H left Canada (east coast) our home last year Feb 2017 to pursue his career in aerospace engineering to Washington State. He first had his interview around October/November of 2016 and his employer flew him there for a few days. He came back and said that he “bombed” the interview and we stopped looking to make possible arrangements of moving there.
I’ve always been a home/family based person. Looking back, when we had first met, he really was not. He travelled and worked all over the world and was planning to move to Eastern Europe before we had met until we met. Both our families are in Canada in close proximity (his dad being away 3 hours which is the furthest). My family is so close to me.
To give a bit of a background, we were both in college when we met. About 8 months in our relationship, he decided to move about 1.5-2 hours away for a specialized type of school. I ended up moving with him in a matter of time. I was always over and eventually just moved in. I was diagnosed with cancer and had to seek and receive treatment, although they caught it at the earliest of its stages and I ended up in remission fairly quickly although this really tested our relationship. A year and a half in, we decided to move back home with my mom to save money since he had just graduated and we had no money. We ended up getting jobs, and at one point for a duration of 1.5 years, he decided to finish his BA and did that full time while I worked. We did take care of each other when we needed it.
From that point on until he had left to go to WA, even before we got married, our relationship was lacking sex. I had brought it up a million times and I think we just grew into this comfortable state knowing that we would be together regardless of anything that happens. Eventually I stopped bringing it up but I remember sleepless nights of just looking at him and wondering what happened. Eventually I started getting in the wagon of shaping up our marriage by initiating sex, trying scheduled sex, reading marriage books together which he did not really particularly like, and scheduled date nights. At this point prior to taking his job in Washington, our relationship took a back seat due to his work here. He was occupied with getting ahead, which I admired about him because I myself had built something from the ground up.
One month before he left, we didn’t know at the time that he was still even a contender for getting the position since he thought he bomber the interview, they offer him the job. We had three weeks to go and move. During this one month, we had talked about what we would do, when he would come back. But really, we had no time to prepare and even mentally prepare for something so soon. I was really adamant in leaving.
He left and I ended up getting my citizenship (I was not born in this country) in Canada for Visa reasons. and even explored moving to Vancouver instead to be closer and without having to worry about healthcare because of my earlier diagnosis. A few months came and went and I decided to stay. It was selfish of me, although I wanted to also go for my dreams that I had been working on for so long here. Prior to him leaving, he had stated he would only go for a max of 2 years, come back and start a family here at home close to our parents and siblings who also have their own families.
Earlier this year, our relationship took a dive. He had this built up resentment I didn’t end up moving with him, and he also resented the fact that he would have to relinquish his job that he learned shortly after was a defining part of himself. It’s funny how we are both the same in that way, and simultaneously not funny at all. Letters were exchanged of things we could not talk about, feelings, sadness, resentments, hope, love. I started to feel emotionally detached. I started to despise him for wanting me to sacrifice everything for his dreams. That’s the truth at its core.
We had 8 weeks between us every year to spend time with each other. This year, he used all his vacation time by missing a lot of work days because he was depressed. He called me in June and told me not to call him or contact him for two months to figure things out. He called me in the beginning of August and asked to separate. There was one time he checked in, sometime in July to let me know he was going on a trail on his motorbike with a few people and he would text me when he gets back home. Those two months, I would check Instagram and he would follow a lot and like a lot of women’s photos and yeah, I was blindsided because he was never like that before. He also started going to the gym a lot (started earlier this year).
The two months he was gone, I was emotionally and mentally out of it as is the norm. I was constantly tired and brushed it off often, but during a physical, my doctor felt a lump in my neck area, did some tests, thought my hormone levels were just out of whack but it turned out I had S1 cancer. I withdrew from everything, I was so angry, angry at the circumstance, angry at myself, angry with H. He was the last one I called to let him know. I didn’t even want him to know at that point, like I had resigned to an ending.
When I did tell him, he flew back for a week. He had already made up his mind with the separation and had said we needed to divorce. I found out during his stay that he had been confiding with a female coworker and had gone on this trail trips with her because he needed someone to talk to. I was livid. He did not want to talk to me about our relationship but ran to someone else who was not even slightly privy in acquaintance to myself and him. We spent the week going out to eat and watching movies as if he had never left. But his mind was set.
He went back to WA and I emailed him a long letter telling him that once the treatments were finished I would go and move there to make it work, the last of things to do to salvage everything...go to MC, things I felt, pleaded and bargained. He was not receptive.
Our last conversation was on the phone Oct 3, but we were messaging and contacting each other every other day. He was checking up on me everyday and had explicitly said that he would not be able to “manage” without me in his life as a friend. That if I were to get married, he would want me to invite him. I asked him if he had called one day and I told him I couldn’t talk because I was with my boyfriend, how would he feel? He had no words to say. He said that he loved me so much but there’s no getting around it and that he had thought about this for so long and that this was the only recourse. He said that part of why he is so angry was because he loved me so much and the pain is too much to bear. The last conversation on the phone he said he has been thinking about it too long and there’s no other way. I asked him why he wouldn’t even give MC a try, but he is set in his way. I ended the conversation rather harshly and told him “if you want the divorce, then send me the paper work. There’s nothing left to say”. And I hung up the phone.
He has been explicit with me checking in and letting him know how I am feeling physically regularly but I just don’t want to right now. I responded to a message he sent three days ago yesterday and told him that I was okay, our two dogs are ok and that I would talk to him later. I also told him that I no longer have the app we communicate on installed in my phone and to email me instead should he wish to contact me. I went dark. I removed his contact info, photos, emails, remnants of us, of him out of everything.
It’s been a week since we last spoke and two days since I texted him a short text back. Super short but, I have the odd days of just wanting to retreat and sleep and go to bed and write and do nothing but grovel to myself and replay the same scenes over and over again. Sometimes I think he’s selfish, sometimes I think I am. Other times, I want to do everything in this world and forget about him totally. I’m still functioning, although I haven’t been going to the gym as often because of the radiation treatments that are making me so freaking tired on a daily basis. I haven’t told my friends yet. I haven’t even told my mom yet that we are separated although I’m sure she knows somethings wrong when she doesn’t see our wedding photo in the living room anymore.
When he came down here, he visited his family and he did not want me to come. It was then he announced to them that we were separating. I found out before he left. It has become more and more official as days go on but there’s nothing I can do about his decision.
And that’s that for now. Sorry this is a long one. My mind is so scattered that I try to start from the beginning but other things came to play that I would remember as I’m typing and I have to include it in somehow.
Not sure if he is having an affair, but most likely an EA and I can put an 85% stamp on it. I’ve been seeing a therapist. He says he has been as well but I’m not sure about that either.
Together: 11 years M: 5 No kids D Bomb: Aug 2018 S: Aug 2018
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-64, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello and welcome! Frankly I'm surprised you weren't the one leaving, after reading how hard you tried and how he was completely unresponsive I thought that's where things were going, that you were going to be the WAS. First kudos to you for trying that hard, that's very admirable of you. Second, have you read DR? Stop all the pursuit. That is all just pushing him farther away. No frequent contact, no talk of moving closer to him, no requests for MC. Stop it all. Give him time and space. Work on yourself. Don't worry about the distance, that works in your favor. Don't give him medical updates unless he asks, and if he asks be VERY brief. Cadet or Job will be along to post a bunch of links for you, read them all! Good luck and keep posting!
I just ordered the DR book online and should receive it tomorrow although I have been doing a lot of research and paroozing through the DB site on Sandi’s rules and detachment, reading a lot of forums and threads.
I haven’t contacted H since Oct 3rd and he was the last to contact me two days ago of which I responded that I was fine since he’s been checking up on me by text a few times last week and took me a few days to finally respond.
In some ways I think the distance works in my favour but in some other ways, I feel like it’s out of sight out of mind type of deal because we have already been physically apart for so long. The last response was courteous and brief and pretty much told him that if he wanted to contact me it should be through email only (I deleted the text messaging app shortly after our verbal conversation).
I didn’t want to leave him even with all the problems we had before he left because there was a lot of good that I valued on a daily basis. He was close to my family which means a lot to me, and even though we were sexually inactive at times (sometimes a very long time), we played a lot. By play I mean, I’m super playful and we always did stupid teenage type things of chasing each other around and stuff. We got into these regular occurrences of obsessions, like him getting obsessed with building things and I help, or me sewing and learning how to knit and him trying to learn it with me. Kisses in the morning, kisses goodnight. Just the simple stuff.
Years go by though, he was immersed with his field of work and we just became partners and roommates even when I had addressed it and initiated a bunch of things to change and spice things up. I started to let go and was less inclined to show affection more and more.
Together: 11 years M: 5 No kids D Bomb: Aug 2018 S: Aug 2018
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you. I have been talking to a therapist and the only person I talk to when I feel like it as I am an extreme introvert and also a super INFP is my sister. She knows the whole ordeal. The thing is she also still talks to my H and is also using her as an emotional verbal crutch and she also sympathizes with him because he is alone without family and friends so far away coming to terms with the fact that he doesn’t want this marriage anymore. I can understand the loneliness he feels. Or I can empathize with it anyways. He doesn’t talk to anyone else other than his other friend who went through a recent separation (not sure if they’re divorced) who strayed and got into a full blown relationship with someone else during his marriage which is disconcerting.
Other than that, I was talking to my bf in the beginning who is also separated (geesh!) initially when it hit the fan and I was in the prime of my angry state but I stopped because I think she’s been telling other people who are asking (also close friends). Another person who knows we are separated although I don’t divulge information to is my cousin. She just said that our relationship has run it’s course and I hesitantly disagreed because I am a firm believer that marriage is work and work that both parties should want to do because it’s a commitment.
I just want to come out and say when I’m ready. I’m still replaying things in my head and I’m not emotionally stable enough to look everyone in the eye and not bawl my eyes out.
I am 30 and H is 36.
Together: 11 years M: 5 No kids D Bomb: Aug 2018 S: Aug 2018
Not sure if he is having an affair, but most likely an EA and I can put an 85% stamp on it.
You are wise. Act as if it is 100% EA or PA. Either way, it does not matter.
All of our situations are different, but they are all the same. This is all about you right now. How you handle this. You have been given a great opportunity for personal growth.
Take this time to reflect on what you want out of a marriage. Who you want to be.
Kech is about your age. Go read her story. Many words of wisdom have been shared with her.
Thanks Ready2Change. I’ve just started reading the threads.
Just wondering if I should start looking for lawyers and consult now.
We don’t have kids so I’m not even sure what my rights are.
Had a terrible night last night and kept on waking up unable to fall back asleep thinking about him and someone else. I’m thinking it’s the coworker girl he was talking about. Apparently she moved to California to her her PhD though. I don’t even know if I should really find out. Would knowing make a difference?
Together: 11 years M: 5 No kids D Bomb: Aug 2018 S: Aug 2018
