Roger that, I think I got that the more I think about it. I don't expect anything, but is it the wrong thing to do to spend that much time with her at this point? I mean it was her idea, she said she wanted to make plans on Sat but wanted to do something with me and that is why she asked me first. If I was getting the sappy mumbo jumbo about not knowing what she wants, blah blah blah it would have been a crappy weekend. But we just had fun, gambling, yes drinking, talking about a lot of stuff.
I mean I categorize this with you said before about sleeping with her. Better me than OM, she said how much fun she had both days and I guess that has been way different than the interaction that we had 4 or 5 months ago.
Obviously it depends on where you are in your sitch. But next time you might want to be "busy". Being to available for her sends the wrong message.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Update from last night. A rare discussion on a Monday after spending a lot of time together on the weekend. WW said she is scared because she doesn't know how she will face my parents in light of everything that has happened. I know the rule of thumb is tell as few as possible but lets be real...we are close to 6 months in. I needed support early on and honestly saw no possible R in sight so yeah they know.
I told her if we get to that point anyone will have to look at us together in this situation.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
So I have thought a lot about the "i've already told these people" thing. As you know I am staunch against telling others. Especially anyone that the WAS would have to "make amends" with later. As you are experiencing, it can cause problems for R and piecing.
So I finally settled on this.
1) Reassure your W that once she is recommitted fully to R then SHE is the priority. That you will be willing to put anyone that isn't on board with you two getting back together on the back-burner. Even parents. After all, we took vows with our spouse. We had no say in who conceived and birthed us. I am not sure of exactly how to word it but something along the lines of "If they have a problem with us getting back together then they will have to learn to live without having me around too."
2) Sit your whomever it is (in your case your parents) down ahead of time and explain the progress and that you expect them to be fully supportive of the R with your WAS. "I realize this might be awkward for everyone at first, but we have decided to make this work. I need you to be supportive of that decision and not hold anything against them or me for this decision." Set that expectation in a way that they know that there is no alternative. Either they support the decision or they will be left on the outside looking in.
3) Be ready to leap to her defense if anyone says anything inappropriate or negative about or to her. Be ready to blow the popsicle stand if it continues and your boundaries aren't respected.
Let me tell you about a coworker I had years ago. We will call him Ray. His W we will call Phyllis.
Ray had a crack cocaine problem. This is a true story. Phyllis would call the office looking for him some mornings (when he was absent from work) because he hadn't come home all night. He was going to the city and spending all night and sometimes all day in crack houses. Our management worked with him. Tried to get him help. Told him if he went AWOL one more time he was fired.
A couple weeks later, same thing occurred. They cleaned out his desk. It was a very sad moment in my career, I remember (I shared an office with him) when they came in to pack his stuff.
Ray and Phyllis obviously had marital problems over all of this. They had two young boys. Phyllis confided in her family about Ray's struggle. Ray, of course, sought support from his family, spinning it that a lot of his problems were related to Phyllis as a W.
After separating a few times they resolved to make it work. Ray moved back home after the latest separation, they began to work on reconciling. Began planning the youngest's 5th birthday party. Both sides of the family were invited to the party. Should have been a joyous occasion. However, during the stress of hosting the party, Ray snapped at Phyllis. A small argument ensued, but quickly subsided. At least it subsided between the two of them. Someone in Ray's family made an off-handed comment about Phyllis, overheard by someone in Phyllis' family. That person responded in kind. Within minutes a full blown argument between Ray's and Phyllis' family broke out. Shouting, Accusations. Name-calling. At first Ray and Phyllis tried to quell it, but eventually they were drawn in. Ray and his family, shouting and yelling at Phyllis and her family, and vice-versa. Old, unhealed wounds completely reopened. Battle lines drawn, and crossed! Ray's family stormed out, and Ray packed his stuff and left again.
Needless to say this destroyed the R. Ray and Phyllis divorced and are divorced to this day (this was in the mid-90s).
Once the knowledge of your sitch is out, once you move to R you have to make sure that those in the know are fully on board with the big picture, and work for it, not against it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I believe in your 1, 2 and 3 points totally and that already has been my stance. In the initial stages of my ordeal with my WW, there is no way in h*** that I would be here right now without the support of my family and they would always be there for me and my W if we decided to R. I have already expressed that anyone would have to answer to us, united if we decide to R.
I will continue to reinforce this given the opportunity because it seems to be a sticking point right now to her. One other issue is she blames me for the hostility with her close friends however they knew the whole sitch before I even did, she just didn't listen to any of them when it came to her decision making and she hasn't spoken to a few in months.
Well still bigger hurdles to overcome, whether A is over, any contact?, new boundaries? before we have to worry about how family will react.
But thanks, your reassurance in showing the united front can prove very valuable to an insecure spouse that never thought you had their back and in my case a NG who needed to cut the cord a while ago with his mom.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
W has been home on time Mon and Tues and wanted to spend time with me after all day Sat and Sun. Weather has been nice and have been on the deck...drinking of course. I know alcohol is not always the best way to deal with things but I know she is still working through a lot and I am moderately going along.
My concern is for the amount of decent time we have spent together it still does not feel like quality time. Minimal talk yesterday about R but mostly about work, kids, music, the world in general. I don't mention anything about whether A is still ongoing and don't bring up any R talks either.
W has used so many issues over the close to 6 months about why she is so unhappy, just with herself and life in general. It was her sexual abuse when she was in her teens, then it was a huge fight with her parents, then it was her overwhelming debt she had built up, and always work. Over the last month she has had a lot of doctor's appts and blood tests and they have said she is in full blown menopause and are trying to work the right medications but have said this has led to alot of the anxiety, depression, anger etc.
I know this time in a women's life can be very trying but I am basically just existing for myself and my son right now. It's crazy when she was spending 6 straight weekends away I was sad but I was coping much better with GAL, and working on making my own changes that I have felt good about. Then when I get to spend more time with W it just doesn't seem right, I am supporting, validating and cheerful as can be but maybe still expecting too much because get left feeling empty the next day.
Have IC today, but any suggestions? During the week very hard to just up and have plans although I am not just sitting around waiting but when W wants to hang out, it feels like she wants to open up just can't. Last night we were laughing about some stuff and then out of the blue she mentioned something that upset her that she read weeks earlier and it turned into a full on confession about how depressed she is and has a tough time getting through each day and doesn't understand why the doctors can't move faster to get her on the right meds. Almost like she doesn't want to live.
Like I said before it's like it is harder now to be around her than to have her gone even if she is with OM. I know I am not supposed to emotionally support but do I just avoid this time with her? I would be fully aware if it was cake eating because I am just here, there is no mushy talk from either of us like she is trying to keep me pulled in, I am, I guess in that friend mode. I would be concerned if I just avoided this time and turned my back because I think psychologically she is dealing with some major issues but without the right help, they will never get resolved.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I think you should continue to listen and validate as long as she is pursuing the time spent together and the talks. Validate her feelings, truths, and let the lies roll right off your back. I find that last one to be the hardest, almost lile your leaving it out there as a truth if it isnt corrected.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Just got back from my IC and discussed NMMNG book and my evolving sitch. She said what I was describing was very similar to codependency and the importance of GAL regardless of the outcome of my R.
She suggested hard boundaries regarding her A if we were to continue "hanging out"....not sure if that is the right approach. I do not approve of an A or OM, but I have seen more turmoil in her other relationship since I have not asked, cared about it.
I know the right approach is to continue GAL and detaching and I will do my best to limit the times she wants to do things with me unless I am truly free.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I will do my best, honestly this past weekend she caught me off guard. Knowing she is usually away I have had a lot to do around and inside house. I was out staining the deck and didnt expect her to come home and want to do something. I get it though this is important for me and have to make more of an effort to be busy....for me, to get out and enjoy life.
Weekdays are tough because honestly, I bring my S14 home from school 3 out of 5 days and am the one who makes sure he is good with homework dinner etc all of the days. W doesn't get home till later. I do save any trips to store, etc during the week for the evening and am working on two support group meetings as well during the week. I'm getting there, slowly.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
She suggested hard boundaries regarding her A if we were to continue "hanging out"....not sure if that is the right approach. I do not approve of an A or OM, but I have seen more turmoil in her other relationship since I have not asked, cared about it.
I fully agree, if she is in an A then there should be no "hanging out" whatsoever because that is just feeding into her cake-eating.
Quote
I know the right approach is to continue GAL and detaching and I will do my best to limit the times she wants to do things with me unless I am truly free.
