All this wedding talk of the upcoming weekend is REALLY doing a number on me. Giving me a little anxiety, hoping I dont become too emotional during it all.
This is completely understandable. I remember in the thick of my sitch it hurt so much to see another couple happily walking down the street hand-in-hand. So many triggers and seeing people commit for life, knowing you did that a few years ago and it was all a sham is awful. No doubt about it It hurts. Just keep breathing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ya its really rough. I am just going to have to get through the weekend and be ok! I hope to be writing to you guys on here on Sunday feeling good about the way I handled myself throughout the weekend, regardless how tough it may be. I will have a good time so I just need to not let the thoughts take over. I will be surrounded by family and friends and people who love me, and its time to start looking at the positive side of things.
I have truly NEVER been this low in my life as this experience has brought me. I saw the quote in Orange's threads about "My mom passed away, my husband cheated, it felt the same." or something similar to that. And saying they both died. The spouse died the minute they admitted to the infidelity. What a true quote. I am blown away by the pain this brings. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, we lost him in just 6 months. This healthy, larger than life, 60 year old man who worked hard to provide for his family and was on the peak of retirement and living out his life with my mom, his wife of 30+ years, had everything cut short. It was the HARDEST thing I had ever ever ever experienced in my entire life, watching him go through chemo and whither away. I was 25 and felt like I was being short changed. I miss him every single day, and I feel like if he was here he would have given me SO much strength during this time. I would NEVER think anything could compare to that pain I felt. And this does. This is hell on earth, except my H is still walking around, breathing, living his life, and has replaced me. Its a whole new level of hurt.
It has the capability of completely bringing me down, and this last month it absolutely has. Random moments I have found myself on the bathroom floor, unable to breathe I am crying so hard. But today has been about 4 days since I have cried. I regained some power for myself by telling him I want no part in this anymore. It doesnt take away that I still love him, but it gives me a little dignity to know I dont have to accept this from him. I dont have to be his friend, I dont have to give him any piece of me beyond coparenting. And he may not care either way, but he no longer gets me. He no longer gets my love. Easier said than done, yes. But I have to keep it together. You guys help so much with that, thank you!
Hopefully it is a sign that she has experienced a shift within herself. Perhaps from obsession of her H, to focusing on herself and her D.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
