exit” on August 3rd. Because the only other explanation I can come up with is that I screwed up my last chance.
How many people will she sleep with before I get another chance? Disgusting. Just a thought that went through my head just now. Ick. I just need to find someone new.
Boo hoo, poor me. But I’m at the bar now GAL with a bacon cheeseburger that can’t ever betray me.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
